Kelso: Well, heard about your secret couples party. And I'm glad I'm not going, 'cause I hate parties.
Eric: Hey, man, I'm only going 'cause Donna's makin' me. At this rate, the only way I'll see Laser Floyd is if they project it on a leaf canopy at the arboretum.
Hyde: So, don't go to the party. Act tough, Forman.
Eric: I'm not tough.
Hyde: That's why I said "act."

Kitty: Okay, now. These are called after-dinner conversation cards. Let's try one. [laughs] "If you were a bird, where would you fly?" Donna?
Donna: Um, south? I don't know, I'm nervous. I feel like I'm on Jeopardy!.
Eric: If I were a bird, I'd fly to Laser Floyd.
Kelso: I'd fly to Tahiti, 'cause the girls there don't wear tops! Wait, but then I'd want to change back to myself because no lady wants to make it with a bird. Wait, can I be a monkey?
Kitty: Okay. Nina.
Nina: I'd fly to my favorite place, the D.M.V..
Fez: I was just going to say that.
Kitty: Red, we haven't heard a peep out of you.
Red: If I was a bird, I'd fly into a ceiling fan.

Red: Since you two work at the D.M.V., how about you make this parking ticket disappear?
Nina: We can't fix this. You parked in a fire lane.
Fez: Oh, Nina, please. [laughs] We're his guests. I will take care of it, little buddy.
Nina: No, Fez, he broke the law.
Red: Broke the law? I was just getting some milk.
Nina: What if there was a fire?
Red: Then I'd pour my milk on it.

Red: [to Eric] At least he's putting up a fight. You just gave up. Like France.
Fez: Oh, get off his back, little buddy. You were at the party too.
Red: Hey, I fought the good fight for 30 years. Now I just agree with what Kitty wants to do, so I can go to sleep. And I'm not your "little buddy."

Kelso: Yeah, you're all doomed. That's funny.
Eric: No, we're not all doomed. One man here still has a chance. One man can take a stand for all of us. And that man's name is... Well, we can't pronounce his real name, so we call him Fez!
Fez: I don't want to take a stand, I just want Nina to be my girlfriend and give me nooky.
Eric: Fez, come on. Give it a try. It'll be like Battle of the Network Stars. Think about it.
[fantasy:]
Kelso: Welcome back to the Battle of the Gender Stars, where it's the gals with 50 points. [girls cheer] And the guys with zero. But the guys still have a chance, 'cause our final event is conveniently worth 51 points.
Jamie Farr: You guys are pathetic.
Hyde: Wow, that's some tough talk, Jamie Farr.
Jamie Farr: I'm switching to the gals' team. I can do that, because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
Kelso: Okay, now let's meet our contestants. Representing the gals: the lovely Nina. And representing the guys: the lovely Fez. Fighters, go! [all clamoring]
Red: Make that tart eat some mud.
Nina: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're going antiquing all weekend.
Fez: Oh, like hell we are. [knocks Nina into the mud]
[reality:]
Fez: I hate antiquing. Let's do this thing.

Jackie: Hey, Steven, look. Remember how you said that I was bossy? Well, I think you were right. So, from now on, if I want you to do something, I'll ask first.
Hyde: Well, I just-
Jackie: Shh, I'm talking! [gasps] I am so sorry. There I go again. Okay, here's what I wanted to say: Would you like to go with me to the Girl Scout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?
Hyde: Jackie, I'd rather put on a dress and slow dance with Kelso on Soul Train. But since you asked nicely, I'll go.
Jackie: Yay. Oh, uh, Steven, don't forget to bring a spatula because I signed you up as a flipper.
Hyde: Hey, the flipper better be the guy who judges the Alumni Bikini Contest! It's not.

Donna: I don't know what's wrong with you. If it's genetic, or if you took a pill from your mother's cabinet. But I'm through doing stuff for you, because you don't appreciate it.
Eric: Whoa, whoa, wait. You're doing stuff for me?
Donna: Yeah! I went to that dinner party to make your mother happy and I went to the arboretum because you wanted to.
Eric: I wanted to? All I said was, "Look, the arboretum."
Donna: Wh- It sounded like you wanted to go. I hate trees! I mean, "Ooh, show me trees!" Does that sound like me?
Eric: No. Look, I'm sorry. [sighs] I just- I thought you were gonna make me do girlie crap for the rest of my life.
Donna: Eric, come on. You know me way better than that.
Eric: Yeah, you're right. So, would you like to go see Laser Floyd next weekend?
Donna: Oh, we can't. I signed us up for this class: "Quilting for Couples." [laughs] I'm kidding! [Eric gasps] It's just for men.

Donna: You guys should have come to the arboretum with us. We saw plants and trees from all over the world.
Eric: There was a bush from Morocco. It smelled like chocolate chip cookies.
Fez: Ah, that is the perfect bush.
Donna: Thanks for taking me to the arboretum. It was fun.
Eric: Yeah, what a great day. [Donna exits] What a horrible day! I don't mind looking at some trees, okay? When they put little signs on them, with little Latin names... It makes me want to harm myself.

Jackie: So, Steven, you know, I was thinking of getting you a pair of beige corduroys and maybe a blue blazer for the party.
Hyde: Oh, don't forget the matching scarf and gloves. This way, I'll be nice and toasty when hell freezes over.
Eric: Uh-oh, Jackie. Looks like Steven doesn't wanna wear his big-boy clothes.
Hyde: No, I just don't wanna go. You know, you should have asked me before you said I would.
Jackie: Steven! I am your girlfriend. I speak for you now!
Hyde: Well, then, tell yourself I said to bite me, 'cause I'm not going.
Jackie: Oh, you are so going! So just bite yourself!

Hyde: Man, do you believe that crap?
Eric: Tell me about it. Donna wants to go to a dinner party, we go to a dinner party. If she wants to go to the arboretum, bang, I'm in a room full of trees. God, I hate trees. So tall and arrogant.
Hyde: So why don't you just not go?
Eric: Oh, it's just one day.
Hyde: Not for you, man. You're engaged. It's Latin for "screwed for life."
Eric: Oh, my God, you're right. And I have no choice. I have to do what she says or she won't let me touch her naughty places. Hyde, this is extortion!
Hyde: You're telling me? I'm being shaken down by a 95-pound brunette with pink toenails.