Fez: Well! If it isn't Jackie. There's only one person I hate more than Jackie, and that is Fenton. And Fenton, there's only one person I hate more than you. Queen Elizabeth. Who does she think she is? Queen of England?

Fenton: Oh. It's you.
Fez: Fenton.
Fenton: During business hours you may address me by my official title, "Landlord." I'll also respond to "Lord Fenton." Ooh, or on Sundays, "The Good Lord." Yes.
Fez: Fenton, I am in no mood to talk to you.
Fenton: Oh, well, then just listen. I did a little shuffle-y-doo with the parking assignments. Your new space is Z.
Fez: Z? Z's the last spot. It's dangerous to walk from there at night. I'm a single man.
Fenton: Well, maybe you should put some effort into your appearance.
Fez: Maybe you should put some effort into minding your own business!
Fenton: Maybe you should shut up!
Fez: Maybe you should go to hell!
Fenton: I'll go to hell when you shut up! [both turn around]
Fez: Damn. I really should have turned in the direction of my door. Excuse me.
Fenton: Of course.

Jackie: Hey, Fezzie. How's the salon?
Fez: Horrible. An old lady and a Marine came in at the same time. I got confused. And, well, Mrs. Riley was not happy when I shaved her head.
Jackie: Yeah, I know. I had a tough day too. General Hospital is pre-empted by some stupid hostage crisis.
Fez: Did you drink my last grape soda?
Jackie: Yeah. I left the empty bottle in the fridge, so you'd know to buy more.
Fez: But I'd been looking forward to this grape soda all day. I even made up a song. [sings] I'm looking forward to that grape soda, yeah [talks] Jackie, I took you in when you had nowhere to go, but you've been a total mooch. You have no job, you pay no rent. You need to shape up or put out.
Jackie: Uh, Fez, it's shape up or ship out.
Fez: Then what the hell is in it for me?

Kitty: You know why they're fighting? Because they're packed into Steven's tiny room like sardines. And that's no way to be. Unless you are a sardine and then you've got bigger problems.
Red: I think I see where you're going with this, Kitty. You kick them out and I'll change the locks.
Kitty: No. They should move into Laurie's old room. It's just sitting there.
Red: Kitty, "It's just sitting there" is a reason to shoot a deer, not a reason to move two kids in next door.
Kitty: Oh, you're just upset because you don't want people seeing you in your big, green, fuzzy slippers.
Red: Those are my Green Bay Packers slippers. And they looked a lot sharper in the catalog.

Fez: Oh, yeah, Fenton? Well, if I could do that to myself, I wouldn't be standing here arguing with you! Wow. This place is spotless. I can see my reflection. Why, hello, Robert Redford.
Jackie: Well, Fez, I realized what you said was true. That I needed to help out. So I cleaned. I guess all the years of watching my maid scrub the floor really paid off.
Fez: Well, thank you, Jackie. You deserve a big night out. I'm taking you to The Muppet Movie.
Jackie: [chuckles] No thanks, Fez. I'm actually running the bath and I'm going to spend all night soaking in the tub.
Fez: Okay, well, then let's do that then.
Jackie: Alone.
Fez: Fine. But I'm still going to the movies. I think Miss Piggy and Kermit are finally going to do it.

Fenton: This is terrible. Your apartment is ruined. Water is still pouring into mine. I'm gonna have to walk around in a big, rubber suit. If it still fits!
Fez: Fenton, I know it looks bad, but according to the commercial, one roll of Bounty should take care of everything.
Fenton: You're going to pay for the carpet, the floor, and my damaged ceiling.
Fez: How am I supposed to find that kind of money?
Fenton: Well, you always seem to find money for those tacky, tight pants you wear.
Fez: You wish your pants were tight.
Fenton: You wish your pants were loose.
Fez: Toothpick-legs!
Fenton: Sausage-thighs!
Fez: Get out!

Fez: You. Pack your bags.
Jackie: Fez, that's a great idea! Let's go to Bermuda while this place dries out.
Fez: You pushed it too far. I want you out.
Jackie: Wait, what? Fez, where am I supposed to go?
Fez: Oh, how about this? Why don't you go down to I-Don't-Care Street, make a left on Get-Out-Of-My-Life Boulevard, and take the express bus to downtown Suck-It?

Kitty: Okay, well, Steven and Samantha are moving back downstairs because they're not gonna stop fighting. And you know why? [laughs]
Red: Yes, unfortunately, I do. What kind of a person has to argue in order to... You know.
Kitty: Well, what's wrong with it if it spices up their lovemaking?
Red: Jeez, Kitty, is that what we're doing? We're just saying it now?
Kitty: Well, you never want to talk about anything.
Red: And you always do. I can't get any peace unless I leave the room. And even then, I have to run the lawnmower in the garage in order to not hear your constant yammering.
Kitty: Red Forman!
Red: Ah, speechless, huh? Well, it's about damn time. I thought we were trying this...
Kitty: Oh!

Jackie: Come on, what do you say? Can I still be your roommate?
Fez: Fine. But if she's staying, I want a better parking space.
Fenton: You can have S.
Fez: A!
Fenton: S!
Fez: B!
Fenton: S!
Fez: C!
Fenton: Why don't you park on the roof and pay me $3,000?
Fez: Is S still available?

Jackie: What is going on with you and your stripper wife? You guys are fighting like cats and whores.
Hyde: Yep. The honeymoon is over. You know, once the thrill of being married to a stripper is gone, you're just left with a wife who's always got change for a five.