Hilary: All right. Let's make this fast. "Spider-Man. By Stan Lee." The yellow box says: "High above Manhattan." And Spider-Man goes, "My spider-sense is buzzing like a beehive."
Will: Uh, his Highness would like you to describe everything in the picture.
Hilary: Can't you just look at it?
Will: Uncle Phil!
Hilary: I was just asking.
Will: He's sitting on the edge of some stupid building and there are, like, wavy lines coming out of his head so he's hot, or his head smells or something. Anyway...
Will: Hilary. That's his spidey-sense.
Hilary: Okay. There's also something gross coming out of his wrist. Is this the guy you don't want to be standing next to at a party, or what?

Will: Wow, Uncle Phil! Did you lose a couple of pounds? Man, you're looking chiseled.
Philip: So what do you want the car for, Will?
Will: Public Enemy concert. Jazz got two tickets.
Philip: Will, every time Jazz is in that car he leaves a small collection of chicken bones behind.
Will: Oh, don't worry. Tonight, we're having ribs.

Hilary: Well... [laughs] Will sat in the back of my physics class. And while he was there... [laughs] Oh, Will, you tell it so much better.
Will: See, I snuck up behind Hilary, right? Well, her head must have been full with all that studying or something because when she saw me she said my head looked like the basic element of physics. [both laugh] What was that technical term again? A quark, right?
Hilary: Right. Exactly. I said his head looked like a quark.
Will: Or was it a neutron?
Hilary: Right, right.
Will: No, it was definitely a quark.
Hilary: Oh, of course. I don't know what I must have been thinking of.
Philip: Well, that was a real scream, Will.

Will: And His Highness would like to discuss the condition of his royal sneakers. You will clean them with your toothbrush. Not side to side, though. Not up and down. But a smooth circular motion.
Hilary: Do you want me to floss them, too?
Will: Oh, we are not amused. And for this act of treason His Highness would like you to read him a bedtime story.
Hilary: This is getting really annoying, Will.
Will: Okey dokey, have it your way. Uncle Phil! Aunt Viv!
Hilary: Okay, I'll do it!
Will: His Highness would like you to read this Spider-Man comic book.

Will: You have amused us, but His Highness is tired and would like to go to sleep.
Hilary: Thank God.
Will: But first, His Highness would like to be tucked in.
Hilary: You're kidding.
Will: Yeah, of course, I'm kidding. Uncle Phil! Nice and tight!
Hilary: Not too tight. I wouldn't want you to suffocate.
Will: Oh, and before you go, we would like you to have this. A list of things to do tomorrow night at the dinner table.
Hilary: Like what?
Will: Please, we do not wish them read in our presence. Be gone!

Hilary: Carlton, I'm living a nightmare.
Carlton: Hilary, I'd love to talk to you but I'm staring down the barrel of an all-nighter.
Hilary: Please, Carlton, I need help! I'm coming to you because I know how much you don't like Will.
Carlton: Will Smith is a fine young man.
Hilary: Oh, come off it, Carlton. You're talking to me now. We've let Will wreak havoc in our lives for too long. And now it's time to band against him as brother and sister.
Carlton: What have you got in mind?
Hilary: That's what I need you for. I don't have any plans, I just want to punish him. I'm very vindictive, I'm just not imaginative.

Hilary: So anyway, Toni's coming over. We're gonna study for our history midterm together. She really needs some help.
Philip: She's not doing well?
Hilary: Daddy, Toni is a dear friend of mine, but she lacks concentration. I mean, she totally gave up on Twin Peaks.

Hilary: Daddy, I wanted to use the car tonight. I'm going to a world peace benefit hosted by Steven Seagal.
Will: Didn't you just hear me ask first?
Hilary: I guess you're right. Besides, I'd feel better knowing you had the car. Especially if you're gonna be out again until 3:00 in the morning?
Philip: 3:00 in the morning?
Hilary: Well, that's what time he got in last night. Oops, did I say that?
Philip: 3 o'clock on a school night?
Will: No, it was for school, Uncle Phil. I'm doing a term paper on owls. [hoots]

Philip: Will, you've broken curfew entirely too many times. You are grounded for a week.
Will: A whole week?
Hilary: Will, being grounded won't be all bad. Maybe you'll find enough time to do your own dishes instead of paying Ashley.
Hilary: Oops again!
Philip: Two weeks.
Will: I'm grounded for two weeks?
Philip: That's right. You're to stay in this house, and you're not to go anywhere near that car.
Hilary: Can he still rent the car to Jazz? Oops, oops, oop.
Philip: Let's make it an even month.
Hilary: Wow, I don't know my own strength.
Will: [to himself] Revenge!

Hilary: What do you know?
Will: Well, first of all, I know that the basic element of physics is matter. If you were going to do a research paper, you'd probably have to know something they taught on - I don't know - the first day.
Hilary: How did you find out?
Will: Well, I have my methods. And it helps that Toni's roommates have the combined IQ of a raisin.