Red: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob: Tell you what, you name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Red: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass.
Kitty: Oh, for goodness' sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?

Kitty: Okay, Mr. Claus, [laughs] let's hear your best Santa laugh.
Red: Ho, ho.
Bob: You left out a "ho", Red. It's three "ho's". Did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty: Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".

Red: So, what do you want for Christmas?
Boy: I want a slinky.
Red: A slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas. Next.
[later:]
Girl: I want a pony.
Red: Ponies die. What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
[later:]
Girl #2: I want a flying car.
Red: I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
Kitty: Okay, okay, little girl, you know what? I bet, if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
Red: Don't listen to her. It's a lie.
Kitty: Bad Santa.