Rapper: [on TV] I'm for the rec center because that's where I do most of my rec centering. And when I'm not down with R-E-C, I'm down with R-A-P. When I got home late from the grocery store Mama said, "Lock him out!" Now I know why Pops had to go 'Cause Mama is way whacked out! Mama is way whacked out!
Trevor: [on TV] Good luck, homey.
Will: I don't believe that mess. You know, it's the same thing every time they interview a Black person on TV. They either singing or dancing. And they got curlers in their head or out of activator.

Hilary: Here in Southern California, we're experiencing a warm front with increasing humidity. That's right, girls, it's a frizzy-hair day. Looking at the nation, oh... Looking at the nation, there's a cold front blowing in from the Atlantic with a high probability of rain in the Midwest. The South, however, will enjoy pleasant and sunny weather. So, if you're planning on going to the beaches, remember you can help keep America beautiful with two simple words... Jenny Craig. Now, let's go look at our big board for the local weather for the week.

Carlton: You know, Will, that really makes you think. What's activator?
Will: Come on, man, you saw that story. I mean, that ain't fair!
Carlton: Life isn't fair, Will. I mean, was it fair when Bambi's mother died? Or is it fair that the coyote still can't catch the roadrunner? Or how about Roger Rabbit? How did he get a babe like that?
Will: You know, Carlton, you're right. Life isn't fair. Because if it was, then your legs wouldn't be shorter than your arms.

Will: Hey, check this out, Aunt Viv.
Philip: What are you doing?
Will: I learned in biology class that, you know, babies can respond to music while they still in the womb. You know, like when you was carrying Carlton you kept listening to It's a Small World After All?
Vivian: Oh, the baby's kicking. Who's that singing?
Will: Just a little Heavy D for Heavy V.
Philip: Will, it's bad enough you have an influence on Ashley. Hands off the fetus.
Will: All right, look, well, come on, can we at least make the kid be righteous? You know, like let him have an African name like Brother Outaphilia. Oh, hey, check it out, I got him a gift. Little itty-bitty X cap. Little teeny-weeny Doc Martens. Too cool for pre-school, right?

Philip: Hilary, honey, I'm really proud of you. I don't think you've ever gone grocery shopping.
Hilary: Well, I guess it's time I spread my wings.
[Hilary opens the refrigerator and starts filling up a basket. Each time she takes an item from the fridge and puts it in the basket, Uncle Phil takes it back and passes it to Carlton]
Hilary: This is the last time I shop here for fruit. [Philip grabs the basket] Oh, that's okay, Daddy. You don't have to carry it, I'm a big girl. [Philip holds onto the basket] Let go, Daddy. Do your own shopping.

Philip: So, Will. Have any luck down at the news station?
Will: No, Uncle Phil. It was kind of weird, too. It was like no matter how much sense I was making, the dude wouldn't listen. I don't know, it was almost like a discrimination type thing or something. I don't know. Boy, I wish I knew a lawyer.
Philip: What are you talking about? You know me.
Will: You?
Philip: Yeah.
Will: No, Uncle Phil, I mean, you're this big-time lawyer and everything. I mean, you ain't got time to help us little guys fight the system. I mean, now, you did back in the day though. You was the man back then. But, you know, now... Don't even worry about it, Uncle Phil. It's all right. [sings] We shall overcome...

Vivian: Will, honey, why all this sudden interest in the baby?
Will: Well, I mean I've been able to save Ashley, but as far as your other two kids Let's just say they a couple of wings short of a bucket.
Philip: Just one minute, there is nothing wrong with Hilary and Carlton.
Hilary: [enters] Daddy, how do you expect me to support myself if you don't increase your credit card limit.
Carlton: [enters] Dad, I decided to throw caution to the wind. V-neck!
Will: Coincidence? I think not. Allow me.

Will: Yo, yo, my posse, check it out. In less than five minutes, yours truly is going to be on the 6:00 news. And without handcuffs.
Carlton: What, they use the old choke hold? This I got to see.
Will: No, no, it was a peaceful protest. Would even made Gandhi proud. You know, except we went out for burgers afterwards.
Philip: Well, what were you protesting, Will?
Will: Well, you know, the city wants to tear down the rec center on Pico, so a couple of us got together, started a petition. You know, we get enough signatures, we might be able to save it.
Hilary: So, when did you become so socially conscious?
Will: Well, you know, I play ball down there, and plus it's good for the community. [to Uncle Phil] And there's also this girl down there on the swim team. She teaching me the breaststroke.

Howard: How would you like to be a weather girl?
Hilary: I don't know the first thing about weather.
Howard: Sure you do. What happens when it rains?
Hilary: You send Geoffrey out to get the car.

Hilary: It's all thanks to Will. Unlike you who kicked me when I was down Will took me by the hand and led me to the news station to meet Trevor Collins. And, while I was there this guy, Howard, offered me the job.
Philip: I love Howard.
Will: Whoa, whoa, Uncle Phil, come on, remember Howard's the enemy.
Philip: Shut up, Will. Howard's a god. He performed a miracle. Hilary's working. With any luck, she'll be off my property before I'm dead. So, sweetheart, tell me about this Howard. Does he like cashmere?