Kitty: I can't believe that my own children would do this.
Eric: Mom, I mean, it's such a nice day. And we wanted to get some of that fresh air you're always telling us about.
Red: Hey. Nobody likes a smart-mouth sinner.
Kitty: You know, this wouldn't have happened if someone had made sure his children had gotten to church.
Red: Well, l... Damn! All right, from now on, you kids are going to church. That's an order.
Eric: Oh, Dad...
Kitty: Okay, okay, you know what. We shouldn't have to force them. They're almost grown up. They can make up their own minds.
Eric: Really?
Kitty: Sure. If you want to turn your backs on God and spend eternity doing laps in a lake of fire, well, that's your choice!

Kelso: So guys, huh? Well, what do you think of the beard? Yes, it's not bad after one week, huh?
Jackie: I think it's stupid. You look like a hobo.
Kelso: Well, you're crazy.
Jackie: Well, you look like a hobo.
Kelso: Crazy!
Jackie: Hobo!
Kelso: Yeah, well, I like it. I think it looks rugged. Look how thick it's coming in.
Fez: [enters] Hello.
Donna: Wow, Fez, that's a nice beard.
Fez: It will be, once it really comes in.
Jackie: Doesn't Michael look stupid? I mean, it's not even growing in right. It's all patchy.
Fez: [laughs] Poor Patchy.

Jackie: Doesn't Michael look hot with that beard? I mean, it's all rough and forbidden.
Donna: I thought you said Kelso looked stupid.
Jackie: Well, I can't tell him I like it. I hate his guts! But I hate him even more now that he's so hot. That hot bearded jerk.
Fez: What about my beard?
Jackie: It has egg in it.

Kitty: Laurie, what are you doing? Church starts in 10 minutes.
Laurie: Mom, I'm not going!
Kitty: What?
Laurie: Well, Eric's not going either.
Kitty: Oh, of course he is.
Eric: Well, no, ah, I thought... Mom, I thought you said we had the choice.
Kitty: Uh-huh.
Eric: And I chose no. But, uh, yes was a close second.

Kitty: Okay, you know what? I am leaving in five minutes. And I'm sure you will make the right decision. [to Eric] No. You'll make the right decision. And you drag her with you. Something tells me I will not be sitting in that pew alone. [laughs]

Kitty: Well, that's all well and good, Red, but since they won't go to church, I'm bringing the church to them. I've asked Dave, the church's youth minister, to come here for dinner, and he said, "Groovy."
Red: Sounds like a great idea.
Kitty: You really think so?
Red: I don't have to be there, right?
Kitty: No.
Red: Sounds like a great idea.

Pastor Dave: Okay, does anyone have a question about the Bible?
Laurie: I do. Do you have your own place?

Eric: Mom!
Kitty: Eric, Laurie, get ready for church.
Laurie: Wait a second. I thought you said it was our choice.
Kitty: Well, when you choose to go, it'll be your choice. Coming on to the youth minister? You need church.
Eric: Mom, why are you doing this?
Kitty: I don't have to have a reason. It's right, I'm your mother, now move.
Eric: But it's not fair. I mean, why do we have to go to church? I mean... Dad doesn't go.
Kitty: Aha! Aha, aha, aha, aha! [laughs] Come on, everybody, the Formans are going to church!
Red: You had to throw me under the bus with you, didn't you? Well, nice going, Eric.
Laurie: Yeah. Nice going. Now I have to put on a bra.
Eric: God hates me.