Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years!
[The background behind Red and Kitty sways as Eric stares at them]
Red: I wish I had 2,000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Eric: Okay, you guys, I made a list of all the things I wanna do on my year off. Check out number five.
Fez: "Jump into my car through the window like the Duke boys."
Eric: No, no, no, no. No, I already did that. That should be crossed off. Number six.
Donna: "Vandalize a local business"?
Eric: Yes, and today I happened to see an out-of-business muffler shop. Imagine the muffler shop signs with the "L-E-R" scratched off the word "muffler."
Donna: Eric, no, that's gross.
Fez: What's gross? I don't get it. I want to know what's gross.
Eric: Replace your old "muffler" without the "ler."
Fez: "Replace your old muff..." Oh, I get it. I get it.

Bob: Okay, you gotta admit it, this one's pretty funny. [chuckles] I'm sorry, I love word play.
Kitty: I don't get it. What's so funny about a muff?
Red: Kitty.
Kitty: I mean, muffs aren't funny. I have a beautiful gray one that I have been using for years.
Red: For the love of God, please.
Kitty: Just tell me what's so funny about my...
Red: Nothing. Nothing is funny.
Kitty: Exactly.

Kitty: I will have you know that my friend Linda just filled me in on some slang words that some people in my family find funny. And now I can never feel comfortable with my muff again.
Eric: Mom... [Hyde and Eric laugh]
Kitty: Don't laugh, mister. When you were a baby, I used to put you in it when you got out of the tub.
Eric: Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Stop.