Red: No, he's not his brother. He's not even Brad.
Mary: But he looks just like him.
Red: That's the point. You know, I don't understand why you watch if you're not gonna pay attention.

Kitty: I'm sorry about Red. He's just... He's been a tiny bit cranky since he lost his job.
Dr. Browning: Kitty, it's fine. I know, everything's fine.
Kitty: He just, um, he sits around and he mopes all day. He once told me that if he ever started watching soaps, I should shoot him. And I gotta tell you, I am gosh-darned tempted. [laughs]
Dr. Browning: Well, you know, when my wife is upset, I do something extra special for her, like surprise her with some candy. Does Red have a sweet tooth?
Kitty: Um, no. No, um, more of a beer tooth.

Eric: Wow, look at the stars.
Donna: Yeah. Your sister's kind of a slut.
Eric: I noticed that.
Donna: How is it that she turned out so awful and you turned out so nice?
Eric: Oh, well... You see... OK, Donna, there's something you should know.
Donna: Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
Eric: [laughs] It's nice to laugh, isn't it? 'Cause I kind of knew about Kelso and Laurie all along and didn't tell you.
Donna: Excuse me?
Eric: Which was wrong. But now I'm being honest, which is right... right?
Donna: Get out of this bag.
Eric: No, wait, Donna, just...
Donna: Fine, I'll get out.
Eric: Oh, this is the worst Vanstock ever.

Kitty: OK, I'm back. So... penny for your thoughts.
Red: Well... one thing I'm thinking, I gotta stop watching the soaps.
Kitty: Well, I think that is a good idea. So, listen, um, I brought you home a special little treat. Oh... Ahh...
Red: Hey... that's a nice beer.
Kitty: Yes, it is.
Red: What's the occasion?
Kitty: It's, um... to celebrate your new job.
Red: But, Kitty, I didn't get a job.
Kitty: Not yet, but I know you will.
Red: Thanks, sweetie. [opens beers] Ah. Tell you one thing... I bet I get a job before Jeff gets out of that coma.

Kelso: Hey, Jackie... Laurie... Fez.
Fez: Good evening, Michael.
Kelso: Well, aren't we all cozy? Hm. So, where am I gonna sleep?
Laurie: Uh, gee, Kelso, I don't think there's any room.
Kelso: But it's my van.
Jackie: I can sleep with you anytime. Tonight, I'm really enjoying girl talk with Laurie.
Kelso: Then why does he get to stay?
Fez: Well, I'm not a girl, but I do enjoy the girl talk.
Kelso: Get out of the van, Fez!
Jackie: No, be nice to Fez. Go away, Michael. Shut the door.
Kelso: Aah!

Donna: Hey, move over.
Eric: You're not mad at me anymore?
Donna: Nope.
Eric: So... what are you thinking?
Donna: That Kelso's an idiot, and if I say anything to Jackie, it'll hurt her.
Eric: Yes, exactly.
Donna: And you know what else? You're, like, a really great boyfriend.
Eric: All right! [they kiss]