Eric: Hey, Dad, can I go to Vanstock with the guys this weekend?
Red: What the hell's a Vanstock?
Eric: Well, it's like Woodstock, but with a greater emphasis on vans.
Red: Sounds stupid. Have a good time.

Kitty: Red, what are you gonna do today?
Red: Read the want ads, look for a job. Then, just to break up the day, I thought I'd go down to Rexall, look for some Gold Bond for my athlete's foot. Any more questions?
Kitty: Well, oh, boy, Red, we've got the big hospital banquet to look forward to.
Red: Oh, right. Well then, screw the Gold Bond, I gotta get my hair done.

Kitty: [to Red] Well, honey, I don't think it's gonna be that bad. And... if it is, I can always give you a shot of Demerol. [laughs]
Hyde: You have Demerol? I mean, what's... what's Demerol?

Eric: How could you ask Laurie?
Kelso: Well, Jackie didn't want to go. What choice did I have?
Eric: Oh, man.
Kelso: See, now you see my problem. Since Laurie's going, I'm gonna have to make out with her. And if Donna goes, she's gonna see me making out with Laurie and then tell Jackie, therefore, Donna can't go.
Eric: Or... you could just not make out with my sister.
Kelso: Be serious, Eric.
Eric: OK, look. Donna's coming, and if that blows your weekend, then... too bad.
Kelso: Fine. But you know what? You're making cheating a lot harder than it has to be.

Midge: Kitty and I used to watch the soaps all the time. So now, it's like you're Kitty.
Red: Don't you have a TV at home?
Midge: It's too big. I have to turn my head to see who's talking. It hurts my neck. Ooh, shh, shh. It's starting. OK, that's Heather. She's carrying Jeff's baby, only Jeff is in intensive care. He's got a bullet in his brain.
Red: Isn't he the lucky bastard.

Eric: Donna, check it out. I've been working on this all morning, and I'm really proud. I zipped our two sleeping bags together to make one.

Jackie: Hey, guys. I decided to go. I thought it'd be fun to surprise Michael.
Hyde: That would be fun.
Donna: Um, Jackie, look, before you surprise Kelso, there's something going on that you should know.
Jackie: What?
Donna: ... You know, Vanstock is gonna be really boring, and it's gonna be muddy, and there's a good chance there'll be some Canadians there.
Jackie: Eew!
Hyde: No, no, Jackie, you should go. You can't let the Canadians win.
Jackie: Fez, put my stuff in the back.

Man: [on TV] Brad, how could you sleep with my wife? You're my brother.
Man: [on TV] I'm not your brother. And I'm not Brad.
Red: Holy cow. I didn't see that coming.
Midge: Wait till Rachel finds out.
Red: But Rachel's about to dump Brad for Jeff.
Midge: No! Jeff's in a coma.
Red: Oh, come one, Midge. She can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kind of love is that?

Fez: Look at this. Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman.
Eric: Fez, you should really stop going through other people's stuff. It's kind of creepy.

Hyde: So, you kids having fun? Nothing like a road trip to get to know each other.
Kelso: Yeah. Right.
Hyde: Like Jackie and Laurie. They don't really know each other, and yet, they have so much in common.
Jackie: Like what?
Hyde: Oh, well, you both have really neat hair.
Jackie: He's right. I love your hair. What do you use?
Laurie: Hot rollers.
Jackie: So do I! I hate styling wands.
Laurie: So do I!
Hyde: See? You two keep talking. There may be plenty of other things that you have in common.