[fantasy:]
Kitty: [sings] Feel funky Whoo! Feel good Whoo! Gonna tell you I'm in the neighborhood Gonna fly like a bird on the wing Hold on to your hat, honey Sing, sing, sing, sing
All: [sing] I got the music in me I got the music in me I got the music in me I got the music in me I got the music in me I got the music in me Yeah [applause]
Kitty: Thank you. Thank you. And welcome to The Forman Bunch Variety Hour. [laughs] And, boy, do we have a great show for you tonight.
Eric: Sorry, Mom. We can't stay for the show.
Audience: No.
Kitty: Why not?
Eric: Well, living at home is unbearable, so we've decided to run away.
Audience: No.
Red: Yay!
Hyde: So, thanks for everything, Mrs. F.
Kitty: Well, you boys can't run away. Who's gonna do the square dance with Shields and Yarnell?
Eric: Well, let Laurie do it. She's been making out with Shields all day.
Laurie: That's a lie!
Kitty: Well, when will I see you again?
Shirley Jones: Don't worry, Kitty. I'll take care of them.
Kitty: [laughs] Oh, ladies and gentlemen, star of stage and screen, Shirley Jones.
Eric & Hyde: Hi, Mom.
Kitty: Mom?
Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.
Eric: We're Partridges now.
Hyde: This is gonna be great. I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey.
Kitty: No. Partridges? You can't live in a bus. There's no toilet.
Shirley Jones: Well, it may be inconvenient, Kitty, but we do get to spend a lot of time together.
Eric: That's right. Mrs. Partridge quit her job to form a family band.
Shirley Jones: Yep. It's all a matter of choices, Kitty. I guess you just chose to be a bad mother.
Laurie: Hey, Shirley. Can I come? I play the tambourine.
Shirley Jones: Oh, I'm sorry, Laurie. No whores on my show.
Laurie: Oh, fine. Hey, Shields. Wait up!
Charo: Aaah! Cuchi-cuchi-cuchi! Whoa, whoa-
Kitty: Can it, Charo.

Donna: Surprise.
Eric: This is so great. I didn't know you delivered.
Red: [o.s.] Bed check, dumbass.
Eric: Holy crap.
[Donna hides behind the door as Red and Kitty enter Eric's bedroom]
Kitty: No, it is not a bed check. We just wanna say good night and- and we love you very, very much. [Red bangs on the window] What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just nailing his window shut. For his own good.
Eric: What if there's a fire?
Red: Well, then I guess you can just light your dope with it, dopehead.

[As Red and Kitty look at Eric, Donna sneaks out of Eric's room and across the hall into Laurie's bedroom]
Laurie: Donna! Get out.
Kelso: Whoa. Not so fast, Laurie. [Donna slaps Kelso] Oh. [Laurie slaps Kelso] Ow! Ow!
Donna: You idiot! Red's doing bed checks.
Red: [o.s.] Bed check.
[As Donna and Kelso hide under the bed, Laurie kneels at the foot of her bed:]
Laurie: And bless Mommy and bless Daddy and bless Grandma... Oh. Hi, Daddy.
Red: Sorry to bother you, kitten.

Kitty: Red, I want my house back.
Fez: I once had an ant farm-
Kitty: Oh, honey, no. Not now. Okay. Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. You are going to remember that he's a good son and you are going to remember that he's a good father because I am not happy with the way this house is running.
Red: Now you see what you've done? You've made your mother unhappy.
Kitty: No, he didn't. I'm not happy with everything. I'm not- I'm not happy with windows being nailed shut and I'm not- I'm not happy with people sneaking around and- and I'm not happy with my Christmas bells on the front door.
Red: Well, Kitty, what do you want me to do? Pretend that nothing happened?
Kitty: Yes.
Red: No.
Kitty: Fine. Then- Then that's it. Then I'm staying home. I'm staying home full-time, and I am- I am taking back my house, and that's the way it is. Now, you get upstairs and take those nails out of the windows and you stop being such a sneaky smart mouth and you- [to Fez] Honey, you've gotta stop eating stuff off the floor. Now, everyone, let's just- Let's go back to happy. [laughs]
Eric: So, I guess playtime is over. I'm sorry.

Kitty: Where's Steven and Eric?
Fez: Um... Your hair is very pretty.
Kitty: Oh, they can't leave the house. They're grounded.
Fez: Oh, don't worry about them. They're at The Hub. Oh, no. I am the snitch.

Kitty: What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just a little security measure in case anybody tries to escape.
Kitty: Red, no. Those are my Christmas bells. Those are happy bells.
Red: Well, then they're doing their job because I'm happy. Let's have some cake.

Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here? [exits]
Hyde: That one's my favorite.
Red: Well, I hope you're happy, because now you've upset your sister.
Eric: Oh- You know what? Forget it, Dad. Enjoy yourself. Get your shots in now. Because when I'm gone... Oh, I'm gonna be long gone. [exits]
Hyde: I got no place to go, so I'm gonna stay here. But the tension's nice. Reminds me of home. [exits]
Red: Finally. Now I can enjoy the show in peace. Oh, this show is crap.

Kitty: Oh, no. Honey.
Red: Yep. He thought he could sneak out.
Eric: So. What now, Ho Chi Minh?
Red: Well, I'll tell you one thing. Playtime is over. Your friends are no longer allowed in the house.
Eric: Wait. What?
Kitty: No, no. We'll talk about it in the morning.
Red: Fine, we'll talk about it in the morning. We'll talk about how your friends are no longer allowed in the house.

Kitty: You know, I have an interesting idea. Why don't we not punish him? Why don't we try a little of that forgiveness that Jesus was always talking about?
Red: No, no. This is for his own good. Look, in order for Eric to be a happy, well-adjusted adult he has to be miserable now. That's just good parenting. If I was to be Mr. Nice Guy now do you know what would happen to Eric in a few years? Do you?
[fantasy:]
Red: Oh, Eric. Breakfast.
[Eric enters dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS]
Kitty: Well, there's my sweet little baby boy.
Red: Why, oh, why didn't I discipline you?
Eric: Shut up and eat your cornflakes.
[reality:]
Red: That's what. Never surrender, Kitty. Never retreat. We're winning. The fact that Eric was desperate enough to climb out his window shows that everything is working.

Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass.
Kelso: It was an accident.
Laurie: Shh!
Donna: It's still there.
Kelso: It's still an accident.
Donna: Kelso, it's still there!
Kelso: Yeah.