Laurie: What?
Kitty: Nothing. Nothing. We're just- We're just a little surprised that you're home, that's all.
Laurie: It's no big deal. I just didn't feel like going away for spring break.
Kitty: Honey, is there a warrant out for you in Fort Lauderdale?

Red: I'm sure she's just home to spend time with us and Eric. Why are you home?
Laurie: Daddy, it was just a very, very tough quarter.
Red: Well, I'm sure you'll come through with flying colors.
Kitty: Yeah. [laughs]
Laurie: Yeah. You know, the whole concept of grades is so subjective. It's really the experience of college that's important.
Red: No, it's not.

Eric: Sorry I was late. We were at The Hub. Then I had to drive everyone home, then Kelso says...
Red: Blah, blah. You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.
Kelso: That's real easy for you to say, pal! [exits]
Red: That kid's on dope.

Bob: Oh, don't want to miss Sanford and Son.

Bob: [laughs] Sanford thinks he's having a heart attack. It looks like the big one. Come watch.

Kelso: So, I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna do the right thing. I'm gonna be responsible. I mean, I have to. I'm going to be a father.
Hyde: Yeah, and on the plus side you walk into a liquor store carrying a baby, man... they'll sell you beer.
Kelso: Yeah, and I like kids. I still have some of my LEGOs. It's gonna be great.

Kelso: I mean, this is scary, man. I might have to get married.
Hyde: Not just married. Married to Jackie. That's freaking terrifying.
Kelso: Okay, I am never having sex again.
Eric: Yeah, good one.
Kelso: No, I'm- I'm serious, man. It's just not worth it. Just wait, Eric. This could so easily happen to you.
Eric: I don't think so. I'd probably have to have sex first.
Kelso: It's just not fair.
Eric: You're telling me. I want to have sex.

Eric: Gee, Laurie, I sure have noticed you hanging around the mailbox a lot.
Laurie: I don't know what you're talking about.
Eric: What could be so important that you'd give up a week of whoring around Fort Lauderdale? Oh, I know. It's your grades, right? You're flunking out. Bingo! Forman scores! Right?
Laurie: Okay, Eric. You know what? Dad likes me and he doesn't like you.

Bob: Midge! Midge?
[fantasy: a '50s-style, black-and-white public education video:]
Narrator: [v.o.] Meet Bob. He's a typical American who works hard loves his family and has never cheated on his tax return. Life is good but lately, he's noticed some slight changes in his daughter Donna. "Hi, honey. How was school today?" "Great, Dad. I got an A on a test and tonight I'm having cocktails with the principal. Will you excuse us, Dad? "We have to study." Bob realizes his daughter is growing up. Now that Donna's on the pill she's what medical professionals call: Open for business. Come on, Bob. I want to show you something. You see, Bob, the pill means Donna can have lots of sex with many different partners. Not just Eric. "Hi, Mr. Pinciotti. Boy, is your daughter something!" So. Do you get it, Bob? She's open for business. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm next.

[dinner table - filmed in a circle:]
Kitty: Eric, you're not eating. Are you sick?
Laurie: Yeah, Eric, you seem upset. Did something happen at the pharmacy?
Red: What happened at the pharmacy?
Eric: Nothing. Shut up.
Red: Eric, be nice to your sister.
Eric: Kitty, what happened to the mail?
Laurie: I checked the mail, Dad. Nothing. No mail.
Kitty: You know, the mail keeps disappearing. I think we have a little mail thief. [laughs]
Eric: Speaking of. Laurie, I could've sworn I saw a University of Wisconsin envelope sticking out of your bra. What's that all about?
Red: What?
Laurie: Donna's on the pill. [Kitty chokes on her drink]
Red: What did you do?
Eric: Nothing. Nothing.
Red: Dinner's over! You. Kitchen. Now.