Donna: Hyde. That's not gonna happen. He's not into me like that and he knows I'm getting over a break-up.
Hyde: Come on, man. Don't you know how guys think?
Donna: Not really. The only guy I have ever been with was Eric, and as far as I know, a typical guy's thoughts are, "Who would win in a fight? Bigfoot or Chewbacca?"

Red: See, that's the thing about marriage. No one tells you about the three rings. There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Fez: Well, if it isn't Miss Mooch, my unemployed roommate. What would you like to mooch today? My cheese puffs? My Yoo-hoo? My Oil of Olay?
Jackie: Fez, I want to find work, but it's really hard. I spent all morning going to every store in the mall. And when I find the right outfit, I'm gonna look for a job.

Christine St. George: Fez, I look fantastic! You know, I always give credit where credit is due. So thank you, God, for my fantastic bone structure!
Fez: So, Christine, what's on the agenda for my favorite local talk show host? I mean besides looking Fez-tastic.
Christine St. George: Well, today I'm off to the zoo. It seems a baby elephant is being born. And I want to be the first thing it sees, so it knows there's beauty in this ugly world.
Fez: Well, for my money, nothing beats the time you rode along with cops and stopped the liquor store hold-up.
Christine St. George: Well, I got lucky then. The day before's show I learned to do the flamenco. And as it turns out, a high dance kick doubles beautifully for a knock-out blow to the face. Ciao, darling!
Fez: I love it when she says, "Ciao." It's like she's made up a whole new way to say goodbye.

Jackie: Was that Christine St. George? She's my idol! That's who I should be working for! [gasps] We could co-anchor What's Up Wisconsin together. Oh, I could just picture it!
[fantasy:]
Christine St. George: I'm Christine St. George.
Jackie: And I'm Jackie St. Jackie!
Christine St. George: And it's time to ask...
Both: What's Up Wisconsin?
Christine St. George: Coming up today, war, famine, disease. But first, our top story. Jackie St. Jackie is spectacular!
Jackie: And in sports today, I'm gorgeous!
Christine St. George: Oh, this just in. Jackie St. Jackie is the greatest girl ever!
Jackie: I am!
Christine St. George: I know!
[reality:]
Fez: Jackie St. Jackie? I got breaking news. You're freaking nuts!

Kitty: Oh, Jackie, you're watching Christine St. George. I just love her. [laughs] The other day she had a tiger cub on her show. It was just the sweetest thing you ever saw. Right up until it mauled the weather man.
Jackie: Yeah, but he probably deserved it. He looks like he smells like ham.
Kitty: Oh, but you know what? Christine handled it perfectly. She distracted the tiger with the food critic's lamb chop and then she made a tourniquet out of her microphone cord.
Jackie: I know, she's amazing! Oh, oh, she's back!
Christine St. George: [on TV] That sure is one big pumpkin, Tim. Coming up, a high school marching band that collectively has lost more than 400 pounds.
Jackie: You know what? I'm gonna write Christine a letter and ask her for a job.
Kitty: Oh, no, no, no, no, you have got to go talk to her in person. Trust me, there is nothing celebrities like more than people showing up in their offices.

Red: Steven, you have finally reached that point in your life where you're no longer a dumbass kid. You're a dumbass man.
Fez: Wow. Those dumbass teen years just flew by.
Red: And now that you're married, I'm gonna take you on a rite of passage to the Viking Lodge.
Hyde: Gosh, Red, I don't know what to say. I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, uh, no.

Red: Come on, Steven. You need a place where you can hang out and have a beer with other married men.
Fez: Boy, does that sound boring. Hanging out in a dingy room, drinking beer, doing nothing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the basement.

Jackie: Hi, this is Jackie St. Jackie, reporting live from Fresh Hair. Today's topic, ugly people running with scissors. Health hazard or community service? Oh, why, hello, Christine St. George.
Christine St. George: Why, hello, crazy girl talking into a hairbrush!
Fez: Jackie! Out! Out! Out! I apologize, Miss St. George. This is Jackie, my roommate. She wants to be your co-anchor on What's Up Wisconsin.
Christine St. George: Ah. Well, from what I've seen you do so far, Jackie, I'd say you have what it takes.
Jackie: Really?
Christine St. George: No. But you seem like a dear thing, so good luck to you. Adios!
Fez: Adios? How does she even come up with those?

Jackie: Christine St. George? Hi, Jackie Burkhart.
Christine St. George: Yes, the roving hairbrush reporter. How did you get past reception?
Jackie: Well, I really wanted to talk to you, so I asked Fez if I could deliver your hair products.
Christine St. George: Oh. Oh. Well, I'm glad you did. Because now that I see you standing in a television studio, I think you have a solid career ahead of you. As a delivery girl. Can I validate your parking?
Jackie: But Miss St. George, please. If you would just give me a chance. Look, I know I have what it takes to be on TV. I own three of them! I also know everything about you. What you like, what you don't like. What you wear.
Christine St. George: Dear, these are skills I could teach a monkey. And as a matter of fact, I did. Episode 427.
Jackie: Oh.
Christine St. George: But here's the good news. I like you. You've got spirit. No. Moxie, yes. Wait! No, it's gumption. Oh, there's a word for it and I can't think what it is. Oh, well. The point is, look, you have a job if you want it, as my assistant.
Jackie: Really? Yes. I'll take it!
Christine St. George: Okay.
Jackie: I have a job in television! Oh, wait, wait, do I get to say What's Up Wisconsin?
Christine St. George: You can answer the phone any way you like.