Clerk: [to Hilary] Well, you'll be happy to know that our donors are screened very thoroughly. We have everything from doctors to rocket scientists.
[Jazz comes out of one of the rooms with a magazine]
Jazz: You wouldn't happen to have this month's, would you?
Clerk: Sure. Here you are, doctor.
Jazz: Thank you.
Clerk: We get lots of doctors.
Hilary: Ugh! I don't think so.
Will: [to Jazz] Hey, yo. Thanks a lot, man.
Jazz: Glad I could be of service.
Will: Hey, come on, let's get out of here.
Jazz: Uh... I'll catch up to you later.

Hilary: So back to you. Any heart disease? Gingivitis? Midgets?
Dr. Duane: No.
Hilary: Any relatives in the circus?
Dr. Duane: Uh, not that I know of. I mean I did have an uncle who was a clown.
Hilary: Ew. Duly noted. Oh. Aren't they so cute? You're so lucky, you get to be around babies all the time.
Dr. Duane: Yeah, babies are great. I can't wait to have a family someday. How about you?
Hilary: I suppose.
Dr. Duane: Oh, so you're not ready for babies, huh?
Hilary: No, I'm definitely ready for a baby, it's just the family. I mean I hadn't thought about it, I guess.
Dr. Duane: I don't understand. I mean, how can you have one without the other?
Hilary: Wait, wasn't I the one asking all the questions?

Hilary: Daddy, I'm not gonna have a baby.
Philip: Oh, that's a relief. I must tell you, this whole thing has been very upsetting.
Hilary: It's been upsetting for me too. I thought that the show going national was gonna change my life. I mean, I had set certain career goals for myself and then when I reached them, I still felt empty.
Philip: Sweetheart, it's fine to have career goals, but it's wrong to assume that's all you need to make you happy.
Hilary: I know. That's why I thought I needed a baby. Maybe I need a new car.
Philip: Oh, God, Hilary.
Hilary: I'm kidding, Daddy.
Philip: Oh, God. I don't have all the answers. I wish I did, but I don't. You know, it used to be so easy. You'd cry, I'd buy you a bracelet. You cried louder, maybe some earrings.
Hilary: I miss those days.
Philip: Well, just remember happiness comes from inside.

Will: Hey, hey, that's enough, you two. All right, now, each side is very nice in its own way. [Uncle Phil nods]
Carlton: You really think so, Will?
Will: Yeah. I mean, you might've laid the flock on a little thick but other than that, it's very busy.
Philip: Not bad, Will. Not bad.
Will: Well, hey, I'm just kind of getting the hang of this parenting thing here, know what I mean?
Ashley: Hey, Dad, I'm heading down to the mall. Mind if I borrow a few bucks?
Will: I'm sorry, I'm busted. You're gonna have to get back with me later on that one.

Hilary: Oh, great, Geoffrey you're here.
Geoffrey: And if I said I weren't, would you leave me alone?
Hilary: You can't get me down, Geoffrey. Not today. Today is the happiest day of my life. Until tomorrow, when my show goes national which will make that the new happiest day of my life. That'll make today...
Geoffrey: I get the pattern, Miss Hilary.
Hilary: Then you'll hem these? Great. Geoffrey's on board.

Hilary: Oh, Daddy, you're here.
Philip: Congratulations on your big day.
Hilary: Oh, thank you. Have you decided which TV you're gonna watch it on?
Philip: Yeah. This one right here.
Hilary: Great, great. Come on, sit down. Sit down. Okay. Okay. Click. [chuckles] Look, I'm on. Let's practice. How are you gonna watch me? [Philip looks at the TV] Oh, good, good. Oh, this is so exciting. Look, there I am interviewing some very important guests. Will, who's on the show tomorrow?
Will: A bunch of pregnant women.
Hilary: Great, I'll look thin. Not that I don't, anyway. Oh, I have a real knack for this. Oh, here's the remote.

Will: Oh, Hil, you were slamming. The show was kicking. Werner, if you don't stop dancing, I'm about to get seasick. [British accent] I'm here with national talk-show hostess, Hilary Banks. Hilary, how do you feel?
Hilary: They like me. They really like me.
Will: Now, Hilary, now that you've reached this pinnacle, this high-point in your career, what's left for you to accomplish? How will you possibly top this?
Hilary: Oh, that's easy. I was thinking... Well, um... Well, I think that I'm goi... Ugh. No. Well, maybe I can't top this.
Will: Right. Right.

Will: Now, this is just like on ER, y'all. All right, so just chill. Everybody, just relax. Hey, hey, how do you feel right now?
Dr. Duane: Can somebody get this clown out of here?
Julie: Allow me. [punches Will]

Julie: This is the happiest day of my life.
Will: Whoa. What a coincidence, Hil, this is the happiest day of your life too. Your show just went national.
Hilary: I know. Don't I look happy?
Dr. Duane: Hey, Spike Lee. We gotta clear a path, let this woman out of here.
Will: Whoo! It's the good doctor. Congratulations, doc. Hey, put it there. Hey, you know what? Right after you wash that.

Ashley: Wait, wait, wait. What is that?
Carlton: It's called flocking. It makes the tree look pretty.
Ashley: It makes it look cheesy and I won't have it on my tree.
Carlton: Oh, your tree? Well, let me tell you something, missy.
Ashley: Oh, get that flocking can away from me.