Fez: Okay, just to make it clear, if you're buying me a gift, I want candy. For my birthday, Christmas, daylight savings... Candy. Candy!

Eric: Hey, Mom, look, I know you're worried about money, with Dad not being able to work, but I want you to know I'm gonna get right back out there and get a better job, a high-paying job.
Red: Oh, sure, just go down to the Bureau of High-Paying Jobs. You can't miss it. It's right next to the Pie-in-the-Sky Office. Jackass.

Eric: Hey, Hyde, where's table seven's fish?
Kelso: Oh, I got that for you, Eric. Here is your filet of sole. [reveals a shoe on a plate] Burn!

Kelso: Bob, what are you doing here, anyway?
Bob: Oh, it's just something I'm trying out.
Jackie: How's it going?
Bob: It's a little uncomfortable. I thought it would be better than sitting home alone. It's not.

Kitty: Oh, it's a present. Oh, it's a wedding present from Aunt Martha.
Red: You told her about the marriage? We agreed never to speak of this evil to anyone.
Kitty: Well, I had to tell a few people, because I never thought I'd be able to say, "Laurie got married" without adding, "And the baby came early."

Donna: Nice going, ackass-jay.
Eric: Ackass-jay? Oh! Jackass.
Kitty: Well, honey, I don't think you're a jackass. I think you're a jack-angel.

Eric: Well, the job search is going great. I think I have a sh*t at washing an old man's back on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Hyde: They were looking for a waiter down at the restaurant.
Kelso: Whoa. Why'd you tell him? I'm up for that job.
Hyde: That's why I told him.
Kelso: No, no, no. Look, Eric, I need this job way more than you do. You don't have a baby on the way.
Eric: But I do have a family to support. And if I don't keep the booze flowing, they're gonna get violent.
Kelso: Well, look, the only way Brooke is gonna let me be a part of my kid's life is if I prove to her that I'm responsible, and a promotion at the restaurant would impress her. I mean, busboy's a job, but waiter is a career.
Eric: Okay, well, then you know what? We'll just both go down there, apply, and may the best man win.
Kelso: No, I want it.

Fez: Laurie! Well, look what the whore dragged in. Herself. Need I remind you that you are married?
Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
Fez: What is your problem?
Red: Are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. I thought this marriage was over.
Kitty: Laurie, I gave you $50 last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red: Tomorrow, we're going to the courthouse.
Fez: Hmm. The courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone.
Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you.
Fez: Bitch.

Donna: Oh, my poor dad. Wish there was something I could do to make him feel better.
Jackie: Well, once when I was sad about Michael cheating on me, I got flowers from a secret admirer, and they cheered me right up. I mean, sure, I sent them to myself, but it's the thought that counts.
Kelso: Those flowers were from you? You let me go on and on about how they were from me. God, try a little honesty.
Donna: Wait. That's actually not a bad idea. If my dad thought somebody else liked him, he wouldn't be so bummed about Joanne. But men don't really like flowers, do they?
Kelso: No, they remind us of bees.
Bob: Oh, I'll send him fudge. He loves fudge. I know because one time, he got some, and I asked if I could have a piece, and he quickly changed the subject.
Jackie: Well, let me tell them what to write on the card. I'm good at that. When I sent myself those flowers and read how much I loved me, I felt so much better.

Eric: I'm here to apply for the waiter position.
Kelso: Roy, that's the guy I was telling you about.
Eric: Oh.
Roy: Well, I don't think we can hire a waiter who's got a disease that spreads through food.
Kelso: Roy, he really doesn't like to talk about his death-a-food-a-spread-itis.
Hyde: Death-a-food-a-spreada what? Who are you, Elmer Fudd?
Kelso: All right, fine. He doesn't have a disease.