‘Ill Will’
Season 2, Episode 18 - Aired February 10, 1992
Will must face his fear of hospitals when he needs his tonsils taking out. Meanwhile, Geoffrey writes a memoir of his time working for the Banks family. [Milton Berle guest stars]
Quote from Will
[fantasy:]
Doc: [sings] ♪ At the copa ♪ Gloves ♪ Copacabana ♪ Gauze ♪ The hottest spot North of Havana ♪ Scalpel.
Will: Yo, man, you better be using that scalpel to cut some lemon wedges for lsaac.
Doc: Come on, buddy, I don't have all day. In 15 minutes, I gotta meet Adrienne Barbeau on the poop deck.
Will: Hey, man, I don't care if you're playing shuffleboard with Nipsey Russell. I ain't getting cut by no doctor with knee socks.
Doc: Look, there's nothing to worry about. I've pretended to do this operation a thousand times. Look, this time they've given me a real scalpel. Cool.
Will: [screams]
[reality:]
Will: [wakes up] Man, I'm getting out of here before Dr. Hannibal Lecter shows up.
Quote from Philip
Vivian: He's not here, Philip, let's go.
Philip: Not so quick, Vivian. Do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert?
Vivian: Well, it never would have happened if he hadn't been five hours late.
[After Philip sits down on Geoffrey's bed, Will, Carlton and Hilary scream]
Philip: All right, everybody out. Come on.
Vivian: What are you doing here?
Will: What are y'all doing here? And I hope them concert tickets wasn't front row.
Hilary: Is that why you always play Hot Fun in the Summertime on my birthday?
Carlton: And where was I conceived?
Will: Probably at a white sale.
Quote from Will
Philip: Will, why aren't you in the hospital?
Will: I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I'm scared of going under the knife. I mean, if I wanted to get cut I'd let Stevie Wonder do my fade.
Quote from Will
Max: Hi, kid.
Will: Max. I thought you died.
Max: In Pittsburgh I died. It wasn't my fault. I was opening for a seal.
Will: Wait, wait. The nurse said you went on to a better place.
Max: I did. Cedars-Sinai Hospital. They've got cable. Actually, I just came back to get my lucky hat. I'm glad you're okay, kid.
Will: You know, maybe we could hang out sometime.
Max: Maybe. If you were a woman and I had a prostate. See you around, kid.
Will: Wait, Max, you're forgetting your lucky hat.
Max: Oh, yeah. I forgot. I forgot the hat. [a young, attractive Black nurse enters the room] Tell you what, kid you keep it.
Will: [throws the hat on the ground] Oh, Nurse?
Quote from Ashley
Geoffrey: Your overnight case, Master Will. I've packed everything but your pajamas. Where do you keep them?
Will: Well, I usually keep them inside the-
Ashley: Don't answer that. It'll be in Geoffrey's memoirs and Urkel will play you in the TV movie.
Quote from Will
Will: [all sing] Two bottles of beer on the wall Two bottles of beer If one of them bottles should happen to fall How many bottles of beer on the wall? One bottle of beer on the wall One bottle of beer
Nurse Petty: I'm afraid you really have to go now.
Will: Yo, can we finish our song, please? [sings] One million bottles of beer on the wall One million bottles of beer...
Quote from Will
Nurse Petty: Zowie. It's showtime at the Apollo.
Will: You don't get out much, do you?
Nurse Petty: Dinner time. Euck. Look like somebody already ate this.
Quote from Will
Max: [enters] Faster, faster, faster. Come on, faster.
Nurse Bonnie: Max.
Max: Yeah?
Nurse Bonnie: Running around like this could be fatal.
Max: So, you'll die and I'll get another nurse. [throws hat on the floor] Nurse, nurse darling? I dropped my lucky hat. Would you please pick it up for me? Thank you very much. Beautiful. I never forget a face.
Nurse Bonnie: Max? Why do you call this your lucky hat?
Max: No- No reason. Hey. Hi, kid. Guess you're my new roommate, huh? Well, good.
Will: Man, when I get old I hope I get as much action as you. Heck, next week I hope I get as much action as you. Will Smith, tonsils.
Max: Max Jakey, everything else. Sweaty palms, kid. First timer?
Will: Man, you must be tripping. I was 15 when I first... Oh, you mean surgery.
Max: Yes. Relax. As long as you got a good doctor, kid, what could go wrong? And now you'll have to excuse me. I'm gonna cop a sponge bath.
Nurse Petty: Max, you're supposed to be in therapy.
Max: I played there 40 years ago. Bad theater, lousy audience.
Quote from Will
Max: Do me a favor, will you? Turn on the TV.
Will: Oh, sure.
Max: Give me this.
Will: So what do you wanna watch, Max? Man, I had forgotten how big Jimmie Walker's lips was. Max? Max? [Max snores] Goodnight, Max.
Quote from Will
Nurse Petty: [over intercom] Why aren't we sleeping, Mr. Smith?
Will: 'Cause we in here bugging out, Nurse Petty.
Nurse Petty: Sounds like a job for Mr. Needle.
Will: Sorry, I must got the wrong number.