Will: Girl, what would it take for a guy like me to get next to a girl like you?
Woman: Five years and six figures.
Will: Thank you very much.

Philip: I really wanna thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Mr. Hefner.
Hugh Hefner: Well, it's always a pleasure to talk to a long-time subscriber. [bumps fists with Jazz] My man, Linc.
Philip: Uh, I wanna cut right to the chase here. It's about my daughter posing for your magazine. I mean, well, how would you feel if your daughter got involved in this whole world?
Hugh Hefner: Well, my daughter is involved in this whole world. She runs the Playboy empire.
Philip: Okay, let's try this a different way. Well, look, suppose somebody that you really care about, like your wife, suppose she decided to pose?
Hugh Hefner: Well, my wife was the Playmate of the Year and I'm vey proud of her.
Philip: Don't you understand there are some parents who are not comfortable with their daughters being stared at by millions of people?
Hugh Hefner: I understand where you're coming from. Look, over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of parents. You seem like a good man. Let me put it this way: I promise you, the pictures will be tasteful.
Philip: Tasteful? Oh, yeah, right. [chuckles] I know what that means. Well, thank you very much.

Will: Jackie, you're here.
Jackie: Will, I thought you were sick.
Will: Oh, yeah, I was. You know, I... At least I thought I was. You know, actually, I had an allergic reaction to... to... to bunnies.

Will: So, say, what's up with that date?
Jackie: I'm sorry, Will, but when you cancelled on me, I made plans to go to the movies.
Will: Oh, that's cool. Just call up your little girlfriend and break them.
Jackie: My "little girlfriend" is 6'2" with a mustache.
Will: What kind of monster are you? A man is laying up in his deathbed, and you go stepping out on him?
Jackie: Hey, Will, you and me ain't all that.

Philip: I hope you're proud of yourself, Vivian.
Vivian: What did I do?
Philip: Your daughter is somewhere in Malibu stark naked.
Vivian: What are you talking about?
Philip: She went and posed for Playboy, and you encouraged her.
Vivian: I did no such thing. When I talked to her, she hadn't made up her mind yet. If anything pushed her over the edge it was your usual "do it my way or else" charm.
Philip: Don't you start with me, Vivian. No matter what I did, she's my daughter. And a daughter should obey her father.
Vivian: In that case, I never would've married you.
Philip: Oh, that was different. Your father had it in for me. What was it again he didn't like about me?
Vivian: It was a tie between your family and your temper.
Philip: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure don't miss him. God rest his soul.

Hilary: Daddy, I'm sorry, but I've already had my pictures taken.
Philip: It's all right.
Hilary: It was my choice and... It's all right?
Philip: You're not a child anymore. You're a beautiful woman. Beautiful enough for Playboy to ask and woman enough to make your own decisions. No matter what, I still love you.
Hilary: Oh, Daddy.
Philip: So when are your pictures coming out?
Hilary: They said in about two months.
Philip: You understand, of course, I can't be here when they do. [picks up suitcase]

[title: Somewhere in Bel-Air 8 weeks later:]
Philip: [knock at the door] Enter.
Will: It's arrived, Uncle Phil.
Philip: I don't wanna see them. It came in the mail today with a personal letter from Mr. Hefner. He thinks you should take a look at it. So do I.
Philip: You can forget it, because I'm... Oh, all right. Look at that. She's covered up. Hallelujah, she's covered up!
Will: But this little girl is not.
Both: Ooh. Hallelujah.