Police Officer: Sit down, Smith.
Will: Oh, okay, it's like that, right? All right. It's cool. I'm gonna sit down. All right, I'm sitting down right here. And you think that just 'cause you got that badge and all your tough cop friends walking around and your cute little walkie-talkie that you can talk to folks any old way you want to do it. Well, I tell you right now, if you ain't have all that stuff we'd be squawking a different language up in here right now.
Police Officer: What are you trying to say?
Will: I think I made myself real clear when I said what I just said.
Police Officer: Yeah. Yeah, I guess you did. [takes hat off]
Will: [jumps up] Mr. Officer, your stuff fell off. Hip-hop cop. Blue looks nice on you, too. Match that big blue vein throbbing in your neck right now.
Philip: I'm Philip Banks, the boy's attorney. I'd like to speak to my nephew alone, please.
Will: What's up now, tough guy?
Police Officer: No problem, sir.
Will: That's right.

Will: Hey, Judge. Judge. Judge, check it out. Look, brother ran into a little misfortune. Right? I got like $2,000 worth of parking tickets. [takes out cash and rubs his face with it] I was just wondering, I don't know, maybe you might be able to do a... I thought he was selling condoms.

Will: Man, this has been the worst day of my life. And as soon as I see Jazz, I'm going to make it the worst day of his.
Carlton: Will, you seem embittered. Jail will do that to a man. Now that you've done hard time, a book may be in order. Criminals sell. I can sell criminals. You're a criminal.
Will: Really? And you're too short to ride the teacup ride at Disneyland.

Will: Okay. All right. It's like that, right? It's like that. Y'all going to flee me like that, right?
Carlton: My suggestion to you, my despondent, desperate, ne'er-do-well cousin is to make amends with your partner in delinquency.
Will: What?!
Ashley: Call him, Will. I'm sure Jazz is sorry.
Will: Why should I call him after what he did to me? You know, forget it. I don't need him. I don't need you. I don't need nobody.
Carlton: [sings] Everybody needs somebody Sometime Everybody needs someone It's true
[montage of Will and Jazz on vacation: on a beach; in Paris; on a see-saw in front of the Pyramids; on a park bench with two women; and finally, Will alone on the bench]

Jazz: What's up, Prince?
Will: Me and Carlton just checking out these college brochures.
Carlton: I've already set my sights on Princeton. It has a balanced curriculum with the largest repository of classical literature.
Will: Yeah, well, I got my sights set on this school with the largest repository of girls with the big old butts. Oh, yeah!

Philip: Will, Carlton I want you guys to be on your best behavior tomorrow and look presentable. It's navy-blue jacket, gray slacks, power tie.
Will: Whoa, Uncle Phil, you sure you wouldn't want Carlton to wear Aunt Viv's apron?
Philip: No.

Philip: Vivian, you look so sexy.
Vivian: Thank you, sweetheart.
Philip: Now go upstairs and change. What, don't you want to project the right image?
Vivian: Hey, I'm happy that this fits over my belly. Which reminds me, I'm hungry.

Ashley: Daddy? I am a young adult, and I have my rights. If you force me to wear this, I'II... I'll hold my breath until my face turns blue.
Philip: Ashley, you're 13 years old, you'll do what I say.
Ashley: But that's not fair.
Philip: Call a cop.
Ashley: Mommy!

Geoffrey: Excuse me, sir, but how's your day been going so far?
Philip: Well, wonderful, Geoffrey, thank you.
Geoffrey: Well, down the toilet it goes.

Philip: Judge Robertson, what are you doing here, sir?
Judge Robertson: Philip, it's good to see you again, my boy. How long has it been: 10, 15 years?
Philip: We just had dinner a few weeks ago, sir.
Judge Robertson: We did? Did I leave here with my pants on?
Philip: Yes.
Judge Robertson: Oh, thank God. [laughs] But that means you must throw a lousy party. But enough about you, Philip. Look, Philip, you got to help me. You're the only one I can trust. I just heard that they found someone to run against me.
Philip: Judge, we discussed that over dinner. I'm running against you.
Judge Robertson: What? How dare you! Get out of my house! Out! Lionel, show him the door. [storms off upstairs]