Fez: So, my host parents set me up on a blind date, and she has a friend for you, Hyde.
Hyde: Finally. Somebody to love.
Fez: And it gets better. They're not even blind. [laughs] Get it? Blind. Screw you. That's funny.

Donna: Well, before you go, there's my report card.
Bob: An "F"? Donna, we're very disappointed, and we're gonna have a long talk about this.
Midge: Yes, we are. Right after happy hour.
Bob: Provided we don't meet anyone.
Donna: All right. I've learned my lesson, and I'll be sure to try harder.
Bob: There's our girl.
Midge: Ooh, wish us luck.

Laurie: Welcome home, smoker.
Eric: Oh, no.
Laurie: The school just called. You're lucky I answered the phone and not Dad.
Eric: You didn't tell?
Laurie: Eric, of course I didn't tell.
Red: [enters] Well... If it isn't Mr. Smoker.
Laurie: Oh, wait. Yes, I did.

Jackie: This, this is Chamomile the camel. He can sit in the backseat, but llama Cass here, she has to sit up in the front with us.
Kelso: Well, Jackie, uh, it's just... I thought all you wanted was to put in one little animal.
Jackie: Well, I know, Michael, but this way there'll be even more things to remind you of me. Don't you like thinking about me?
Kelso: No, of course I do. Uh, the thing is... How can I say this without hurting your feelings? Oh. Okay. I don't want your stupid things in my cool van.
Jackie: Oh! [gets out of the van]
Kelso: What? No! I didn't say you were stupid. Just everything you like!

Red: Congratulations, Eric. You got suspended. Are you getting dumber?
Eric: Gee, I don't think so. Look, Dad, I don't smoke.
Laurie: Daddy, if Eric's a smoker, and he lies about smoking, doesn't that make him a smoking liar?
Kitty: Okay, you know what? That's enough. Eric, have some more pot roast. Here. Here's some mashed potatoes, and here's a photo of a cancerous lung.
Eric: Whoa! Mom, gross! Look, I don't smoke!
Kitty: Okay, well, either way, that is what's gonna happen to your lungs if you keep on smoking.
Red: Well, the way he's screwing up his life, death will be a sweet release.
Eric: So I got that to look forward to.

Red: You got suspended, pal. How do you think your college interviews are gonna go?
[fantasy: Eric sits in a room with a college recruiter:]
Red: [v.o] Well, looks like we have a model student here. Excellent grades, secretary-treasurer of the AV Club. Uh-oh, what's this? You were suspended?
Kitty: [v.o.] Yes, sir, for smoking. [coughs]
Red: [v.o] Well, we can't have a loser like you at our school. I'm sorry to say, you're not Princeton material, dumb-ass.
Kitty: [v.o.] Oh, if only... [coughs]... I'd listened... [coughs]... to my mother. [coughs up something] Sorry.

Eric: What a lesson I have learned. Can I go?
Red: Sure. Right after you smoke this entire pack of cigarettes.
Laurie: Yay, Daddy! Ooh, tear off the filters.
Eric: Dad, you can't be serious.
Red: Have I ever not been serious?
Eric: Dad, I'm telling you the truth. Okay, you have to take my word for it. I don't smoke.
Red: Your word, huh?
Eric: It's all a man has.
Kitty: Well, now that's nice.
Red: What a load of crap. Light up!

Eric: So, what you wanna do? You wanna watch some TV, eat some ice cream or, I don't know, apologize to me?
Donna: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, you should be. Okay. I'm sorry. I was expecting more of a fight.
Donna: Did you get in a lot of trouble for the cigarette?
Eric: Uh, surprisingly, yes. Turns out, Red has a temper, so...
Donna: Really?
Eric: Yeah. And, uh, your dad doesn't like me anymore.
Donna: That's okay, 'cause I do.

Bob: What's he doing here?
Donna: Who?
Eric: Maybe you should get off me so I could, like, run away.
Bob: You better get out of here.
Donna: Okay, fine. I'll get out of here.
Eric: Actually, I think he was talking to me.
Donna: Come on.
Eric: Okay. Uh, boy, this is awkward with Donna and the yelling and the... [Bob glares at Eric]

Patty: Yeah, I mean, these teachers think they deserve our respect, but they don't. I mean, who are they to teach us about history and math?
Fez: I, too, am filled with rebellious sexual tension.
Patty: Yeah. I mean, it's like Malcolm X said, "By any means necessary," right?
Hyde: You like Malcolm X?
Fez: Hey, who doesn't like Malcolm X, huh? [chuckles]
Patty: You've heard of Malcolm X in Panama?
Fez: Oh, no. I'm not from Panama. I'm from...
Hyde: Hey, Fez, come here. American custom be damned. I want you to have the blonde.
Fez: Oh, my God. Blondes are notorious whores. Thank you, Hyde.