Red: Oh, and I need you to re-sticker those clock radios. They're on sale.
Eric: Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.
Red: Really? Well... way to show initiative.
Eric: Way to show initiative? What are you up to?
Red: Nothing. I think you did a good job.
Eric: Okay, but I'm watching you.

Kelso: Spare me the sarcasm, Hyde. I am really hurting here, and I'm totally lonely.
Hyde: Man, I've seen people gut-shot who complain less than you.
Fez: Kelso, what do you miss about her? All she ever did was call you names. Hey, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?
Kelso: Oh. Thanks, Fez.
Fez: No problem, fart-face.

Red: Let's just go to work, okay?
Earl: Sure. Right after a cup of Joe. I'm useless without my coffee. [exits]
Eric: Wow. He must not have had coffee in years, huh?
Red: [chuckles] That's pretty funny.
Eric: Okay, what's up with you?

[circle:]
Kelso: I just realized Jackie's short. And I don't like short people. They're creepy, you know? Always sneaking up on you. I don't even know why I was with her.
Fez: Maybe it's because she's a tiny little whore. Oh. I meant to hurt you, but I hurt myself because I love her.
Eric: Hey, guys. I really cracked Red up today, and not by tripping or getting wet or vomiting.
Hyde: Did you bump your head? [chuckles] That's good stuff.
Eric: No, I just made a joke, and he just... got it. I mean, at work we're like just two guys brought together by the common goal of slashing prices on all your household needs. Plus, I mean, it is so great to see him chew out other people.
Hyde: Yeah, Forman. Now you know how we feel when he yells at you.
Kelso: Yeah. It really is hilarious, man. You get all bug-eyed and stuttery. [laughs] Fellas, I've been thinking. There's a lot of ladies out there, right? Now, I haven't seen nearly enough of them naked.
Fez: Sometimes, I am looking at naked ladies, and then I get exhausted. And then, I get a second wind, and then I'm ready for more naked ladies.
Eric: It's like, at work, there's this guy Earl, and he's a real screw-up, right? So, Red gets pretty PO'd, but that deflects all of Red's anger from me. So, I mean, Earl's like a dumbass lightning rod.
Hyde: I hear that, man. Yeah. I'll only work with the barely competent. It takes the stress out of slacking off.
Kelso: Man, it feels great to be free of that midget. Yeah, uh, it's like the world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it. Nothing but hot new ladies from here on in. I want to be boldly going where no man's gone before.

Kelso: Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.
Kitty: [laughs] No, no, no. You mean Eric.
Kelso: No, uh, Laurie. Your other kid.
Kitty: But why?
Hyde: You're dating Laurie? That's not different, man. You're boldly going where every man's gone before.
Kitty: Steven, it is not nice to be so... truthful.

Eric: [clears throat] Speaking of work.
Hyde: We weren't talking about work.
Eric: Work. Right. Dad and I really put in some hard hours today. Didn't we, Pop?
Red: Yeah, Eric's really busting his hump down there.
Kitty: Well, I am just so happy my two fellas work so well together. [laughs] Hey, how's Earl doing?
Red: Oh, he's okay. But his damn dog can't go a day without getting hit. At least I've got one good man down there.
Eric: Right back at you, big guy.
Kitty: Well, that Earl's always been a character.
Eric: Yeah, like today, he was late, and Dad said, "Get to work," and he said, "Sorry, Red, I'm useless without my coffee." And then, I said, "He must not have had coffee in years," right?
Red: Yeah.
Kitty: [laughs] Well, that's cute.
Eric: Yeah, and that's not even my best Earl joke. Okay, ready? Knock, knock. Who's there? Well, it's not Earl, 'cause he's late. [laughs]
Red: Yeah, I'm guessing Earl's not short for early.
Eric: That's a good one, Red.
Hyde: I got one. Um... There once was a girl from Nantucket...
Kitty: Okay, okay. Let's just all eat.

