Red: Kitty, where's the coffee?
Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot. [tap runs brown] Since no one fixed my sink yet, today instead of coffee, we're having pipe sludge.
Red: You know the doctor told me not to do household chores. It's either a working sink or a dead husband. It's your choice.
Kitty: Well, Red, somebody's gotta do something around here. The garage needs to be painted, the lawnmower won't start, and I'm getting tired of running to the hose every time I need a bourbon and water.
Red: Fine, fine, we'll let Eric do it. Maybe if I supervise him, he'll only screw up half as much.
Eric: Yeah, thanks, Dad. You know what? I got it.
Red: [chuckles] Yeah. This from the kid who gets sweaty when he has to change out the toilet paper.

Kelso: Officer Kennedy? I want you to know that even though it's my first ride-along, I'm not afraid to kill a man. I just don't wanna touch him after he's dead.
Officer Kennedy: Shut it, Cadet. Here, take care of the radio.
Kelso: Cool. We each get our own walkie-talkies? I'd like a pepperoni pizza. Address, Hauling Ass Down Central.
Officer Kennedy: Hey. Hey, if you wanna play games, go join the highway patrol.
Man: [over radio] Unit 10, we've got a 415 in progress.
Kelso: Cool. What's a 415?
Officer Kennedy: Why don't you look in your manual?
Kelso: "A canine defecating on private property." Oh, cool! It's a dog crapping on a lawn! Gun it!
Officer Kennedy: A 415 is a domestic disturbance, you chowder head.
Kelso: Oh. Damn, I always wanted to put a dog in handcuffs.

Officer Kennedy: Now, what seems to be the problem here?
Fez: I'll tell you what the problem is. I am married to a whore.
Laurie: I am not a whore! I'm just a girl who likes a good time.

Officer Kennedy: Okay. Well, this kid seems to be harmless, but since you're training, why don't you frisk him anyway? [Kelso frisks Fez]
Fez: Oh, sure, frisk the foreign guy. The color of my skin is not a crime!
Kelso: [frog ribbits] Why do you have a frog in your pocket?
Fez: It's a surprise for the ladies.
Kelso: Oh, he peed on me! That's resisting arrest.
Fez: Well, then I'm about to resist arrest, too.

Kitty: The water's off. Why is the water off?
Red: We gotta fix the pipes.
Kitty: But I have to use the bathroom.
Red: What?
Kitty: I have to use the bathroom!
Red: Well, go ahead. But you only get one flush, so make it count.
Kitty: Well, I guess I can hold it. I just hope I don't sneeze.

Jackie: Would you sit still?
Donna: Jackie, she's not a doll.
Jackie: Well, not a good one, anyway.
Colette: I don't want a makeover. You're supposed to be helping me with my homework.
Jackie: Homework is for ugly girls. Okay? Pretty girls get geeky boys to do their homework for them.
Donna: Jackie, you're supposed to do fun stuff, like go roller-skating, not teach her to prostitute herself for geometry notes.
Colette: She's cool. Why can't she be my Big Sister?
Jackie: See, Donna already has a little sister. Her name's Eric.

Colette: I want to go to the movies.
Jackie: Why? You're watching me live my life. It's better than any movie.

Hyde: Hey, did you show up in a cop car?
Kelso: Yeah. My training officer let me take the cruiser out for a spin.
Hyde: Mind if we check it out?
Kelso: Fine. Just don't touch anything. I'll be in the bathroom taking care of some police business. Or as the boys down at the station like to say, I'll be taking a 10-100.

Fez: This is so exciting. What should we do next? Plant some evidence? Bust some prostitutes? Plant some evidence in the bust of some prostitutes?

Eric: Okay, that's it. I can't fix it. I just... I can't do it.
Red: Oh, what's the problem now? Did the fuzzy dishtowel jump out and attack you?
Eric: I can't believe you said you failed with me.
Red: Oh, come on. That was a joke. You know, like, "A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar," or "I failed with you."
Eric: Do you really think that?
Red: No, not completely. I mean... Maybe you're not good at fixing stuff. But you stayed behind from school to help the family out. And that's admirable.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Some might say it's the greatest gift a son could give his father.
Red: No, the greatest gift a son could give his father is a Heisman Trophy.