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That '70s Show: Eric's Corvette Caper

422. Eric's Corvette Caper

Aired April 9, 2002

When Red and Kitty go away for the night, Eric takes father's Corvette out for a ride to impress a cheerleader.

Quote from Red

Red: Oh, Kitty, don't tell Eric that we're coming home. If he's doing something wrong, and we both know he is, it's important that I catch him.
Kitty: Why?
Red: Because it gives me pleasure.

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Quote from Fez

Fez: I'm Red, dumbass. Where are my muffins, dumbass?
Hyde: [answers phone] Forman residence. Dr. Hook speaking.
Fez: Who is it, dumbass?
Kitty: Steven, honey, it's Mrs. Forman.
Hyde: Oh, hey, Mrs. Forman.
Fez: [gasps] Mrs. Forman? [takes off hat, hides beers]

Quote from Red

Red: Here's the keys to the Corvette. But the only reason I'm giving them to you is so you can move it in case there's a fire.
Eric: And because you trust me.
Red: [chuckles] Right! Now, you know that I'll know if the Corvette's been moved. I've noted its exact position in the garage, the angle of the wheels, and I just might have set a few booby traps.
Eric: I am so lucky to have a daddy who cares enough to set booby traps. Fine. Okay, I get it. The only way I get to drive the Corvette is if there's a fire.
Red: But to the end of the driveway. No further. A fire is no excuse for a joyride.

Quote from Kelso

Jackie: Michael, what are you doing in Casey's room?
Kelso: Spitting in his socks. What are you doing?
Donna: We came by to say hi to Casey. Watching you spit is just a super bonus.
Kelso: Yeah? Well, your lover's out of town. And I asked your lover where he was going and your lover said, "Neptune," and that he'd be back tomorrow. And then your lover punched me in the head and laughed. But we'll see who's laughing when he puts on his socks and gets his feet all spitty. Ha!

Quote from Jackie

Donna: Casey's out of town? He never tells me anything. It's like the only thing I know about him is that he's Kelso's brother.
Jackie: Well, you know he subscribes to Van Aficionado.
Donna: Stop snooping, Jackie.
Jackie: But, Donna, you know, say this pile of stuff was to get accidentally knocked over. [gasps] Oh, no! And while picking it up, you just happen to look through it.
Donna: Jackie, I'm not gonna snoop.
Jackie: Oh, look. He took a quiz. "Your Ideal Chick: Van Fan or Biker Liker?" But you know what? You wouldn't care what kind of girl he likes. I mean, you're only dating him.
Donna: [knocks over stuff] Oh, no!

Quote from Red

Kitty: Okay, now, if the Miller twins are fat, be nice. But if they're still thin, I don't want to hear any "hubba-hubbas" or remarks about doubling your pleasure. Remember, it's my reunion. I am the prettiest one here.
[When Kitty walks into the conference hall, it's hosting the "Mid-Western Area Rodeo Clowns"]
Red: Well, you are the prettiest one here.
Kitty: I don't understand. The invitation says the 29th.
Red: Kitty, that says the 23rd. I have been telling you for months that you need glasses. You know, one of these days, you're gonna wander off and fall into a hole.
Kitty: What hole? Where are these holes?
Red: They're everywhere. You just can't see 'em, 'cause you need glasses.

Quote from Jackie

Donna: Well, we spent three hours in Casey's room and all we found out is that he collects mud flaps.
Jackie: Yeah, but all that snooping gave me such a rush. Hey, let's go to the mall and shoplift some lip gloss.
Donna: No thanks, little felon. I feel guilty enough. Besides, I have to finish my chemistry homework. [gasps] Oh, no! I left my chemistry book on Casey's desk, and he comes back tomorrow.
Jackie: So we'll just go back and get it.
Donna: Jackie, I already went over there all, "Where's Casey?" Now if I go back all, "Where's my book"...
Jackie: But you are all, "Where's my book?
Donna: But Kelso won't believe that, and then he'll think I'm a goob and then he'll tell Casey that I'm a goob!
Jackie: Okay. Okay, look. We'll wait till later tonight, then sneak back in and get it. Besides, Casey's got this really great clock radio I really want.

Quote from Kelso

[After Donna and Jackie climb into Casey Kelso's bedroom, Donna grabs her book and Jackie steals his clock radio]
Donna: Okay, let's go.
Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna? Am I dreaming?
Donna: Uh, yes. Yes, you are.
Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie: Yes. Yes, Michael, we are.
Kelso: Cool. Donna first. [lays back down]

Quote from Hyde

Fez: So you smooched the Cannon. How was her tongue? Was it nimble?
Eric: Like a belly dancer. And at one point I was touching a spot not four inches from boob.
Hyde: Not bad, Forman. Not only did you get within shouting distance of second base, you successfully snaked Red's Corvette.
Eric: Yeah, well, I gotta wash it, wax it and put on a hubcap, but that should only take about an hour. I'm gonna do it in the morning.
Hyde: Perfect. Sleep tight.
Eric: All right.
Hyde: Oh, by the way, um, your parents called a couple hours ago. They'll be home in 40 minutes.
Eric: What?!
Hyde: Relax, man. We're just messing with you. They'll be home in 20 minutes.

Quote from Fez

Eric: Okay, tire location, check. Seat placement, check. Picture of Fez's butt, check.
Fez: That one's going on my desk.

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