Geoffrey: You know, I I just can't seem to get this bowl to stand still.
Hattie: It might help if you put down the eggnog.
Geoffrey: Worth a try. [downs the eggnog] You know, you're right.

Hilary: Hi, Grandma.
Hattie: Hi, honey.
Hilary: I'm so glad you're here. I need someone to talk to. See, I just don't know what to do. I was all set for today to be the best day of my life, but it feels just like any other day. And I have this empty feeling, you know, like something's missing? Sure, I have an effervescent personality and a smile that could blind you from across the room, but I just feel so blah.
Hattie: Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something, honey? You've gotta talk into my good ear.
Hilary: I'm just happy that you're here for the holidays.

Will: Hey, come on, Hil.
Hilary: Can't we just stay a little longer?
Dr. Duane: Well, I'm off my shift in 15 minutes. I can give you a ride.
Hilary: Okay. Great.
Will: Oh. Remember, doc, no mouth-to-mouth on the first date, huh? [laughs]
[As Will clears out a tray of medical supplies]
Hilary: Will.
Will: Oh, it's like a hotel. They expect you to take this stuff.

Hattie: Have you taken the roast out of the oven yet, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Show me again how it's done, Nana Hattie.
Hattie: Oh, all right.
Geoffrey: I love my job.

Will: Mm-mm-mm. Grandma Hattie's roast. You know, a cow would be happy to be in your kitchen.
Philip: Boy, am I happy to be here.
Hilary: Oh, great. You're all here. I have some really big news.
Philip: No news is bigger than my mother's roast.
Hilary: I'm gonna have a baby.
Will: Now, that would be bigger than the roast.

Hattie: Phil, calm down. Hilary, darling, this doesn't have to be bad news. Having a child is a gift. Now, come on, tell Grandma, who's the father?
Hilary: I don't know.
Hattie: Oh, dear God.
Philip: Ashley, take your grandmother upstairs.
Ashley: Will, takes notes. Come on, grandma.

Will: Want another hit?
Philip: Hit me. Ah.
Will: What were we thinking about having kids? [Uncle Phil chuckles] What? What?
Philip: I was just wondering what life would've been like without the headaches of parenting.
Will: Imagine that, if you ain't had no kids. It'd just be you, Aunt Viv and me all by ourselves in this big house. [laughs] Party, you know.

Philip: Will, will you excuse us, please?
Will: Oh, yeah. Sure thing. Hey, look, Uncle Phil, I just want you to know I got your back. All right? Anything jump off, all you got to do is holler-
Philip: Goodbye, Will.
Will: All right. [scoffs at Hilary] Where did we go wrong?

Carlton & Ashley: [in unison] It's perfect.
Ashley: I was talking about my side.
Carlton: Your side? Please. I've seen better looking trees hanging from rearview mirrors.
Ashley: Oh, please. Your side looks like someone threw up on a snowman.
Carlton: Threw up on a snowman?

Hattie: You call that dusting, Geoffrey? Give me that. I'll do it myself.
[As Hattie grabs the duster from Geoffrey, he falls to the ground]
Geoffrey: [o.s.] God bless us, everyone.