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26Quotes from ‘The Grant Allocation Derivation’

The Big Bang Theory: The Grant Allocation Derivation

1207. The Grant Allocation Derivation

Aired November 1, 2018

Leonard is caught between a rock and a hard place when he's responsible for distributing extra grant money. Also, Bernadette turns the backyard playhouse into a hideaway from her husband and kids.

Quote from Penny

Sheldon: This reminds me of a traditional Amish barn raising. With everyone pitching in.
Howard: How exactly are you pitching in?
Sheldon: I don't hear anyone else giving facts about traditional Amish barn raising.
Leonard: The rest of us are pitching in with hammers and nails.
Sheldon: Well, facts are my nails, and my voice is the hammer which pounds them through the wood of your skull.
Penny: Well, that is how it feels.

Quote from Penny

Sheldon: All right, I've kept you in suspense long enough. "Dutch" is a bastardization of the word "Deutsch," meaning German.
Penny: What's German for "annoying"?
Sheldon: Nervig. Why do you ask?

Quote from Penny

Penny: What is going on with you?
Bernadette: It's not a big thing. Have you ever told Leonard a little white lie?
Penny: Mm. Well, he thinks I've seen every one of the Star Wars movies, but I've really only seen the one with the gold robot.
Bernadette: That could be any of them.
Penny: Exactly.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Whatcha doin'?
Penny: You scared me.
Amy: I'll ask again. What-cha doin'?
Penny: Nothing.
Amy: Really? You and Bernadette aren't doing stuff without me?
Penny: What? No! Why would you even say that?
Amy: You know how your talent is getting just drunk enough to have a good time without being hungover the next day?
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Well, mine is knowing when I'm being excluded.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard, you've been losing to me in three-dimensional chess for many years. You know what would be neat? If this was some sort of long con and one day you say, "Let's make this interesting," put money on it, and reveal that you actually know what you're doing. [Leonard makes his move] A very long con indeed. Checkmate.

Quote from Amy

Penny: Where does Sheldon think you are?
Amy: Oh, Sheldon's kind of like a dog, he doesn't really think about me when I'm gone, but he's so happy when I show up.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Oh, this is amazing. I wish I had a playhouse like this when I was a kid.
Penny: Really? You never had a playhouse?
Raj: No. I mean, my dad did buy the house next door for us to play in.

Quote from Howard

Howard: I'm gonna hook up the garden hose, so it has running water.
Amy: Why does it need running water?
Howard: Same reason it's got electricity: Bernadette and I both work, and we're overcompensating.

Quote from Amy

Raj: Hey, uh, can you pass me that drill?
Sheldon: Yeah, fun fact about Amish barn raising, they don't use any power tools.
Penny: Amy, make him stop.
Amy: No. If he tires himself out now, he'll sleep better tonight.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: President Siebert, you wanted to see me?
President Siebert: Hey. There's my guy!
Leonard: You sound like my wife just before she asked me to go to Coachella.
President Siebert: No, this is gonna be way more fun than Coachella.
Leonard: More fun than heatstroke? Good luck.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: Well, Siebert put me in charge of handing out the last bit of the administrative funds, and I have sole discretion.
Raj: Ooh! Looks like Christmas came early. First thing on my list is a golden umbrella, 'cause Leonard's gonna make it rain!

Quote from Howard

Leonard: Uh, hold on, I'm not just gonna hand out money. There's a procedure you need to follow.
Sheldon: I believe he's referring to the traditional "kissing of the buttocks."
Howard: Should we form a line, or just do it like we're bobbing for apples?

