TV Quotes

Kitty: Red, do you need anything from the supermarket?
Red: Yeah. Graham Crackers that don't taste like cardboard. I fought in two wars. I deserve name-brand cookies.
Kitty: Well, those are name-brand. Look at the box, there's the Kubler Dwarves.

Kelso: Stay away from my girlfriend!
Jackie: Michael, what are you doing?
Kelso: Well, I can be at the mall now, 'cause I got business. Train business.
Jackie: You have lost your mind!
Kelso: Yep, and I don't miss it!
Jackie: Michael, look at you, riding around on a kiddie train so you can spy on me. I mean, do you not see how crazy this is?
Kelso: Well, yeah. But I- I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Well, I can eat. And then when I eat, I get kind of sleepy. But I am really upset.
Jackie: Look, if we're ever gonna get past this, you have to forget about that stupid little kiss and just try- try to remember that we love each other.
Kelso: I know.
Jackie: So can we please, please just finally move on?
Kelso: I wanna say yes, but it's like we're on this track and we keep going around in circles like some kind of... some kind of... I don't know. I lost my train of thought.

Jackie: So the cops caught you doing it? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. That is such a turn on!
Donna: That is not a turn on. You're a little pervert. Jackie, I have a big problem. How am I gonna tell my parents?
Jackie: Okay, if you need to use the bathroom, you should go now. Cause I have a lot to say.
Donna: No, I'm fine, thanks.
Jackie: Okay. You're first mistake was wearing pants for car-sex. When you do it in the car, skirts are your best friend! Zip-zap, bim-bam, you're done, you're dressed, you're back at the mall!
Donna: Jackie, I'm screwed. If I tell my parents, only one of two things could happen. Either they'll be furious, or they'll ask me how it was.

[In Eric's P.O.V., the wallpaper is spinning behind Red with the wall decorations fixed in place]
Red: Listen, I know you need gas money for Saturday night. If you're willing to do a few extra chores, I'll pay you $10.
Eric: Sure. I can do that.
Red: Now I need you to sweep the garage clean the leaves out of the gutters, get the dry cleaning and fix that shelf in the pantry. Now run that back to me.
Eric: Okay, fix the shelf, sweep the garage, pick up the leaves...
Red: Pick up the dry cleaning.
Eric: Yeah.
Red: The gutters?
Eric: Fix the gutters.
Red: Clean. Clean the gutters.
Eric: Clean out the gutters, fix the shelf, sweep the leaves.
Red: The garage.
Eric: Fix the garage.
Red: Sweep it. Listen, I'm not gonna pay you $10 for nothing.
Eric: Sweep the garage, pick up the cleaning, clean up the gutters, fix the shelf.
Red: Do that, and you got yourself gas money.
Eric: Didn't you say something about leaves?
Red: They're in the gutters.
Eric: Right. Pick them up. Clean them up. I've gotta make toast.

Kitty: You know, I don't know why they call it fondue. They should call it fundue. 'Cause it is fun. [laughs]
Midge: I love fondue. It's gourmet.
Red: So, what do we do here, Kitty?
Kitty: Okay, now. What you do is you put a piece of steak on your fondue fork.
Bob: Now, how hot exactly is the-
Kitty: No, no, no, Bob. That's a fondon't. [laughs] Don't put your hand in the hot oil.
Red: Who knew you couldn't put your hand in the hot oil?

Red: Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do. Like right now, I don't wanna be here talking to you but I am. And you don't wanna go to a party but you will.
Hyde: Actually, I won't.
Red: [mock sympathy] What's the matter? You don't like parties? Me neither. But as long as you're living under my roof, you'll do what I tell you to do.
Hyde: Well, lucky for me, I won't be under your roof much longer anyway.
Red: What the hell you talking about?
Hyde: Well, I'm 18. I should be getting out of here, right? I mean, that's what my dad did and my uncle did and my cousins did. They were all on their own when they were my age.
Red: What are they doing now?
Hyde: Uh, pumping gas, prison, prison, dead, prison.
Red: And the reason you're living here is so you don't end up like them. But if you want to leave, I can't stop you. So, what's it gonna be, Steven? Prison, death or a birthday party?
Hyde: I guess I'll go to the party. [clears throat] Thanks, Red.
Red: You're welcome. And, uh... don't tell Eric that we had this little conversation. 'Cause when he's 18, he's out.

Hyde: How about the fact that Brooke's got your feeble-minded bun in her oven.
Kelso: Look, she can't be pregnant, okay? It just can't be true.
Jackie: Michael, this is not something girls lie about, okay? I would know. I'm an expert on girl lies.
Donna: Kelso, you're gonna have to do something about this.
Kelso: No, but doing something is not in my nature. "Ignore," "avoid," "run away"... These words have been very good to me.
Donna: You're horrible.
Jackie: What a pig.
Kelso: You know what? You girls don't even know what I'm going through here. You can have all the sex you want, you don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.

Fez: Miss Kitty?
Kitty: Oh, hi, Fez. I'd get up, but my back's still sore from that knife you stuck in it.
Red: Listen, Tutankhamun, you need to fix this. My wife has been sitting there calm and quiet all day. I disarmed landmines in Korea. But I have never been this nervous that something's about to explode.