Jackie: Steven, why can't you just say that Brooke's not hot? It's common relationship courtesy. If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?
Hyde: By the way, that's already starting. [Jackie storms out]
Red: You've never been in a relationship, have you, son?
Hyde: What, when she asked if Brooke was hot, I should have lied and said, "No"?
Red: Being honest and screwing yourself is clearly the better plan.
Kitty: Sweetie, white lies help relationships. Like, "Kitty, even though your pot roast was overdone, "I still loved it."
Red: Oh, for the love of God, I did love it. You're a pot roast genius, okay? It was like eating gold.
Hyde: So, you're saying lying is good?
Kitty: Exactly. Now go do the right thing, and lie to the woman you love.
Hyde: Red, this is crazy, right?
Red: Yeah, they're all nuts. [to Kitty] Except you, sweetheart.

Fez: Look at all the smart, lonely girls. Little ones, big ones. It's like a virgin pumpkin patch.

Brooke: Look, I know why you're here and I'm sorry, you're not my type. I was high school valedictorian and you're the antithesis of that.
Kelso: The anti-who of what?
Brooke: Exactly.
Kelso: Okay. No, come on. Don't be like that, okay? Look, I really like you, and I just thought that maybe we could go out some time, like, for coffee. And then, if that went good, then we could go to a movie. And then, when we really start to trust each other, you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Brooke: Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts. I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of.
Kelso: Okay, I have heard of Dewey Decimal. It's Donald Duck's nephew.

Kelso: You know what? For the first time in my life, I hope that there's not a secret hot girls club, because if there is, I bet Brooke said awful things about me at their last meeting.
[fantasy:]
Jackie: [bangs gavel] Order, bitches. The secret hot girls club is now in session.
Donna: Now, last meeting we all decided to go braless, and I just wanna report that Operation Bazooma Bounce is driving the boys insane.
Jackie: Ah! [girls cheer]
Brooke: Hi, my name is Brooke and I've been a hot girl for 6 years.
All: Hi, Brooke.
Brooke: And I just wanna let everyone know that Michael Kelso asked me out, and I resisted his charms and turned him down. [Jackie gasps]
Donna: But he's irresistible.
Brooke: That's what I thought, but it's a lie. A lie, I tell you. [Donna gasps]
Jackie: Then it's official. No secret hot girl will ever date Michael Kelso ever again. Yay. [all cheer] Okay, that's great, that's great. Now this calls for dancing bubble kiss time.
[reality:]
Donna: Kelso, there is no secret hot girls club.
Kelso: Well, of course, the president won't admit it.
Eric: You know, I don't care if there's a club or not, dancing bubble kiss time is just a fabulous idea.

Kelso: Well, all I know is that Brooke and I had a romantic night together at the concert. Why is she pretending like it didn't happen?
Donna: Well, maybe she's embarrassed. I mean, she's used to dating really brainy guys.
Hyde: Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire.
Kelso: On a dare. And I won a dollar.

Jackie: What is wrong with Steven? I mean, why won't he just say Brooke's not hot?
Kitty: Because he doesn't know how to lie. He's an orphan. He never had a mother to teach him how.
Jackie: I mean, how do I know he loves me if he doesn't obey me?
Kitty: Well, you've chosen a strong man, Jackie, and they don't always obey. Now, do I think he should have said that other girl wasn't pretty? Yes. But you have to pick your battles.
Jackie: Wait, no, I wanna be right all the time.
Kitty: And you will be. After a few years they just... They give up. [Red walks in] Okay, watch. [Red opens a beer] Red, could you go to the drug store and get me a Ladies' Home Journal?
Red: But I just... It's all frosty. Oh, crap!

Eric: Jackpot, my friend. Not only did I get Nancy Drew, but I also got Margot Kidder, Superman's Lois Lane, in an outfit that, let's just say, you don't need x-ray vision to appreciate.

Brooke: You wanna check something out?
Eric: No. Uh, is there someone else that can help me? Like a man.
Brooke: So, you wanna check out those Playboys, or not?
Eric: Okay, fine. I'm a man. I would like these Playboys.
Brooke: Well, you can't have them. I want you to get in your car, buy some flowers, give them to Donna, and thank God an actual live woman lets you touch her.
Eric: Yes, ma'am.

Jackie: Okay, Steven, I think I figured out a way to end this situation where everybody wins. Now, listen to this question carefully. Is there anyone you said was hot, like Brooke, who you really don't think is hot, like Brooke?
Hyde: Well, I could lie and say yes.
Jackie: Then do it. I don't care if you don't mean it. It's the words that count.
Hyde: Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.
Jackie: Fine. Then you know what? I don't know how to fix this.
Kitty: [singsongy] Pick your battles...
Jackie: Fine. Steven, I don't care if you think she's hot, because that's how you really feel.
Hyde: Thank you.
Jackie: Hey, Steven, will you go to the drug store and get me a Vogue magazine?
Hyde: But I just... It's gonna melt. Crap!

Fez: Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed. So I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.
Eric: Basically, you're back to where you started this morning.
Fez: Not really, I had some pie. I've done less in a day.