Quote from Sheldon

Barry Kripke: Hofstadter! Heard Siebert put you in charge of the administrative fund. Can't think of a better guy for the job.
Sheldon: I think he's done this before.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: No, I'm not going to reconsider. Your request was denied. I don't care if it helps you think; you don't need a koi pond in your office. Well, you should have thought about that before you bought the koi!
Penny: Wow. That was a little rough.
Leonard: Well, I have to be. Everyone assumes I'm just gonna give them whatever they want.
Penny: Hmm. But you're not, are you?
Leonard: No, I'm not. I mean, look at this. An espresso machine? I don't think so. Denied!
Penny: Wow, I really like this side of you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, just so decisive.
Leonard: Well, check this out. A standing desk. Denied!
Penny: Oh!
Leonard: If you want to stand, do it on your own time, 'cause I'm the boss.
Penny: Yeah, you are.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard, I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you are managing this grant money.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just came by to pay you a compliment.
Leonard: Nice try. The answer's no.
Sheldon: To what? I'm not asking you for anything. All I need for my job is right here.
Hmm? This is my office. Which makes for a great commute. Home, work, home. I'm still working, I'm just working from home.
Penny: You know, if it's that easy, then why does Leonard have to drive you to work every day?
Sheldon: Because I like the frozen yogurt machine in the cafeteria. Ooh, I suppose I could use a frozen yogurt machine-
Leonard: Denied!

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: It's just that work's been crazy, and the minute I get home, I have two kids hanging on me, and sometimes I don't want babies pulling my hair and pinching my belly fat.
Penny: That'd be a good slogan for a condom company.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Someone's making decisions.
Leonard: I'm reviewing these proposals.
Penny: Yeah. 'Cause you're the boss man, telling people what's what. I like it.
Leonard: (whining) It's just so hard! All-all three of these proposals have merit. How do I choose?
Penny: Well, not with that voice.

Quote from Amy

Penny: I'm just running some errands.
Amy: Yeah? With a bag full of wine?
Penny: I got to stay hydrated.
Amy: Try again.
Penny: Okay, look, I'm sorry. We did not mean to leave you out. All right? Bernadette has been feeling fried at home, so we ended up hanging out in Halley's playhouse.
Amy: Like a secret club?
Penny: No! Just, like, a place to spend time that we don't tell anyone else about.
Amy: And what would be a shorter way of saying that?
Penny: (quietly) Secret club.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm in a secret club! Shh! Is there some sort of humiliating initiation? 'Cause I would literally do anything.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Sorry. I'm distracted.
Sheldon: Ooh, aren't you the hustler.
Leonard: No matter who I give the funds to, someone is gonna be upset with me.
Sheldon: Do you really care if people are angry at you?
Leonard: Of course.
Sheldon: Interesting. Why don't you go to the store and get me some tapioca pudding or I'm gonna be angry at you.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: So it comes and goes?

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Wait, you can make this decision. You don't care if you upset people. You can pick for me.
Sheldon: I certainly could.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Sheldon: But I won't. I think this is a learning opportunity for you.
Leonard: Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I upset you?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Ask me how I feel about that.

Quote from Amy

Bernadette: So where does Leonard think you are?
Penny: Oh, I told him I was at yoga.
Amy: Well, you are stretching the truth.

Quote from Howard

Raj: Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out in there all week.
Raj: Really? Why?
Howard: I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work. And, frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some downtime.
Raj: And you just pretend like you don't know?
Howard: Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. (laughs) Someday, she's gonna find out. I'm gonna say, "Ha-ha! I know you've been hiding in the playhouse."
Raj: Why don't you just get the life insurance?
Howard: Whose side are you on?

Quote from Howard

[in the playhouse:]
Amy: Can you hear what they're saying?
Bernadette: Shh, I'm trying.
(cork pops)
[in the hot tub:]
Howard: Huh. Sounds like Penny's in there, too.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Interesting. What about not wanting everybody to be mad at you?
Leonard: Well, I realized that, no matter what decision I made, people were gonna be mad at me. And this way, I get a laser.
Sheldon: That is the most selfish thing you've ever done. I'm proud of you.
Leonard: And I don't care.
Sheldon: Yes, you do.
Leonard: Yeah, I do.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: The europium laser is so cool. It has a four-level f-f transition which provides for high power output, and its quantum efficiency is off the charts.
Sheldon: What are you going to use it for?
Leonard: I have no idea.
Sheldon: Leonard, there's a crow on your roof.
Leonard: I see it.
Sheldon: Is that one of Dr. Lee's crows?
Leonard: It has a tag on its leg.
Sheldon: Don't make any sudden moves.
Leonard: Smart. Let's stand perfectly still and-
Sheldon: [running away] He's the one you want!


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