Philip: Judge Robertson.
Judge Robertson: Well, who do we have here?
Philip: Carl-
Judge Robertson: I thought I was Carl.
Philip: I just wanna congratulate you on a campaign well fought, sir.
Judge Robertson: Well, coming from you, Carl, that means a lot.
Philip: I'm Philip.
Judge Robertson: And I am the walrus. Coo coo ca choo!

Will: Ashley, you know I'd never hurt you, right?
Ashley: I know.
Will: Hilary, you know that I would never...
Hilary: Hurt a fly. We know. Look, Will, you're taking this way too seriously. I mean, it's not like you got a bad haircut.

Carlton: Look, I think I know how to help Will. This calls for tough love. We've gotta draw him out. We've gotta bait him, confront him attack him until he defends himself. Only then will he start to feel better.
Hilary: I don't know, Carlton.
Carlton: Look, just follow my lead. Will, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Ashley: How could you do such a thing?
Hilary: Hope you never get mad at me.
Will: [sobs] Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit.
Carlton: Well, I could be wrong.

Vivian: Philip, any chance of getting those flowers after the funeral?
Philip: Sit down, Vivian.

Philip: What can you say about Judge Carl Robertson? What indeed? He was a judge. A judge named Carl. But he was more. So much more. Carl... [accidentally knocks the coffin] He wasn't a very heavy man. Uh... Look, I'm probably the wrong person to be up here. I mean, I just got finished losing an election to the man in which he used every dirty trick in the book. So, at this time I'd like to invite someone with an especially warm memory of Carl Robertson to come up here and share it with us. [everyone looks around] Anyone with a somewhat fond memory of Carl Robertson. [all look around] Anybody with any recollection of him at all. Ah, yes.
Man: The jerk sentenced me to six months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make sure he dead.
Philip: Thank you. Yes.
Man #2: He hired me to replant his garden. And when it came time for him to pay me he called Immigration on me.
Philip: Gracias.

Woman: I knew Carl, biblically.
Philip: Oh, please. Sorry.
Woman: With him it was just a bunch of sex all the time, like dating Thumper. Never felt I really got to know him. Never felt he cared about my needs.
Philip: Uh, you were his wife?
Woman: His mistress.
Philip: Okay.
Woman: For 20 years. Longest years of my life.
Philip: You don't have any pleasant memories at all of him?
Woman: Well... No. The man's idea of sweet talk was: "When you gonna bring your sister around?"
Philip: Well, thank you for sharing.

Will: Carlton, you're just wasting your time, man.
Carlton: Ye of little faith. I'm about to get the endorsement that will lock up Dad's appointment. [on the phone]
Hello, is Vanna there?