Kelso: Yeah, finally, I thought Jackie'd never leave.
Eric: Okay, Kelso, what are you doing?
Kelso: Well, I need a sexy memento from Laurie. I'm gonna commemorate our forbidden love... With panties.
Eric: Fine. Just take your panties and go home. Man, those are my mom's! Come on!

Kelso: Okay, these are Laurie's, right?
Hyde: Kelso, what exactly are you gonna do with those panties?
Kelso: Just look at 'em.
Fez: Kelso, did you ever notice that Laurie and Eric have the same eyes? So, if you're doing it with Laurie, and she's perhaps wearing a hat, it's kind of like you're doing it with Eric, too. [laughs] [When Eric, Kelso and Hyde don't laugh, Fez walks out]

Professor Stark: Hello, Laurie. I apologize for coming unannounced, but I...
Laurie: Mom, Daddy, this is Professor Stark. He was my art history teacher.
Professor Stark: Well, actually, I was your psychology teacher.
Eric: Well, whatever you taught her, she flunked it.
Red: Eric. So, you're from the, uh, University of Wisconsin? Are you here to give me back my money?
Professor Stark: Well, actually, I came here because of Laurie.
Laurie: Oh, yes. He came to see if the university would take me back.
Kitty: Really? Oh, please, here, have a seat. I'll make coffee and cake... I'll make coffee cake. And coffee! [laughs] Oh, gosh, really, can you get her back into the university and out of my house?

Donna: Hey, Dad.
Bob: Where have you two been?
Donna: Uh, Mom bought me these clogs. Aren't they great?
Bob: Oh, she bought you clogs. With my money. So, officially, I bought you clogs.
Midge: No, Bob, I bought her the clogs.
Bob: Get in the car, Donna. I'm gonna buy you something.
Donna: Uh, actually, Dad, I've got homework and...
Bob: Do you love your daddy?
Donna: Yes.
Bob: Let's go.
Midge: Looks like you're going shopping with the big ass!

Kitty: Eric, I need you to go to the store and get me three pounds of ground beef, lean.
Eric: Mom, look, before you go and blow 20 more cents a pound on ground beef, this guy is not gonna get Laurie back into college. She's stupid and evil. Mostly stupid.
Kitty: Eric, she's not stupid. She's just... She has... special... Just go.

Jackie: Michael, why do you care if Laurie kisses her professor?
Hyde: Yeah, Kelso, why do you care?
Kelso: Well... because... You see, it's wrong for an old person to make out with an innocent young student.
Hyde: God, you're noble.
Jackie: Innocent? Okay, Eric, no offense, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Kelso: Eric, are you gonna let her say that about your sister?
Eric: Sure.

Hyde: Hey, Forman, did you realize that there's a room back here, man? And it barely stinks!
Eric: Perfect. You can sit back there beneath your bare bulb writing angry letters to the government.
Hyde: [o.s.] Oh, don't think I won't.

Fez: Look. Did everyone see my hickey? Somebody loves me.
Eric: Moron, you gave that to yourself. It's still wet.
Fez: Oh, no, I did not. Somebody loves me. There is a lady love. There is!

Hyde: All right, man, you ready to make Laurie squeal like the family pig?
Eric: Oh, yes.
Hyde: You're gonna punk out, aren't you?
Eric: Well, it is my nature.
Hyde: Look, Forman, you've always been the runt of the litter. This is your chance to bite the big dog on the ass. So, my advice to you is... bite the big dog on the ass.

Eric: Okay, what if I let her off with a warning, you know? Just this one time.
Hyde: Well, that would be the mature choice... [slaps Eric] But not evil! You gotta think evil, man! Where would we be without the A-bomb?
Eric: Well, actually, the war was all but won when...
Hyde: Shut up! Okay, now, let's... Let's review.
Laurie: [imaginary] Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed. Daddy, Eric snuck out last night. Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer. Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate, so I flunked out of college. Daddy, Eric used all my hand lotion.
Eric: Okay, that bitch is dead.