Kitty: I suppose we could call social services.
Red: Yeah, see, now that's sensible.
Kitty: Yeah, they'll know what to do.
Red: Yes.
Kitty: I mean, after all, they take thousands of cases every year. So many, in fact, that they have to house them in gymnasiums. [sobs]
Red: Kitty!
Kitty: With no heat.
Red: [bleep] Damn it! I am tired of being [bleep] Santa Claus! Steven, you get your [bleep] together and you get your ass in the [bleep] damn car! We're going! [bleep] Now, [bleep], damn it! Move it!
Hyde: Okay. [runs out]
Kitty: You are just the sweetest man alive. [exits]
Red: [bleep]!

Bob: But, Midge why do you have to have your Woman Warrior meetings here every week?
Midge: Because none of the other feminists' husbands will let them.
Bob: Boy, those bastards.
Midge: I know. Bob, these meetings have really opened my eyes. For example, the English language is so oppressive to women. I mean, why is it "mailman" and not "mailwoman"?
Bob: Why do they even call the mail "mail"? Why not call it "femail"?
Midge: Yes! You see, Bob, now you're thinking.
Bob: No, I'm not. I'm just being funny, because it's stupid.
Midge: Okay, then that's why you're part of the problem. [exits]
Bob: My wife is a maniac. I'm sorry, a womaniac.

Eric: Dad, can I talk to you for a sec? Do you think that Hyde could stay for dinner?
Red: Eric, again? I can't afford to feed your friends. I can't even afford to feed you, but the law requires me to.
Eric: Look, his mom's out of town.
Red: All right. But you have to fill up on bread. And the two of you are splitting a pork chop.

Jackie: Go away, Michael.
Kelso: Jackie, please? I really need to talk to you. I want to apologize for screaming when I looked at you the other day. It's just- You looked really gross. But I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I realized something. I realized that just because you look bad now, that doesn't mean you're gonna look bad forever. I mean, I just saw your mom downstairs and even though she's pretty old, she's really hot. And that gives me hope for the future.
Jackie: Oh, Michael.
Kelso: Let me finish. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realized that this whole mess that's just a temporary thing. But physical beauty, that lasts forever.
Jackie: That is so true.

Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Kelso: You know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping. Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie: No way.
Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna: Well, sure, it's fun for you guys 'cause you get to look at us and that's a treat. But we just get to look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna: Well, I don't care, I'll do it.
Eric: Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty. [sings] Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty [others join in] Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty Dirty, dirty, dirty

Jackie: This was such a good idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part where our clothes got stolen, you idiot.
Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget. Pork chops aren't cheap.
Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy.
Red: Kitty. The plant's gonna be closing soon. I mean, we have to watch our money.
Kitty: Well, maybe I could put you on the sugar diet. That'd save money.
Red: Sugar diet?
Kitty: [kisses Red] Sweet, huh?
Red: See, that's perfect. Give me another spoonful. [kisses Kitty] Tasty and cheap. Now, when I say cheap... [chuckles] [clears throat] I mean, you know, not-
Kitty: Shut up.

Hyde: Come on, man, this place is great. It's better than Forman's basement. That's a color TV, and I just got new vice grips so now we can watch any channel we want.
Eric: Hyde, your mom really just ran off with some trucker?
Hyde: No, Forman, I made it up because it sounds so classy.
Eric: Why would she just run off with some trucker?
Hyde: It's springtime. Love is in the air, man.
Eric: Right, and she just left you here alone?
Hyde: Look, I realize this is hard for you to get your head around, Opie, but you're failing to see the upside here. We've got food, we've got beer, we have zero adult supervision. Welcome to Camp Naughty-Bad-Fun.

Red: Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass. Get a move on.
Fez: [sighs] Oh, Red. You need to relax. Anger is bad for the soul.
Red: It's Fez, right?
Fez: Yes.
Red: Get out!
Fez: Okey-dokey.

[circle:]
Eric: Hyde's mom is gone and he is going downhill. I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark, eating ketchup off crackers.
Kelso: I ate gum off a parking meter once. But it was on a dare. I made $1. Man, there's some suckers out there.
Fez: Crackers and ketchup are "K" words. Which makes them naturally funny.
Donna: Oh, my God. I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body. I'm gonna count them. One, two, three...
Eric: [looking through ViewMaster] You guys disgust me. Doesn't anyone care about Hyde? Oh, my God, run, Scooby. Now. Run.
Kelso: You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup. And it was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life. Including the class trip to the sausage factory.
Fez: Ay. If I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon. Jerky?
Donna: Eighteen, nineteen... I have the biggest hands in the world! Damn it! One, two...
Eric: So his mom's gone and I know he doesn't want any help but the Donner Party didn't get any help, and then they ate each other so... Hey, don't bogart that jerky.
Kelso: Yeah, no parents would be cool. [chuckles] Like the Lord of the Flies.
Eric: Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?
Kelso: No. So?
Eric: Nothing. Look, what are we going to do about Hyde? I think we should tell someone.
Kelso: What am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her.
Fez: She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like.
Donna: Hey, Kelso, Jackie's- Jackie's my friend and you're shallow and pathetic. And you know what else? My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves. I am the greatest!
Eric: Okay, champ, whatever you say- [Donna punches Eric in the face]