Will: All right, come on, man, let's break. I'm gonna demand to get on the air.
Carlton: Will, has all that hot sauce finally gone to your brain? Look, there's a right way to negotiate and a wrong way. Observe the right way. Hi, I'm here to see Howard.
Carla: Your name?
Carlton: Bryant. Bryant Gumbel.
Carla: And I'm Patti LaBelle.
Will: Beat it. Look, Patti, you seem like a no-nonsense kind of slimmy, right? So, I'm gonna give it to you straight.
Carlton: Will, you gotta lie to get what you want. Didn't you watch the Republican convention?
Will: Carlton, don't make me come down there.

Philip: These kids have got to be more sensitive to these bills. I mean, look at them, they're... Out of sight.
Vivian: Philip, stop looking at my chest.
Philip: I'm sorry, honey. It's just that ever since you've been pregnant they're back.
Vivian: Is that all I am to you is a bustline?
Philip: I'm sorry. Did you say something, honey?

Carlton: Dad, I'd like to try something out on you.
Philip: Carlton, please. Do I have to sit through your Urkel impression again?
Carlton: Maybe later, but right now I've been reading this book on negotiating and I'd like to practice my technique.
Philip: No.
Carlton: I'm gonna look you straight in the eye and ask you again.
Philip: No, and get some Binaca.

Carlton: Come on, big guy, work with me. I'd like a raise in my allowance.
Philip: All right, how much?
Carlton: $75,000.
Philip: Are you insane?
Carlton: The book says start high.
Philip: And obviously you are. I'll give you $3 more a week.
Carlton: Gee, thanks, Dad. Now I can stop taking money from your wallet.

Carlton: Dad, if you'd put a bell around her neck we'd at least know when she was coming.
Philip: Shut up, Carlton.
Carlton: Okey-dokey.
Philip: Hilary, you're a 23-year-old woman living in your parents' pool house. You haven't had a job in over two months. What do you have to say for yourself?
Hilary: I'm not pregnant.
Philip: Honey. Sweetheart, I don't want to be too hard on you. The hell I don't. Get a job.

Trevor: [on TV] I'm standing outside the LA Recreational Center on Pico Boulevard. The people you see behind me all have one thing in common.
Hilary: Yeah, polyester. Except for that guy holding the microphone. He's kind of cute. I wonder why I've never seen him before.
Will: Probably 'cause this is the news and he's never been on Studs.
Hilary: Doesn't matter. He wouldn't be interested in me anyway. I have no job. I have no self-esteem. I'm nobody.

Hilary: Oh, forget it, Will. Trevor's not gonna be interested in some unemployed freeloader.
Will: Now, come on, Hil, look, your job is not your identity. I mean, you got a lot of other things going for you.
Hilary: Like what?
Will: Well, like the fact that you're... Well, well, you know that you're... Your hat always matches your shoes.
Hilary: Talk about missing the obvious. Thanks, Will.

Will: Hey, yo, I don't believe this. The news station won't let me come on to talk about the petition.
Carlton: Will, Will, Will, Will, Will. Haven't you learned anything living with me the past two years?
Will: What, you mean other than the words to Mandy?
Carlton: I'm talking about The Art of Negotiation and I'll be glad to share my wisdom with you.
Will: No, no, no. Last time you shared something with me I was on antibiotics for two weeks.

Philip: Now, it's not every day that my little baby gets a job.
Carlton: So, what will you be doing?
Hilary: Okay, try to guess. A limo will pick me up and take me home. I'll make lots of money, and I'll only have to work an hour a day.
Carlton: Oh, my God! She's gonna be a hooker!
Hilary: No, you idiot. I'm gonna be a weather girl.

Will: My man, Carlton. What's up with this negotiating thing, man?
Carlton: Hop on one foot and say, "Carlton is king."
Will: You know, I got a better idea. How about I squeeze your neck till your head pops off?
Carlton: See, you're negotiating already.