Bernice: Eric, where've you been hiding?
Eric: I've been doing some homework. That's important. Yeah. You know, actually, it's a really interesting-
Bernice: Eric, a little less talk and a little more rubbing. You're the only one who's not afraid of my bunion.
Eric: Oh, dear.
Fez: [enters] Good-bye, Eric, I am going home now.
Eric: No, wait, Fez, you haven't met Grandma.
Fez: Hello, Grandma. Oh... In my village, we worship feet. And these dogs are a holy treasure.
Bernice: You wanna rub them?
Fez: May I?
Eric: Knock yourself out.

[dinner scene filmed as a circle:]
Red: Honey, these cheesy potatoes are delicious. Mmm.
Kitty: Thank you, honey.
Donna: They really are great, Mrs. Forman.
Eric: We have them whenever Grandma comes over 'cause mom knows how much she loves them. Right, Grandma?
Bernice: They make me sick. I'm allergic to dairy.
Fez: Oh, how sad.
Red: Ma, this is Wisconsin. You're not allergic to dairy.
Kitty: Maybe she's just allergic to my dairy.
Donna: If you're allergic to dairy you shouldn't put cream in your coffee. I mean, cream is dairy.
Eric: Donna, just, no, okay?
Bernice: You shut up, Eric! Who the hell are you?
Eric: Grandma, that's Donna, you've known her for 16 years.
Bernice: I have not. Anyway, I like your new friend better.
Fez: The feeling is mutual.
Red: Done. I heard a noise in the garage. Raccoons. Bye.
Kitty: Well, um, I couldn't eat another bite. I've had enough.
Donna: I'm going back downstairs. Excuse me.
Eric: So, what say we watch Lawrence Welk, huh, Grandma?
Bernice: No, I'm going to watch Lawrence Welk with my new friend. You up for another foot rub, Desi?

Hyde: Kelso, Jackie does her homework on Saturday night. That's so hip.
Kelso: You guys don't have to worry about Jackie anymore 'cause I'm breaking up with her. [all groan]
Eric: We are so tired of hearing you say that.
Kelso: No. I am. I'm breaking up with her.
Hyde: Yeah, when?
Kelso: I'm picking my moment.

Eric: Hey, where's Fez?
Fez: Make that shot, whore.

Kitty: Who was that, dear?
Red: My mother. Seems like Uncle Paul broke his ankle and she's going to church with us today. [clears throat]
Kitty: No, she's not. It's Paul's turn to take her.
Red: Well, like I said, he broke his ankle.
Kitty: Broken ankle, whatever. It's his turn.
Red: Kitty, the man is injured.
Kitty: Okay. That is just great. I will just take a chicken out of the freezer because queen Bernice doesn't like ham.

Eric: Look, you could tell her I'm sick or something.
Kitty: Eric, go upstairs and put on that shirt your grandmother gave you.
Red: Eric, just stay there. Your mother is just being ridiculous.
Kitty: You know what's ridiculous, is giving your mother our phone number.

Red: What's being ridiculous is-
Eric: Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Now, look let's just stay calm. Mom, if it'll help you out, I'll hang out with Grandma so she'll leave you alone. What do you say?
Red: Well, first of all, Eric, I'm the one who says "hold it." When you pay the bills, you get to say "hold it." Now get in the car, 'cause we're going to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.
Kitty: Well, you're damn right. Just try and stop me.
Eric: Damn.

Kitty: Here she comes. Oh, God, Red, I don't think I can do this.
Red: Kitty, do us all a favor and light up.
Kitty: I'm fine.

Kitty: Well, it's nice to see you, Bernice.
Bernice: I hate this car. You know, I just hate this car. Your brother Jerry has a beautiful car. A Lincoln. But then, he makes more money, a lot more money than you do.
Red: All righty, then.
Bernice: So, Kitty, Eric tells me that you quit smoking.
Kitty: Yes. Yes, I did quit. And I just I feel great. [giggles]
Bernice: [lights up] Well, good for you, dear. [blows smoke at Kitty]

Man: [on TV] Welcome to Worship for Shutins.
Hyde: Change it. [bowling pins clatter on TV] All right, change that.
Donna: How did we change channels before Fez?
Kelso: I don't think we did.