Fez: And that was the first time I ever tasted chocolate.
Eric: That's a great story, man, but, uh, it's like 2:00 in the morning. So we gotta go to sleep.
Fez: But I forgot my tape of my ocean sounds. And I cannot fall asleep without it. Can you make ocean sounds for me?
Eric: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Fez: Okay, then let me tell you about the first time I ate a blow pop. Lick number one... What a surprise.
[later:]
Eric: [imitates waves crashing] [imitates seagulls] [imitates waves crashing]
Fez: You are forgetting the whale songs.
Eric: Listen, man, I've only been to the ocean once, and the closest thing I saw to a whale was some fat guy selling drugs.
Fez: Fine. Lick number two... Still no gum?
Eric: [imitates whale howling] [time lapse] [imitates whale howling]
Red: [enters] What the hell are you doing to yourself?!
Eric: Oh, great, Dad. You know what? You woke him up, you put him back to sleep!

Kitty: Oh, honey, you look terrible.
Fez: Oh, you don't look so hot yourself, sister.
Kitty: I beg your pardon.
Fez: Red made me sleep in the basement, and every time I started to fall asleep, Hyde would put a Popsicle on my neck. [sits down]
Laurie: That's my daddy's chair.
Fez: "That's my daddy's chair."
Eric: Fez, look, man, you gotta start kissing Red's butt a little, or he's gonna make sure you get deported.
Fez: He should be kissing my butt for taking his trashy daughter off his hands.
Laurie: I'm not that trashy. I won't sleep with you.
Fez: Oh, zip it, Jezebel.

Eric: Wait, Dad, look. I stayed home from college to take care of you and Mom in your hour of need. Okay, you owe me.
Red: That is just like a woman to bring that up.
Kitty: You know, Laurie could get in a lot of trouble, too.
Red: What kind of trouble?
Eric: Big trouble, dad. She could go to jail... Or back to jail. Well, come on. It's like... Where has she been for the past two years?

Agent Armstrong: How long did Fez and Laurie date before they got married?
[montage:]
Fez: Who needs to date? I had her in the sack faster than you can say "corn on the cob."
Kitty: Speaking of dates, I make an incredible date-nut bread. The secret is to soak the dates in some good strong rum. Which reminds me, who needs a drink? I know I do.
Eric: I... I don't know how long they dated. I... Oh, my god, I'm going to prison, aren't I? I'm gonna get shanked.

Agent Armstrong: What is Fez's favorite tv show?
[montage:]
Fez: Well, it depends. Basically, I just flip until I see nipples.
Kitty: Sometimes, I feel like a loaf of bread. Everyone keeps taking a slice of me until all that's left are two crusty pieces that nobody wants. And I just want to scream, "Appreciate me, damn it." But I don't. Why? Because my mother always told me that nice girls shouldn't make a fuss. And now, I am a flipping doormat!
Eric: Okay, look, man. Prison is not an option for me, okay? I can't pee in front of other people.

Red: [to Fez] Look, you deserve what you get. You tricked Laurie into this mess of a marriage. She's innocent and naive. The only reason she got caught up in this is because she loves too much.
Eric: Well, that last part's true.

Donna: Kelso!
Kelso: Donna, let go of my leg! I swear I got no problem kicking a girl!
Donna: Look, you've done a lot of stupid crap over the years... You stole my panties. You tied my hamster to a bottle rocket. And I don't know how many times I caught you peeping through my window.
Kelso: Five.
Donna: Look, the point is, I let it all slide because underneath I knew you were a good guy. But if you bail on Brooke, I will never respect you again, and neither will anybody else.
Kelso: Look, I know, okay? I know. I just... I don't know what to do.
Donna: Well, Kelso, you need to go talk to her.
Kelso: Okay.
Donna: Good. [reads wall] What? "Touch Donna Pinciotti's panties for 5 bucks. Call Michael Kelso"? [shoves Kelso out the window]

Kelso: Hey. Uh... It's been pointed out to me that I've been acting a little flaky about, um... Our situation.
Brooke: I disagree. Flaky means you're not consistent. You run away every time you see me.
Kelso: Anyway, uh... I think we should talk about what we're gonna do. I'm sure you're gonna want me to meet your parents, and lucky for you, I look good in a suit. Hell, I look good in anything, but you already know that.
Brooke: Actually, don't worry about it. As far as the baby and I are concerned, you're off the hook.
Kelso: So, you're just letting me go?
Brooke: Yep. You don't have to think about this ever again.
Kelso: And I won't! Wow! You're like the coolest girl I ever did it with at a concert!

Jackie: Michael, there is no way Brooke said you're off the hook. Okay, I bet she said, "I'm gonna take every penny you have, you irresponsible bastard," because that's what I would say.
Kelso: No. She definitely said "off the hook." Man, I am one tall, cute, lucky kid.
Hyde: So that's it, man? It's like this thing with you and Brooke never happened?
Kelso: Yeah. Wait, no. I mean, there's still gonna be a baby out there. But... My life's back to normal. Sorta. I mean, it's kind of weird. I'm not gonna think about it 'cause I don't need to. I should be happy right now. You know what? I am happy right now. Yeah. I think.
Donna: Yeah, think, feel, look deep inside, like deep, deep inside almost to China. There's a good guy in there.
Kelso: You know what? Don't lecture me, okay? I went to her, and I tried to talk to her, and she said it was cool, which is awesome, because this could, like, screw up my whole life.
Hyde: Yeah, man, you know, you gotta stay focused if you're gonna invent those quadruple Oreos.
Kelso: Those are a secret, man.

Donna: No, yeah, this is good. Why put yourself out for some kid? Children grow up without dads all the time.
Kelso: Right.
Jackie: Yeah, like Steven.
Kelso: Well, I don't want him ending up like Hyde. With hair all frizzed out with angry thoughts. [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] Ow! And violent, too.
Hyde: Kelso, you know what you should do, but you're not gonna do it 'cause you're too much of a tool.
Kelso: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life.
Hyde: Tool.