Carlton: Will, I hate to rain on your fashion parade but the Moms Mabley look is definitely passe.
Will: I was trying to take a shower, but there ain't no water pressure 'cause somebody broke the three-minute shower limit.
[Ashley sheepishly enters the room and tries to avoid eye contact with Will & Carlton]
Ashley: What?
Will: Don't give me that. Look at these fingernails. Look behind these ears. How long did you bathe today, young lady?
Ashley: Seven minutes. I'm sorry, but I had to wash. I have enough problems. I'm going through puberty for God's sake.

Will: All right, so I lied. But, come on, y'all, I wanna win that car! I mean, and to win on these game shows you gotta be, you know, Carlton-like.
Jazz: I don't get it.
Carlton: His point exactly. You see, what Will is trying to say is, and let me choose my words carefully, you guys are stupid.

Tyriq: Look, so is it gonna be me or him?
Will: l already got a partner.
Jazz & Tyriq: Who?
Will: Kellogg Leiberbaum. He's a dude from my school.
Tyriq: My bro, if you did have to pick one of us.
Jazz: Speaking hypodermically.

Will: Look, that is not what I'm trying to say. Look, it's like this, y'all. It's like, with Carlton. Carlton, who is Captain Kangaroo's friend?
Carlton: Mr. Green Jeans.
Will: How many players on a cricket team?
Carlton: Eleven.
Will: Letters not on a phone dial?
Carlton: Q and Z.
Will: Best picture, 1936?
Carlton: The Great Ziegfeld.
Will: The third wife of Julius Caesar?
Carlton: Calpurnia.

Bob Eubanks: Okay, it's time for the trivia round and here's our first question. Everybody ready? Here we go. "What famous cartoon character soared to fame on his oversized ears?" [buzzer] Carlton.
Carlton: That's an easy one, Bob. The beloved pachyderm in question won our young hearts by turning a handicap into- [buzzer]
Bob Eubanks: I'm sorry. Time is up. Let's go to your opponents.
Jazz: Answer, dumbo.
Bob Eubanks: Dumbo's the correct answer. You got that for 100 points.

Bob Eubanks: Okay, Tyriq and Jazz, you're well out in front, you've got 200 points. lt's time now for our final question of the round, and here it is. "'The rain in Spain stays mainly,' where?" [buzzer] Carlton.
Carlton: Actually, Bob, the rainfall in the Pyrenees Mountains of Spain falls at a whopping-
Will: "In the plains," Bob!
Bob Eubanks: "In the plains." Yes, that's right. You got it for 100 points. Okay, that concludes our question round.
I want you to sit tight and find out what kind of a fine mess these folks have gotten themselves into when we come back for our stunt round on Double Trouble. We'll be right back for that.

Vivian: [on the phone] Hello? Philip, did you do something to the phone?
Philip: There was a little static on the line, so I did a little rewiring.
Vivian: Honey, there's no dial tone.
Philip: There's no static, either.

Vivian: Well, I just called the repairman from the car phone. They can't come out until tomorrow.
Hilary: No phone service for 24 hours? This is a nightmare. I mean, it's like we've vanished off the face of the earth!
Philip: Don't be so dramatic, Hilary.
Will: Hey, she's not being dramatic. Jimmie Walker's phone went out for 24 hours in the late 70s and, hey, well, y'all know the rest.

Will: Yeah, that reminds me. When I win that brand-new Corvette, I'm gonna have a phone on the dash leather on the seats, and Halle Berry on my lap.
Ashley: I can't believe you're gonna be on Double Trouble.
Carlton: Double Trouble? Are you nuts? You want to embarrass yourself in front of the entire country for a lifetime supply of Alberto VO5?
Will: What you talking about, man? It ain't embarrassing. All I gotta do is answer a couple questions and let my partner squirt some stuff all over me.
Hilary: Wasn't Jimmy Swaggart just arrested for that?

Jazz: Be that as it may, when do we start practicing for the game show?
Tyriq: l'm his partner.
Jazz: I'm his partner.
Will: What, wait, how does everybody know I'm going on a game show?
Tyriq: Man, from Willy at Roscoe's Chicken 'n' Waffles. I'm telling. He knows everything. He's the source who revealed Color Me Badd was White.