Red: Hold it, you two. Now, before we hit the road, we need to have a talk about that horrible thing that's taken over your mother.
Eric: You mean, her "change of life"?
Hyde: Thought we were calling it "the lady-parts problem."
Red: It goes by many names. Now, we're dealing with a tricky enemy here. I haven't been this frosty since Korea. And just like a commie, it can jump out and attack you at any moment.
Kitty: [o.s.] Red, honey.
Hyde: Incoming!
Eric: Retreat!

Eric: Hey. There's my favorite coed. Hey, are you all packed for Visitors Weekend?
Donna: I can't go. My dad's making me visit Marquette instead. He thinks it's a better school, 'cause it's private. Oh, and 'cause it sounds French.
Eric: Well, you know what? We'll just go with you. I mean, if it's a better school then I belong there too, right, Dad?
Red: No. State schools are cheap. That's where you belong.
Eric: Well, what if, like, you took out a second mortgage on the house? [Red and Hyde laugh]
Red: Not for you, dumbass.

Kelso: Hey. Wait up.
Red: What do you want?
Kelso: The explanation's pinned to my lapel.
Red: "Dear Red. Mr. Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to U.W. Here's $30 so he can go with you." Where's the 30 bucks?
Kelso: Oh, I bought this "electronical" football game.
Red: I swear to God, Kelso! You make Eric look like Einstein.
Eric: Thank you, Daddy.
Kelso: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

Kitty: Boys, um... Um, I realize that, uh... I may have been a little irrational today.
Kelso: A little?
Kitty: [screams] Shut up! [normal voice] So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, um, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall." [Eric groans]
Fez: I'm hooked.
Kitty: Okay, so. Um, now. Say these soaps are my ovaries.
Eric: Kill me now.
Hyde: Can't hear you, man. I'm on a beach in Florida.
Kitty: Okay, um, about a month ago, they stopped producing... [Kelso's game beeps] They stopped... [beeping continues] stopped producing- [game chirps] That's it! [throws Kelso's game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes, I was! And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.

Red: What do you want?
Kelso: Once again, the explanation is pinned to my lapel. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman, please give Michael $30 for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents."
Kitty: [laughs]
Red: Well, you made her laugh. That's worth 30 bucks.

Red: [to Fez] Oh, thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.

Kitty: [sobs]
Red: [to Eric] You gonna cry now too?
Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room!

Fez: Oh, Hyde, I've been meaning to tell you. [sings] Hyde and Jackie, sitting in a tree. They're in love like two monkeys. [laughs]
Hyde: Would you shut up, Fez? That's not even how it goes.
Fez: Well, is it making you mad?
Hyde: Yes.
Fez: Well, then, that's how it goes.

Kitty: Oh, Steven, I put out some clean clothes for you to take on the trip.
Hyde: Uh, thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I'm not really the college type. I get my learning on the street.
Red: Steven, you're a smart kid. If you would only just apply yourself, you could go to college too.
Hyde: You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?
Red: See how smart you are?

Kitty: Well, I just can't believe my baby is all grown up and visiting college! I am so freaking old!
Eric: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.
Kitty: Oh, no, it's not unwelcome. It's- It's liberating. Now my emotions just spill out.
Eric: Yeah, Mom. You're sweating all over your pork chop.