Philip: Vivian, what the devil is he doing up there?
Vivian: I Got The Power by Snap. Snap is a great band.
Carlton: Well, when Crackle and Pop cut a disc, then call me. [laughs]
Will: [enters] What's so funny?
Hilary: Carlton told a joke.
Will: No, no, no, Hilary. Carlton is a joke.

Ashley: Mommy, who's gonna take me to my tennis lesson after school today?
Vivian: Are you sure it's tennis today, sweetie? Maybe you'd better check your schedule.
Will: Schedule?
Ashley: Yeah, my parents bought me this calendar so I could keep my lessons straight. Didn't you have a schedule for after school at my age?
Will: Yeah, the TV Guide.

Ashley: So, Mommy, who's going to drive me?
Vivian: Hilary?
Hilary: Look, there's a growing pollution problem in this city, and I will not contribute to it. I absolutely refuse to drive anybody anywhere until a responsible car pool is organized.
Vivian: But, Hilary, Ashley is in a car pool.
Hilary: Well, I just don't want to do it, okay?

Will: Hey, Ash, that was decent to listen to that kind of music without having to see Freddy Krueger kill somebody.

Philip: Ashley, honey, where is your violin?
Ashley: Big Sal has it.
Vivian: Big Sal?
Ashley: He owns this really great store where you don't need any money. You just go in and give him something you don't even want anymore, and he gives you this ticket. And then...
Philip: A pawnshop? You took her to a pawnshop?
Will: Well, yeah, it was really hard, too. You don't have many pawnshops in Bel-Air. You know, that's really a shame. You know, I had to go all the way to East LA.

Vivian: Look, it was the only time that Jazz could give her a lesson today.
Philip: Vivian, I wish you would stop calling him that.
Vivian: But that's his name.
Philip: It is not. It can't be.
Vivian: Philip, these kids like to make up their own names. Let them.
Philip: Okay, fine. From now on, I'm no longer Philip Banks. Just call me King Edward lV.
Geoffrey: As you wish, Your Majesty. Humor, sir.

Carlton: Dad, I'm as liberal as the next guy but it's time for someone to take the reins. High tea has been a weekly tradition in our family for as long as I can remember. If we let young Will ruin this for us, what's next to go? Christmas?
Philip: I can't answer that question for you, son. Ask your mother.
Vivian: Oh, come on, you two. High tea is not a sacred institution. [Geoffrey clears his throat]

Philip: It's not the tea. It's not the drums. It's Ashley. I've spent nine years trying to raise a proper young lady and Will is undoing all of my work in a week. Ashley, honey, come down here!
Vivian: What are you doing?
Hilary: He's punishing her.
Philip: No, Hilary, I just want her to spend some time with her family.
Hilary: Same thing.

Will: What is all this yelling about downstairs? Look, we are trying to give a music lesson upstairs. Work with me, people, please?
Philip: You've been practicing all afternoon.
Will: Uh, look, that is the only way she's gonna become a star. Now, this young lady has the drive, the good look, and the intelligence to get to the top but she will not be on Yo! MTVRaps if you all don't work with me.

Will: Do you believe that?
Philip: She wants to quit everything.
Will: I know.
Philip: These kids today have no attention span.
Will: I blame television.