Laurie: Come on, Kelso. Come up to my room. I need you to, um, help me move my bookcase. [exits]
Kelso: That means we're gonna have sex.
Hyde: Thanks for cracking that code.
Eric: What are you doing?
Fez: They're going up to have sex. Get the wax out of your ears.
Eric: Man, you can't bring my sister down to the basement. This is our fortress of solitude.
Kelso: Well, I'm sorry, but she's my girlfriend, and I love her.
Donna: No, you don't.
Kelso: Well, I like her.
Hyde: No, you don't.
Kelso: I think she is okay, and the line between love and okay is pretty fine. But the line between doing it and not doing it, that's not fine at all.
Donna: Just like the line between moron and idiot?
Kelso: Exactly. You know, it took me months to get Jackie in the sack. Well, Laurie, she already lets me do it, and plus, I'm over here all the time, anyway, so there's like, the convenience factor.
Laurie: [returns] Kelso, my bookcase isn't going to move itself. Or maybe it will.
Kelso: Damn, I gotta go. [exits]
Hyde: Dumbest babies ever.

Donna: Jackie, it's great to see you so happy. And strong. And over Kelso. You're like a rock. You're like a tiny little rock.
Jackie: Donna, are you trying to tell me bad news, or are you making fun of my butt?
Donna: No. Your butt's fine.
Jackie: Fine?!
Donna: Glorious. Whatever. Look, Kelso's dating Laurie.
Jackie: [gasps] I don't care.
Donna: Oh, come on. How can you still have feelings for him?
Jackie: Donna, I don't have feelings for him. I just hate that bitch for making him happy.
Donna: Oh, believe me. She will make him more miserable than you ever did.
Jackie: Oh, Donna. Thank you. I'm gonna pray to God that you're right.

Kitty: Laurie, I have to talk to you.
[split-screen with Kitty talking to Laurie and Hyde talking to Kelso:]
Hyde: Kelso, we gotta confab, man.
Laurie & Kelso: Okay.
Kitty: Too many times I have sat idly by and watched you make bad choices.
Hyde: I've seen you screw up an awful lot. And sure, I've enjoyed it.
Hyde & Kitty: But now, you've gone too far. Do you know what this is about?
Laurie: Duh. I'm not an idiot.
Kelso: Nuh-uh.
Kitty: Michael has some nice qualities, but...
Hyde: Laurie's got great legs, and a fine rack, but...
Kitty: He's just a boy.
Hyde: She's a major skankoid.
Kitty: And you don't know where a boy like that will end up.
Hyde: And you don't know where a girl like that has been.
Kitty: Now, I know. I know you want a boyfriend who's weak and easily manipulated.
Hyde: Now, I know you're weak and easily manipulated.
Kitty: But you have got to learn to think about the future.
Hyde: But you've got to learn to think.
Kitty: And...
Kitty & Hyde: And make smart choices. 'Cause what's convenient isn't always what's best.
Kitty: If it were, I'd just throw on a muumuu and eat out of a can.
Hyde: If it were, this frozen pizza wouldn't taste like monkey butt.
Laurie: Okay. Are you done with this little lecture?
Kelso: Okay. You done with that pizza?
Hyde & Kitty: Yes. And I think I've made my point.
Laurie: [inner monologue] Oh, god. I've got to get my own place.
Kelso: [inner monologue] This doesn't taste like monkey butt.

Jackie: So. You know who I hate? Laurie.
Fez: Oh, Jackie. I know you're upset and in pain, but you're not going to talk during Hollywood Squares, are you?
Jackie: No, I mean, I really do hate her. No offense, Eric, but your sister... she's a slut.
Eric: Oh, my God. Jackie, not since the Smokey vs. Bandit debate have you and I so been on the same page.
Donna: Yeah, I think we're all on board.
Jackie: God, this is so great. You guys all hate Laurie and love me.
Hyde: Yeah, we all hate Laurie.
Fez: Shh! Oh great. Lamb Chop had a joke, and I missed it.