Eric: Hey, Mom, Dad, I have something I wanna tell you. I've decided not to move away.
Red: What?
Eric: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and put off college for just a little while, or at least until you're well enough to go back to work.
Kitty: My baby, my baby, my baby. [hugs Eric]
Eric: Okay, Mom, this is actually kind of embarrassing. You're actually really hurting me, yeah.
Red: You mean I've been waiting 18 years for you to get your butt out of this house, and now you're staying?
Eric: Look, Mom, I signed over my paycheck to you. I, uh... I want you to go buy yourself something pretty. Or, I don't know, electricity.
Kitty: Oh, honey, thank you. Red, it wouldn't kill you to thank him.
Red: It might. I just had a heart attack.

Donna: God, it's gonna be so hard going off to college without you. But we'll see each other on the weekends, right?
Eric: Well, you say that now, but then there's that weekend where you call home and say you have to study, but I hear Moose, the place-kicker, in the background, asking if you want another shot of tequila, so...
Donna: Eric, that would never happen. I would never date a place-kicker. It's quarterback or nothing for me.

Eric: So it turns out that going-away sex is even hotter than make-up sex. It's like these chips. They say, "Now even crunchier," and you're thinking, "Oh, man, there is no way." But then you take a bite... and it is crunchier.
Kelso: Dude, if something's crunchy, you should really have that looked at.
Eric: There's no time, my friend, I have a distraught neighbor girl to attend to. Dry your eyes, baby, the loving's on its way!

Fez: [gasps] Toe ring.
Jackie: Oh, Fez, you like? Yeah, got a toe ring.
Fez: On the little piggy that went to the market. Steven, what do you think?
Hyde: [inner monologue] Can't resist toe ring. [out loud] Whatever.
Jackie: Well, you know, I have all sorts of things now that I didn't have when we were going out. Toe ring, tan lines, a tattoo.
Hyde: You don't have a tattoo, you're bluffing. Do you have a tattoo?
Jackie: Well, we're not going out, so I guess you'll never know. Ugh, this bra is so uncomfortable. You know, I think I'm gonna stop wearing them altogether. See you.

Kitty: Okay. The doctor wins. Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.
Eric: Man, look at all this. It's like Dean Martin exploded. There were bottles in the liquor cabinet, the dining room hutch, my mom's nightstand.
Kitty: Oh, no, no. That's for polishing furniture.
Eric: Mom, there's lipstick on it.

Jackie: Hey, Steven, check out my new super-sexy tattoo. Hard to keep your hands off, huh?
[Hyde dips his napkin in his glass of water and wipes Jackie's tattoo off]
Jackie: Steven!
Hyde: Sorry. Here's your tattoo back.
Fez: I'll take that.
Jackie: Steven, why are you being so difficult?
Hyde: Jackie, no amount of tattoos or toe rings are gonna fix the fact that you have a lot to apologize for.
Jackie: You're the one who should apologize.
Hyde: Well, then I guess we're not getting back together.
Jackie: I guess we're not. Oh, and by the way, you don't deserve a real tattoo. But if I were to get one, I'd show it to Fez before I'd ever show it to you.
Fez: I hope she gets it on her heinie.

Kelso: But, Jackie, it really bugs me that you and Hyde aren't back together. So, as the man who used to pleasure you endlessly, I feel it is my obligation to step in and fix this. 'Cause when I'm a cop, I'm gonna have to deal with domestic cases like this all the time.
Donna: And the good news is he'll have guns.
Kelso: Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake. You know, they should have put me in charge of Vietnam. I would have had those people making out in a week. [exits]
Eric: Wow. Donna, that might be the last time that you'll ever get to see Kelso make an even bigger mess of a problem.
Donna: Yeah. I'm gonna miss that. And I'm gonna miss you.
Jackie: Well, I'm not gonna miss you two slobbering all over each other like fat girls in a house with free meat. [exits]
Eric: And that might be the last time that Jackie ever makes fun of us, fat girls and meat.
Donna: Yeah. [kisses Eric]

Jackie: All right, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Kelso: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[cut to:]
Kelso: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Hyde: That can't be what she said.
Kelso: It's word for word, man.
Hyde: Kelso, would you get out of here?
Kelso: What? I'm helping.
Hyde: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Kelso: That better be the rash talking.

Eric: Hey.
Red: Oh, hey, listen, son. You know, it means a lot to your mother, you staying here and helping out the family. [clears throat] And, as for me, I... [clears throat] Well... There. Doctor said I should write down my feelings.
Eric: Are you actually thanking me? [opens note] This is a list of yard work.
Red: Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all that mowing you're gonna do.
Eric: You're welcome, Dad.
Red: Yeah, well... [Eric goes to hug Red] All right, we're both men here.

Eric: Oh, God.
Donna: What's wrong?
Eric: Nothing. It's just, this could be the last time... that you and I watch Gilligan get hit on the head by the Skipper.
Donna: Eric, the more we talk about me going away, the sadder you get. And being with you so much lately has been great, but afterwards... Well, you always used to look a little bit ashamed. And, I mean, now you just seem depressed.
Eric: No, no, no. I'm not depressed, Donna, you are depressed. [clears table] Okay, let's do this.
Donna: Okay, hold on. All this "last time" stuff, have you been saying that just for sex?
Eric: What? Have I... What? "This is not the one you're angry with."
Donna: You're disgusting. [exits and returns] Eric, that might be the last time we fight over you trying to get me to have sex with you!
Eric: I know!