Nina: According to your application, your last job was as Dancer Number Three in the school production of My Fair Lady.
Fez: Yes. It was magical. I could have danced all night.
Nina: Uh-huh. I'm afraid your theater experience doesn't really apply to working here at the D.M.V.
Fez: But, Nina, what is the D.M.V. really, if not one big stage?
Nina: The D.M.V. is the Department of Motor Vehicles. It is not a stage.
Fez: Ah, but in a way, they're very similar.
Nina: No, they're not.
Fez: Oh, but really, they are.
Nina: No, they're not.
Fez: Okay. They are.
Nina: No, they're not! I'm just gonna put down no prior experience.
Fez: Okay. Ah, but you haven't asked me about my special skills yet.
Nina: Well, I really don't see how a fondness for pie is relevant.
Fez: But, Nina, what is the D.M.V. really, if not one big pie shop?

Kitty: Great. Clicker's on the fritz. All I want to do is see the end of Guiding Light, and it won't click. Click, damn it! Click!
Red: Kitty? I think your lady problem is acting up again.
Kitty: It jus- It just won't click, that's all. It's supposed to click, Red. It's a clicker. That's what it does.
Red: Okay. Let's get you to bed.
Eric: [enters] Okay, you guys? Uh, very important. Donna's coming over, and I lost the ring she gave me. I thought I had it in the basement.
Red: Eric, please! Your mother is having a breakdown.
Kitty: No. The only thing having a breakdown around here is the clicker! Why won't it click, Red? Nothing loves me!

Red: I need cold compresses and a Bloody Mary. Quick! Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan. Now move. I need help, damn it!

Nina: Now I think that's all the questions I have about your application.
Fez: Okay, but one thing my application doesn't say is how much I would apply myself to the job here. [chuckles]
Nina: I'm gonna have to ask you to stop making puns now. I really don't think this is going to work out, so- [gasps] Wow! That is a gorgeous man-ring. You know, wearing a ring this big shows a lot of confidence.
Fez: Well, I do feel like a king when I wear it. And, you know, what is the D.M.V. really, if not one big kingdom?
Nina: You know what? You're stubborn, under qualified, and you barely speak English. Welcome to the D.M.V.

Donna: In fact, why don't you tell me about this pea-soup-colored chair?
Eric: I think it's comfortable and soothing, just like pea soup.
Donna: Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste.
Kitty: Excuse me?
Donna: Uh, Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things I love and the people I thought loved me.
Red: Hey, Kitty? How about a nap?
Kitty: And you. Have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click? [stamps on the clicker] Oh, my goodness. I am flying right off the handle. [laughs]
Red: Seems to me you're just as pleasant as always.
Kitty: Ooh, that is sweet. Oh. I think I'd like to take a nap now.

Eric: All right. That's it. This thing's coming off.
Hyde: Oh, whoa. Be careful, man. You drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation. We'll all go crashing into the sun.
Kelso: [chuckles] Way to use science in a burn. [laughs]

[circle:]
Donna: How could Eric lose that ring? And more importantly, how could he think it was ugly? It's got real nugget-gold plating and the abalone is inlaid.
Kelso: If you were my girlfriend, I would be proud to wear that ring. Heck, I'd wear it if you just wanted to fool around a little. Get my drift, Big "D"? [clicks tongue] [Donna punches Kelso's arm] [Kelso groans]
Hyde: All I know is, you guys better watch what you say around here. Some people can't be trusted because they have a great, big mouth, Jackie!
Jackie: How could you say that? My mouth is in perfect proportion to the rest of my face.
Donna: Plenty of classy men wear rings. Wayne Newton. The pope. My Uncle Carmine from Hoboken. You lose his ring, you wake up in a Dumpster. And that's just a warning!

Kitty: Well, I think it's sweet. I can enjoy these things now because I am not gonna let menopause get me down. Mm-mmm. No depression, night sweats, or sudden mood swings for me.
Red: Well, I guess that's starting today, huh? 'Cause last night, you hit the trifecta there.
Kitty: Well, I just refuse to be sad about the fact that I'm never gonna have another baby. I don't need another baby. I got a lot to look forward to. Like picking out my casket. [sobs]
Red: Oh, Kitty. It's okay. You've still got Eric. He's sort of a baby. I'll make him cry if you want.

Fez: Oh, Eric. What a glorious man-ring. See, I told you to accessorize and you finally listened, huh?
Eric: Man, you like it?
Fez: Yeah. What's not to like? It's hypnotic. It looks like he has superpowers.
Kelso: [chuckles] Man, I'd like to see the lame-o superhero that had to wear that ring.
[fantasy: Kelso is dressed as Batman, Fez as Aquaman, Hyde and Jackie as The Wonder Twins on the bridge of a space ship:]
Kelso: Okay, super pals I need a danger alert status report.
Hyde: My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe. [continues kissing Jackie]
Fez: I think the oceans are secure, but I cannot check for another 45 minutes. Because I just ate.
[Eric enters as Superman with Donna as Wonder Woman]
Eric: Hi, guys.
Kelso: No. You've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideously ugly ring!
Donna: Actually, it's a gift. From me.
Hyde: Form of: the worst gift ever.
Jackie: Shape of: uh, hope you kept the receipt.
Eric: [beeping] Oh, no! Alien zombies are attacking the Earth. Let's swing into action, gang.
Kelso: Hang on a second! We're still on this ring.
Hyde: Are you sure it's not an evil alien artifact?
Donna: I got it at the mall.
Red: [over video screen] Greetings, super dumbasses.
Eric: Oh, no! It's Dr. Bald.
Red: Any minute now, my army of alien zombies will be inva- Good Lord! That is an ugly ring! Hey, alien zombies, get a load of that ring! [all laugh]

Jackie: Donna, guess who hates the ring you got him?
Donna: Eric hates the ring? He told me he loved it.
Jackie: Well... See, Eric told Steven that the ring was so ugly that the Elephant Man wears it to distract people from his face.
Donna: That ring is beautiful. You know, what's ugly is his bony little finger.
Jackie: Hey. You know what? If he can't appreciate it, let's just take it back and buy me something pretty.