Leonard: Hey, I decided to not go through with this Zack and Marissa thing.
Penny: Really? But you were so excited about it.
Leonard: I know. But, um, I think I was just fooling myself. I would be heartbroken if I had a kid out there and I wasn't his dad.
Penny: I know you would.
Leonard: Yeah. So, that thing you wanted to do last night, I'm available.
Wyatt: I got real good hearing there, stud.

Wyatt: I want grandkids before I die and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels.

Susan: Penny, I don't know what I was worried about. Your friends are just lovely.
Penny: Oh, thanks, Mom.
Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
Penny: Is he? I never noticed.
Wyatt: He reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.

Susan: All right, that's enough jail talk.
Randall: Penny knows where I was; she sent me cigarettes.
Susan: You sent your brother cigarettes?
Wyatt: He was cooking and selling crystal meth, Susan. I think we can let the cigarettes slide.

Marissa: It's a little weird for us, too. I mean, instead of our baby looking like Zack, it's gonna look like Leonard.
Zack: Or Penny if it's a girl.
Penny: No, no, it's not gonna look- Sure.

Raj: Uh, if you still want to go, you can go to India and help my dad eat all the nonrefundable sushi.
Howard: Indian sushi? I need a change of underwear just thinking about that.

Zack: Well, Leonard, we were hoping you'd go in on Monday.
Leonard: Okay.
Marissa: And they say, for the best results, between now and then, you shouldn't have sex.
Zack: Sorry, bro, I know it seems impossible to go for five days without, but I believe in you.
Leonard: Five days? My record is 24 years.
Penny: Uh, I think that also means no flying solo.
Leonard: Oh. Then my record is 14 years.