Philip: Well, the fax came right after the verdict was announced.
Geoffrey: And they haven't stopped since.
Philip: Oh, half of them wanna hang me, half of them wanna hug me.
Will: Oh, there's a dude here from Appalachia. He says he thinks your mouth is kind of pretty. Guess I'll put this in the hug pile.

Will: Oh, Carlton, I still think it was a little early to give up on the dating service.
Carlton: Will, meet Safety Guy.
Will: Safety Guy, what's up, bro? What's going on, boy?
Carlton: Look, this happens to be the latest in home and personal security. "Designed as a visual deterrent, Safety Guy is a life-size simulated male."
Will: Hmm. And you're a pint-size simulated male.
Carlton: Very funny. He's gonna protect the Big Guy when we're not around.
Will: You mean to tell me this thing can protect somebody?
Carlton: Oh, absolutely.
Will: Hmm. [slaps the back of Carlton's head] Huh. He must be on a break, huh?
Carlton: Will, this is no time for tomfoolery. Now, take your walkie-talkie and infrared goggles.
Will: Damn. Oh, my God. Yo, I can see right through your clothes with these things. No wonder you're so shy.

Carlton: Okay, pal, state your business.
Juggles: Who are you?
Carlton: Never mind who I am. And wipe that smile off your face and tell me your name.
Juggles: Juggles.
Carlton: Well, look, Juggles, get what you're after and get out of here.
Juggles: Who are you?
Carlton: Carlton Banks. And that's my father, Judge Banks. I'm the head of his security team and my job is to check out suspicious people like you. So come on, let's go. Move it along.
Juggles: Judge Banks from the Show-Biz Madam Trial?
Carlton: Pretty impressed, huh?
Juggles: More than you can imagine. [shouts] All right! Nobody moves and nobody gets blown up! [Carlton screams]

Carlton: All right, Will, I got a plan. You create a diversion while Dad and I slip out the back.
Will: Hey, yo. Hey, man, where does that leave me?
Carlton: You are so selfish.

Philip: What do you hope to accomplish by strapping a bomb to your chest and blowing up a gas station?
Juggles: [chuckles] I'm on my way down to one of the networks and I'm gonna make them put me on TV. And then the whole world is gonna see my talent to entertain.
Will: Um... Wouldn't it be easier to just get a agent?
Juggles: I had an agent and then he had my wife. [nervous silence] That's a joke!
Philip: There's gotta be a better way.
Juggles: Yeah, well, I tried all the other ways, but it's always Bozo this or Coco that. Never any jobs for Juggles, oh, no. And I'll tell you another thing, I could've sold twice as many hamburgers as that Ronald guy. That no-act clown. No. No. Nobody wants to give Juggles a chance. Mm-mm. One little tent fire. One little elephant stampede. A couple of kids end up in the hospital and, all of a sudden, Juggles is poison. As if they even saw me smoking that cigar. It's harassment, I tell you!
Will: Well, you're probably in a hurry to get down to that network, you know. So don't let us stop you. Grab your little seltzer bottle, hop in your little miniature car. If you go right now, you could probably beat rush hour.
Juggles: No! No, no, no. Oh, no. Now that I got myself a big celebrity judge hostage I'm gonna make the network people come here. [chuckles] I'll be a bigger celebrity than I even thought.

Carlton: Now, I've heard enough. This plan's never gonna work. Listen, clown, there are not gonna be any news stations down here. Every station in the world is gonna be at the courthouse waiting for my Dad.
Will: Carlton-
Carlton: It's gonna be a media circus there. If you think any news camera people are coming here-
Will: Carlton-
Carlton: No, no, no. He should hear this. I mean, even the tabloids are gonna be down at the courthouse.
Juggles: You know, he's right. This won't work. Yeah, you guys are going down to the courthouse.
Carlton: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Juggles: But I'm coming with you.
Will: Aah! Juggles, no!

Juggles: What are we, Driving Miss Daisy? Come on, speed it up a little. I have a date with destiny.
Carlton: I'm trying to obey the law, unlike someone else in this car.
Juggles: Pedal to the metal, Tattoo.
Carlton: And if I don't, I suppose you'll throw me out the window just like you did Safety Guy. Oh, the sight of that perfectly chiseled foam body being mutilated by that 18-wheeler. You bastard.

Will: All right, look, you know what? I have had about enough of this. Why don't you just give it up, man? You're going to jail anyway. [Juggles holds up the detonator] Hey, hey, hey. But who am I to be dissing jail, you know? I hear there's a lot of fascinating criminals in there. Look, Jugs... Can I call you Jugs? You are going about this all the wrong way, man. Dude, let me tell you. It is gonna be plenty of honeys down at that courthouse. And you know how the ladies feel about clowns, huh? Huh? Ha-ha. Oh. You look like you might've had a little freaky rendezvous with the bearded lady or something down there, huh? Yeah. So listen, if we go up in there holding hands, man, we gonna be sending the wrong message. So why don't you pop these cuffs off and throw that bomb out the window? Let's go to that jail and get our party on, you know what I'm saying?
Juggles: You know, you got a bit of the clown in you.
Will: Oh, yeah?
Juggles: You might even have your own act.
Will: Ha-ha.
Juggles: But I work alone!

Bailiff: The Honorable Judge Banks-
Philip: Stop, stop, stop. Sit, sit, sit. Sit down. Come on. Somebody dim the lights. It's my damn courtroom, dim the lights. [Carlton imitates fanfare] Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages presenting the hardest-working clown in show business. I give you Juggles.
Juggles: [laughs] Where's the music?! [Carlton hums circus music] Thank you, Judge Banks.
Philip: [buzzer] Ow!
Lawyer: Your Honor, what is going on in here? This is ridiculous.
Juggles: That's the general idea.

Bree Walker: [on TV] It's not exactly clear what's happening in the courtroom but it appears Judge Banks has lost control.
Geoffrey: This is better than Benny Hill.
Bree Walker: This wouldn't be the first time that a judge has succumbed to the stress of a trial. We all remember when Judge Lance Peterson cracked and rendered a verdict with the aide of a sock puppet named Randy.