Red: In here you got the stove and the fridge, both still under warranty.
Woman: Oh, is this the kitchen?
Red: No, it's a petting zoo. There's the goat, pony ride. [points at the woman] Oh, there's the dumbass!

Kitty: Oh, Red, how did it go showing the house?
Red: Why don't you ask all the dumbasses that came through here?
Kitty: So, poorly then. Maybe I should show the house. I heard that you're supposed to make a home feel warm and friendly and inviting. So you should probably leave.
Red: Yeah, I just don't have the patience for these people. I hate to admit it, but I wish they were all dead.

Red: Just when I thought I can't like Florida any more, they reinstate the death penalty.

Kitty: Red, you are not gonna believe what just came for you.
Red: My Packer tickets.
Kitty: I know. Isn't it terrific?
Red: Fifth row. You can hear the knees blowing out from there. I can't believe I have to give them away.
Kitty: What?
Red: I know how much you're looking forward to Florida. I wouldn't do that to you.
Kitty: Red, I don't want to move.
Red: What?
Kitty: Well, I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move you've been so happy and smiley and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer. Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.
Red: Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I'm with you.
Kitty: Really?
Red: Of course.
Kitty: Red.
Red: I love you.
Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.
Red: I was talking to the tickets.

Red: Hey, Dave, the Celtics are in town tomorrow. You up for it?
Pastor Dave: I'm in!
Kitty: Oh. Pastor Dave, tomorrow's Sunday. You have church on Sunday.
Pastor Dave: Right, church. Church, right.
Red: Well, just get someone to sub for you. Every Sunday I see six other guys up there in robes who only shake themselves awake when the wine comes out. Any one of them could do your job.
Pastor Dave: Well, if God didn't want me to go to basketball he wouldn't have made foam fingers so much fun. Check it out. The hand of God is pointing at you. [chuckles] Okay, see you at church.

Red: Hey, Donna. Come here and take a look at this sewing table. It's even got a cup-holder, like Kitty asked. You know, that Randy is a pretty sharp kid. He build this thing in two days. The only thing Eric ever made was this crappy birdhouse.
Donna: Oh, yeah. He was always too afraid to use the drill so he just painted the hole on there.
Red: Yeah, and one by one, an entire family of bluebirds flew to their deaths. [puts birdhouse in trash can]
Donna: Mr. Forman, what would you think if I hypothetically, possibly, maybe started dating a new guy?
Red: I'd say I think you can do whatever the hell you want. My dumbass son broke up with you. You gotta have your own life. I have absolutely no problem with you dating Randy.
Donna: What, you know about that?
Red: Oh, come on. Your eyes nearly popped out of your head when you saw him in that tool belt.
Donna: Okay, cool. It really means a lot to me that you guys are okay with this.
Red: No, no, no. Wait, no. I'm okay. For the love of God, don't tell Kitty. I'd have to make her a bigger cup-holder!

Red: Kitty. What's for supper?
Kitty: Well, that's up to the chef at Frenchies. We're going out tonight and I'm getting the most expensive thing on the menu.
Red: The six-dollar steak? Kitty, we're in a recession!