Jackie: [clears throat] May I have your attention, please? I would like to introduce to you all, the new Michael Kelso! [claps]
Kelso: [runs out] Yeah. So, huh, what do you think? Yeah. Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [as Marlon Brando] Yeah. I'm so Brando.
Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.
Kelso: What are you even saying?
Hyde: I think you know what I'm saying. Aaaaay!
Kelso: Jackie, did you dress me up like The Fonz?
Jackie: No, Michael, I did not dress you up like The Fonz. Although, I mean, I like The Fonz. I think, he's, you know, kind of...

Kelso: Fez! Fonz? Yes or no?
Fez: Well, you know me, Kelso. I just want you to be happy.
Kelso: Thank you, Fez.
Fez: Now, if I could just have a moment of your time.
Kelso: Sure.
Fez: Good, yes. Okay, a gang of toughs has taken over Arnold's. Help us, Fonzie. You're our only hope!

[circle:]
Fez: Ah, Kelso, it was brave of you to come back. We gave you quite a ribbing.
Kelso: Yeah... Except for this time, I brought a hot, fresh pizza. But it's only for my friends who don't make fun of me. Mmm! Pizza!
Hyde: Kelso, man, I got 1,000 insults, and no pizza's gonna make... Is that sausage? You brilliant bastard!
Eric: Guys, let me ask you something. Donna told me she loves me, and then I told her, "I love cake." That's not bad, is it? I'm still cool, right?
[Fez, Kelso and Hyde are silent as the camera pans around to them]
Eric: Okay. I don't know what happened. I just panicked, and it popped out. I mean, I don't remember wanting to ever talk about cake. I wasn't really that hungry.
Fez: Cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake. Of course, you cannot have sex with Donna, either, so...
Kelso: Yeah, man. You should've just lied and told her that you loved her. "I love you, baby." See? And I don't love you. Isn't that great?
Hyde: He does love her, you dope. Right?
Eric: Okay. Well, if I admit it, are you guys gonna make fun of me?
Fez: Oh, Eric. Love is not a joke. This is a joke, knock, knock.
Kelso: Who's there? Look, if you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free! [laughs]
Hyde: Don't listen to him, man. He's stupid. Here's what you gotta do, she said it, so now you gotta say it. Then she'll say it back, and everything will be okay. Oh, and get her pizza. 'Cause right now I kinda love Kelso.
Eric: Yeah, I can do that. I'll just say it, and I'll be back on top again. All right. [eats pizza] So now, uh... Where was I when Fonzie here moved to town? [Kelso grabs the pizza slice] Hey! Give that backamundo!

Donna: Eric... Eric, are you okay?
Eric: What? Yeah.
Donna: You look like you have a stomachache or something.
Eric: No. There's nothing wrong with my stomach. It's just that... I love you... man. [punches Donna's arm] Ha, ha.

Kelso: Damn! Where the heck is that fudgsicle! Hey... Is that my fudgsicle?
Fez: No. This one's mine.
Kelso: Damn it. Where's my fudgsicle?
Eric: Just tell me. How am I supposed to fix this?
Kelso: Well, first of all... You need to learn how to handle a little woman troubles without getting all freaked out. It's pretty unmanly, man. [Laurie enters] Laurie.
Laurie: [laughs] Aaaay!
Kelso: [takes off jacket] That's it! I hate this stupid thing! Laurie laughing at me.
Eric: But, Kelso, I thought we were supposed to handle our woman troubles "like a man"?
Kelso: You shut up. Okay. You just shut up! And if anybody else here laughs at me, I swear I'm gonna kick so much ass! And that's my fudgsicle. [grabs fudgsicle and storms out]

Red: Let's see. It was, uh... It was a no-go with Midge. She doesn't wanna see you.
Bob: Boy, that's a shame, Red. Guess it's you and me, buddy.
Red: Well, that's a problem. I like you, Bob. You don't borrow my things, you keep your lawn mowed. But the fact of the matter is, you're a little bit... You're kind of a... You're an ass.
Bob: Yeah?
Red: Well, it's not your fault. Well we gotta stop pussyfooting' around here and somehow get you back in that house.
Bob: How?

Eric: Great shot. And I love you.
Donna: Well, the basket doesn't really count because I traveled.
Eric: You could never travel... Because I love you.
Donna: Eric, you're acting like a huge dork.
Eric: A huge dork who loves you.
Donna: God! God! Stop it! Our... Look, the only reason I said it is because I felt it and not just so you'd say it back. And if I knew you were gonna get in such a twist about it, I wouldn't have said it at all.
Eric: I'm not in a twist. It's just... "Cake." Okay, that was pretty stupid.
Donna: Yes! Thank you. So, I mean, why'd you say it?
Eric: I don't know. I just... Now... Once it is out there, if we broke up, I mean... You know, what would I tell myself, then?
Donna: I guess you could tell yourself you still have cake. We both know how much it means to you.
Eric: That's nice. There's a sweet girl.
Donna: Okay, look, I have an idea. Why don't we just pretend it never happened?
Eric: I like that.

Fez: Oh, Hyde. What a fabulous look for you.
Donna: Seriously. You look like Marlon Brando or something.
Laurie: Oh, my God. Hyde, when did you get so hot?
Kelso: What?
Hyde: I've always been hot. Jacket just brings it out.
Kelso: No. No! Give it to me! Give me back my jacket! [Kelso and Hyde fight] What are you doing? Get off me, you load!

Red: You going to clean the bathtub?
Kitty: Yes, I am.
Red: No. It's just too horrible. I can't let you do that, Kitty.
Kitty: Thank you, honey.
Red: You're welcome, Kitty. Eric, got a little job for you!

Kelso: I can't believe you guys. Here I am as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that. Well, you can both just...
Hyde: Sit on it? Aaaaay!