Will: Hi, Mom.
Vy: So what's my little man working so hard at?
Will: Ugh, this math, but hey this can wait. You're only gonna be out here a few days.
Vy: No, don't worry about it. I'll entertain myself. Go ahead. [pulls a chair up next to Will] Wait a minute, baby. [sharpens Will's pencil] [pulls a piece of fluff out of Will's hair] [Will sniffles] Blow.
Will: Mom, what are you doing?
Vy: I said blow. [Will blows his nose] Good boy. [puts a blanket over Will's shoulders]
Will: Come on, Mom.
Vy: Sorry. [blows away Will's eraser marks]
Will: You know what, Mom? I can do this later. Why don't we go somewhere, have some fun?
Vy: Fun? William, you gotta learn how to concentrate. Now your schoolwork comes before anything else. Will. [takes a photo of Will] Now keep studying.

Hilary: Put the champagne over there, then go out and help set up the tables. And if you value your tip, stop looking at my behind.

Vivian: Oh, I can't believe my baby sister's getting married.
Philip: I can. I just paid the florist.
Vivian: Philip, all you ever think about is money.
Philip: No. That's not true, Vivian. Sometimes I think about other things.
Vy: Would you two knock it off? You're married. It's time you start acting like it.
Vivian: Viola, this is why I got married.
Hilary: Mother, please. It's the '90s. I mean, a woman doesn't have to be married to... Like, I read about it, okay?

Vivian: Where's Carlton?
Carlton: Bobby, covering a person's eyes when they're driving is not a very wise thing to do. And don't ever call me a weenie-face in public again.
Bobby: Well, we're in private now, weenie-face.
Vivian: Carlton, take the luggage upstairs. You three will sleep in Carlton's room, and Carlton will sleep in Will's room.
Bobby: I want to sleep with Carlton.
Carlton: I always dreamt when I heard those words it would be Paula Abdul saying them.

Vivian: Wait a minute. Now where is the groom?
Janice: Frank is coming in the morning. He had to take care of some business.
Aunt Helen: Oh, yes. Speaking of taking care of business, does he? Forever is a long time, sister.
Vy: Not in front of Will, please.
Janice: Viola, wake up. Will is 17 years old. He's probably taking care of a little business himself. Aren't you, Will?
Will: Absolutely not!

Carlton: Well, I'm definitely getting married, and I want my wife to be a virgin.
Will: Well, you better hurry up, man. Mother Teresa ain't getting no younger.
Carlton: My wife: the limber, but unspoiled Bridgetta. She'll be an excellent homemaker and have the breasts the size of Australia.
Will: I don't know, man. I just can't imagine waking up to the same woman every day for the rest of my life... no matter how big Australia is.
Carlton: Come on, Will, you really don't want to get married?
Will: I don't know, man. Maybe one day. You know, when I'm old and gray. You know, around 29, 30 years old.
Carlton: Heck, by then young Carlton will be interviewing for preschool and Carltonette will be a little croissant in the oven.
Will: That's good. Then they'll be able to baby-sit little Will, Wilma, Williamina, Wilton, and Baby Willy.

Will: Carlton?
Carlton: Yeah?
Will: Is that your feet, or did you break wind?
Carlton: Sorry, Will.

Will: Carlton, come on, man. It is not that serious.
Carlton: I'm head usher and there's no one to seat. I'll be all dressed up with absolutely nothing to do.
Will: Just think of it as one of your dates.

Bobby: Cousin Carlton, tomorrow can you take me to Disneyland?
Carlton: Forget it. I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.
Will: You know, Bobby, I love it when you come to visit, man. They appreciate me so much more when you leave.

Geoffrey: Mr. Frank Schaeffer.
Vy: Yes. Welcome to our family. I'm Vy. I raised Janice, and looking at you, I know I raised her right. Those are the other two sisters.
Aunt Helen: Oh, yes. Cute, cute, cute, and cute. A dangerous combination. Why don't you come in, make yourself comfortable?
Carlton: Your little woman will be down any minute.
Cabbie: Great.
Philip: Thanks a lot, buddy.
Frank Schaeffer: Thanks.
Janice: Baby. [kisses Frank]