Philip: All right. All right, so I have an ugly side.
Geoffrey: And you could write "Goodyear" on it.

Vivian: Geoffrey, we're gonna need some hors d'oeuvres tonight. What do we have in the house?
Geoffrey: Whatever he hasn't eaten.
Philip: Geoffrey, for once, could you please cut the sarcasm?
Geoffrey: Sarcasm? Whatever do you mean?

Will: Hey, girl. Now, Ashley, this is a million dollars here. Now, listen, Uncle Phil could put that money in the bank, right and then start getting all kinds of crazy interest. Then it's bonds, and then there's that T-bill stuff and then they got some certificates, and then- then- then junk be compounded.
Philip: What are you talking about?
Will: I have no idea.

Geoffrey: Sir, I hate to disturb you during feeding time but there's a man snooping around the premises.
Ashley: Daddy, call the police.
Philip: I'll handle this.
Will: No, no, no. I got this one, Uncle Phil. [kicks doors open] What are you doing in our back yard? Oh, my God, Uncle Phil, he's got a... business card.

Philip: What kind of offer, Mr. Reed?
Ron: Well above market value. My client wants to buy it for his nephew.
Vivian: But this house is not for sale.
Carlton: How much?
Philip: Shut up, Carlton.
Ron: Mr. And Mrs. Banks, if you'll hear me out. You see, my client's nephew grew up in this house in the '50s and he'd like to repurchase it for sentimental reasons.
Carlton: How much?
All: Shut up, Carlton.

Philip: It's kind of tempting, huh? Especially with the real estate market being so soft.
Ashley: Am I the only one who doesn't think making money is always the bottom line?
Carlton: Let's hope so.

Geoffrey: Sir, it is my esteemed pleasure to introduce Mr. And Mrs. Donald Trump.
Carlton: It's The Donald! Oh, my God! [passes out]
Philip: Uh, Mr. And Mrs. Trump, it's an honor to um, to um, to meet you. [dumps Carlton on the couch]

Will: Hey, Mr. Trump. Hey, how are you doing? Will Smith. Hey, listen, you are getting a great house here. And this is quite a deal you're getting for it too. Tell you what, throw in another 50 grand, I'll cut the grass for you every Saturday.
Donald Trump: Look, folks, before we go too far, I've got something to tell you.
Ashley: Excuse me, but I've got something to tell you first. Thank you for ruining my life.
Will: Ashley.
Marla Maples Trump: What did you do?
Donald Trump: Everybody's always blaming me for everything.

Ron: I'm sorry if I startled anyone. Nobody answered the front door. I'm a realtor. Ron Reed. How are you?
Carlton: Well, that still doesn't give you the right to go traipsing around our property.
Ron: But I've got a client prepared to make a very generous offer on this house.
Carlton: Well, then come on in, Ron. It is Ron, isn't it? So, sit down. Take a load off. Yes. Care for some salmon?
Philip: Carlton.

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, man you're not really going to consider selling this house, are you? I mean, come on, this place is special to us.
Ron: I'm authorized to bid a half million dollars above fair-market value.
Will: I'm going to pack my stuff, all right?