Will: Uncle Phil, what's up with the bike?
Philip: Look, I bought me a motorcycle. It was my decision, and I don't wanna hear any more about it.
Will: Must be that midlife crisis thing Aunt Viv warned us about.

Philip: So how are things at school?
Carlton: Great. Dad, I'm thinking of pledging Phi Beta Gamma.
Philip: Judge Morton is a Gamma.
Will: He's also an alcoholic.
Philip: No, that's Judge Martin. So that's great, son. You're a real college man now, huh?
Carlton: Thanks, Dad. Well, I think I'm gonna go take my nap.

Philip: So I take it you're not pledging?
Will: Oh, no. You know, Uncle Phil, I got a reputation more as a free spirit.
Philip: Well, you know, Will, I wouldn't sell fraternity life short. You might get something out of it.
Will: True. They do a lot of work in the community and stuff.
Philip: The Gammas are a good group. Why don't you give it a shot.
Will: Well, the frat leader does need a little help with his jumping. You know, maybe I'll join as, like, a mercy thing.
Philip: That's good. So hop on, I'll take you for a ride.
Will: Oh, that's cool. Oh, but you better not try none of that run-out-of-gas stuff, mister.

Top Dog: It looks like to me our floor needs a little scrub.
Carlton: And a wax and a polish too, I might add.
Top Dog: It's a good idea, Pledge Banks. Pledges, get busy. And you can thank Pledge Banks for doubling your workload.
Will: No need to thank him all at once, fellas.

Will: Hey, Carlton. Do you realize that they're working you harder than everybody else?
Carlton: Nonsense. Everyone had to help re-tar the parking lot.
Will: Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear shoes.

Hilary: Well, Ashley, the museum closed?
Ashley: I had no idea how much Mary was suffering. Damn that Lazlo.
Hilary: Ashley, he doesn't know how much his actions are hurting the people who love him.
Ashley: That's because he's selfish and self-centered.
Philip: [enters] I see your mother's been poisoning your minds.

Philip: Well, if I told you the truth, you would have said, "I told you so."
Vivian: Try me.
Philip: Okay, well, I accidentally left the bike in gear and it ran into a Mr. Icy Pop truck.
Vivian: I knew that bike was dangerous.
Philip: See, that's an "I told you so."
Vivian: It is not.
Philip: Is too.
Vivian: Philip, what do you want from me?
Philip: I don't know. A kiss. [cutesy] I broke my bike.

Philip: Oh, you- You've got to tape this for me tomorrow. Damn that Lazlo.