Laurie: Don't sweat it, Eric. You can only be as smart as God made you. Or didn't.
Eric: All right, Laurie, didn't you just flunk out of college?
Laurie: Get bent, twerp.
Eric: Wear a bra!
Hyde: Can we please not fight?
Laurie: [mockingly] "Can we please not fight?"
Eric: Can you please not suck?
Laurie: Good one, Eric.
Red: All right, everybody shut up. Now, we're gonna have a nice dinner. Eric, you try to be more like Steven.

Eric: Where's Hyde?
Laurie: Mom and Dad are giving him a bath.
Eric: [laughs] No, really.
Laurie: I don't know, who cares. Shut up. I'm watching TV. I hate you.
Eric: You're just jealous, right? Because you're not number one anymore.
Laurie: Well, if I'm not number one, guess who's number three?
[fantasy: a black-and-white '50s-style educational video:]
Announcer: [v.o.] So your parents have brought a new bundle of joy into your home. And you might feel like your parents don't love you anymore. But that's not true. They simply love you less. You see, your parents only have so much love to go around. Here's how your parents'love was distributed before the new arrival. And here it is after. But what can you do about it? Well, you could run away. As if they'd come and look for you. Say, here's something you can do. Think of all the good times you've had with your family. Because they're all over now. [laughs]

Eric: Hyde, Red and Kitty aren't even here. I mean, you're kissing phantom butt.
Hyde: You know what, Forman? I used to think Red was a real hard-ass. But after doing your chores for the last five days, I've come to the conclusion that you're just a lazy, spoiled brat.
Fez: Ooh. Hazel never talked like that.
Eric: Hey. Hey, that's not fair. You've been doing them for five days. Try 16 years, man.
Hyde: You know, I guess I'm just grateful.
Eric: Well, stop it. You're making me look bad.
Kelso: Plus you've become, like, a total drag to hang out with.
Eric: What ever happened to the psychotic troublemaker we all know and love? Look, put down the dishes and start doing something stupid and senseless right now.
Hyde: Forman, I'm a guest here.
Eric: Wh- We- Then fine. I guess I will have to do something stupid.
Kelso: [falls off chair] I know something stupid we can do. You got a bowling ball?
Eric: What?

Donna: And they're arguing and arguing and arguing.
Jackie: Okay, no offense, Donna, but all this talk about your mom and dad fighting... Well, it's boring me.
Donna: Really? Well, talking about your hair was fascinating.

Fez: [o.s.] Hold it by the thumbhole.
Jackie: Okay, what are those idiots doing?
Donna: Something idiotic. Let's go find out.

Kelso: Don't be such a baby. We just want to see how high it'll bounce. Nothing bad can happen.
Hyde: Okay. Forman, man, think. You are listening to Kelso. Don't do it.
Eric: Wait, wait, wait. Now you're telling me what to do?
Fez: Enough talk. Do it.
[After Eric drops a bowling ball while standing on top of the couch, it bounces off the floor and smashes the TV]
Kelso: Oh. See, I never even thought of that. Later. [exits]
Fez: Thank you. [exits]
Jackie: See you. [exits]
Donna: Bye. [exits]
Hyde: Ah, maybe they won't notice. [exits]

Red: Kitty, what's wrong with you?
Joy: Oh, Red, look whose keys I've got.
Kitty: Oh, dear Lord.
Bull: You lucky bastard. Bite her earlobes, she loves that.
Red: What the hell are you talking about?
Bull: Red, you do know that this is a wife-swapping party, right?
Red: What? Are you telling me you want to sleep with my wife?
Bull: No. I'll take a run at any one of these ladies.
Red: What the hell's wrong with my wife?
Bull: Nothing, Red, it's just done random so that it's fair. That's all.
Red: Jeez. Bull, I thought I knew you.
Bull: You do. I'm the same guy who's got shrapnel in my-
Red: No, no. Good night.

Eric: Well, it took a really weird hop.
Red: Why would you drop a bowling ball on the couch? What good could come of it?
Eric: Well, okay. Hindsight being-
Red: Eric. I don't want to hear any more of your dumbass excuses. This is the most irresponsible, idiotic thing you have ever done.
Hyde: Actually, Red, I did it.
Red: You?
Eric: No, no, Dad, Hyde's just covering for me. I did it.
Hyde: Forman, stop. Red, it was me.
Eric: No. It was me.
Red: Well, guess what? I don't care! You're both idiots. And if you have to get a job digging ditches, you are gonna buy me a new TV. Now get out of my sight.

Red: I could've had a Corvette!
Kitty: Oh, Red.
Red: No, Kitty, damn it, I'm pissed. I mean, Bull's a freako pervert and he gets everything he wants. I work hard, I raise a family, and what do I get? A bowling ball in my TV.
Kitty: You know what I've got? Your keys. [they kiss]