‘Asses to Ashes’
Season 3, Episode 10 - Aired November 16, 1992
With election day approaching, Judge Robertson (Sherman Hemsley) starts running negative ads against Uncle Phil.
Quote from Will
Judge Robertson: There goes Philip Banks the biggest sap that ever lived. What a stooge.
Will: Excuse me?
Judge Robertson: You heard me. He's a sap, a dope, a loser. He never had what it takes and he never will. Isn't that right?
Will: I think you should take that back, man.
Judge Robertson: Oh, you do?
Will: Yeah, I do.
Judge Robertson: Well, I think you should run along and play. And don't get involved in politics until you're a big boy.
Will: At least my uncle stands for something.
Judge Robertson: Oh, really? And what would that be? A buffet?
Quote from Vivian
Philip: You won't believe this. They want me to give the eulogy at Judge Robertson's funeral.
Carlton: You're kidding.
Vivian: Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself. So, who's up for Chinese food?
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: Well, Will, you really knocked them dead the other night, huh? Don't get him mad, Mom. You don't want to make him raise his voice.
Vivian: Carlton, take out the trash, honey.
Carlton: I did it last week, it's the Terminator's turn. [on the phone] Dan Quayle, please. I'll hold.
Vivian: Carlton, why are you calling Dan Quayle?
Carlton: Simple. Thanks to the Grim Reaper over here and Judge Robertson taking the old dirt nap, the governor has to appoint someone and the right endorsement could swing it to Dad. [on the phone] Yeah, Carlton Banks. That's B-A-N-K-S. No E. [laughs] That was a joke, ma'am. Hello? The phone's dead, Will!
Will: Carlton, man, I am not a killer. [Carlton laughs after falling to the ground clutching his chest] That's not funny.
Quote from Vivian
Ashley: Well, I think you're being really unreasonable.
Vivian: Well, tough. I don't care if it is chaperoned. You cannot go to Ensenada with Macaulay Culkin.
Quote from Carlton
Will: Uncle Phil, they're dogging you.
Philip: What? Let me see that. "Defeat Philip Banks, the criminal's choice for Superior Court Judge. Banks wants to empty the prisons, fill our streets with hoodlums, and run a bookmaking operation out of his chambers. Vote Robertson for Superior Court Judge."
Carlton: But Dad, aren't some of those lies?
Vivian: Carlton, honey, they're all lies.
Quote from Philip
[campaign commercial:]
Criminal: If Banks gets into office, we won't have to hide anymore this city's ours!
Judge Robertson: Unlike my opponent, I don't think crime should pay. I say, throw the bums in jail.
Narrator: Over the last 20 years, Judge Robertson has thrown over 6,000 bums in jail. Philip Banks, none.
Judge Robertson: Criminals support Philip Banks. Should you?
Narrator: Throw the bums in jail. Say, "Philip Banks, no thanks," on Election Day.
Quote from Philip
Will: Uncle Phil, you got to kick that man's butt. He like begging, he like, "Philip Banks, kick my butt."
Vivian: Philip Banks, kick the man's butt.
Philip: Can't do it, Vivian. I'm running an honest campaign.
Vivian: Philip, that man is evil and senile. Why not fight fire with fire?
Philip: Because it goes against everything I stand for.
Will: What's your point?
Philip: I have made my decision. I'm gonna base my campaign on the issues, not the dirt. I have faith in L.A. that L.A. will have faith in me.
[later:]
Newscaster: With over 90% of the districts reporting Judge Robertson has overwhelmingly defeated Philip Banks.
Philip: I hate L.A.
Quote from Philip
Trevor: And there's the loser now! Let's listen in as he makes his concession speech.
Philip: Everyone, I want to thank you for your support. We put up a good fight and... [everybody starts leaving] Well, it was just an unfortunate set of circumstances that saw... Hey, you don't have to shove, we got two exits!
Trevor: Mr. Banks, not in recent memory has someone managed to lose a race by such a large margin. And so darn quickly. How does it feel?
Philip: Well, once when I was a kid I zipped my pants up too fast. Let's just say this brings back old memories.
Trevor: Ouch. On a brighter note, I see you've brought your lovely family with you including your daughter, KFPB weather personality, Hilary Banks. Hilary, you have just seen your father suffer a humiliating defeat. So tell me, are you free for dinner tonight?
Hilary: Look, my father just lost an election. I mean, I'm not totally insensitive. [covers microphone] How about tomorrow?
Trevor: Great. Well, from the Banks headquarters, this is Trevor Collins feeling pretty good.
Quote from Will
Philip: Now, everybody, put on your best faces. It's time to go give the victor his due.
Will: Damn! Uncle Phil, I got your back. Well, I got like half your back 'cause your back's like...
Quote from Philip
Reporter: Judge Robertson, to what do you attribute your reelection?
Judge Robertson: To getting more votes than the other guy.
Reporter: I mean, why did you get more votes, sir?
Judge Robertson: Well, why didn't you say so, Connie? You see, all the credit goes to my campaign workers who brought me up when I was down.