Midge: Bob, I've been telling you for months how I've needed to expand my mind.
Bob: Is this about jewelry? 'Cause I'll buy you jewelry.
Midge: No, sweetie. It's about me becoming a whole person.
Bob: Midgie, don't take this the wrong way, but that's just stupid.
Midge: Well, I don't think it's your decision.
Bob: Well, I'm the man of the house and I say you're not going to community college.
Midge: You can't tell me what to do, you big... ass!

Jackie: Just so you know, Donna, when I finally decide to do it with Michael, I have the whole thing planned out.
[fantasy: Jackie waits on her bed:]
Jackie: [v.o.] First, I'll be wearing a very sexy Renoir.
Donna: [v.o.] Don't you mean peignoir?
Jackie: Yeah, okay, whatever. Stop ruining this, Donna.
Donna: Okay.
Jackie: And then there'll be candles everywhere. And also, there'll be a gigantic banner. And then Michael will come in. And the wind will be blowing and then we will have the most magical night of our lives.
[reality:]
Donna: So, if you have it all planned out why are you still waiting?
Jackie: I want it to be really special.
Donna: I mean, how could it not with a gigantic banner?
Jackie: Exactly.

Eric: This backseat sucks. Plus it's too small. Fez's leg is touching mine.
Fez: No. Your leg is touching mine.
Eric: I shouldn't even be in the back seat. You know, I should be driving my own car.
Hyde: Well, the reason you're not driving your own car, Forman is because you're irresponsible, and you scratched it. [laughs]
Kelso: Yeah. That's a good one. [Eric gives Kelso a purple nurple] I'm trying to drive the car here, man!

Eric: No. Put it back, I like that song.
Hyde: Pipe down, now, back seat Charlie. [music plays] All right.
Eric: The back seat sucks.
Fez: Welcome to my sad little world.

Eric: This is great. I'm dead. You know, when we were in my car, and I was running the show, I don't remember one single time we all got arrested.
Hyde: That's true.
Kelso: Eric, will you just relax? We're all in trouble here.
Eric: Oh, no, no. No, no, no. We're not all in trouble here. Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom, probably one cell over. So, that just leaves me. I'm the only one who's really in trouble here.

Fez: I will be deported. They're gonna send me back to my homeland, the beautiful island of... [door opens]
Police Officer: Okay, who's the ringleader here?
Kelso, Fez & Hyde: [all point to Eric] He is.
Police Officer: You get one phone call.
Fez: To anywhere?
Police Officer: One local phone call.

Hyde: So who should we call?
Eric: I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

Hyde: I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.
Kelso: No offense, but isn't every night "poker" night for Edna? [laughs] [Hyde hits Kelso]

Jackie: [answers phone] Hello?
Kelso: Jackie! Oh, thank God you're home. I was driving a stolen car and I got arrested.
Jackie: Oh, Michael, this is just like the book Prisoner of Love where Cliff, the rugged yet sweet motorcycle mechanic was thrown into jail. And then his true love, Tasha, was forced to be a slave girl for this really rich, mean guy.
Kelso: Jackie, I'm not kidding around. I'm really in jail.
Jackie: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Kelso: Yeah, I guess. But I'm a little cold. It's lonely in the joint, Jackie.
Jackie: My God. You're really in jail. What if you never get out?
Kelso: That would really suck.
Jackie: Yes, it would, Michael. And I promise the minute you get out of prison, I'm gonna prove my love to you.
Kelso: Cool. Thanks.
Jackie: Michael, do you even know what I'm saying to you?
Kelso: Yeah. No.
Jackie: We're gonna make love, you idiot.
Kelso: All right!

Eric: You two have a nice little talk?
Kelso: Oh, yeah.
Eric: You know what's funny?
Kelso: What?
Eric: Nothing! Because you forgot to ask her for help, you moron!
Kelso: My God, you're right. Give me another dime.
Hyde: We only had one dime. We only got one phone call.
Kelso: Oh, my God. Somebody give me a spoon. I'm gonna dig my way out of here. [Fez lunges at Kelso]