‘Donna's Story’
Season 4, Episode 8 - Aired November 20, 2001
Eric is angry when Donna writes a story for the school paper that borrows from their lives. Meanwhile, Bob introduces Red and Kitty to his new girlfriend, Joanne (Mo Gaffney).
Quote from Eric
Eric: Ah. Well, if it isn't the wielder of the poison pen.
Donna: Didn't you like my story?
Eric: No. No, I didn't. That's why I said "poison pen" not... "marshmallow pen."
Quote from Donna
Eric: This story is about us.
Donna: No, it's not.
Eric: You took stuff from our life and put 'em in your story. Like the time you found those Playboys under my bed.
[fantasy:]
Eric: [cat screeches] Begone, Sir Bonkers. [chuckles]
Donna: Derek, look what I found under your bed. Lewd renderings of naked serving wenches. Did you commission these?
Eric: So what if I did? I have needs, woman. Now, ready thyself. On this night we fornicate.
[reality:]
Donna: Okay, well, maybe there are some similarities. But that's what writers do. I mean, we take stuff from our lives.
Eric: Yeah, but you made me mean all the time, and that's mean.
Donna: Okay, maybe I exaggerated some stuff, 'cause, you know, I'm writing this for stupid high school girls.
Jackie: [enters] Oh, my God! Great story!
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress you spent my $50 on this stupid machine.
Hyde: Jackie, I did not. Oh, yeah, I did. [laughs]
Kelso: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life.
Jackie: Okay, there's another old saying, Michael. You're dumb as dirt.
Eric: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Quote from Red
Bob: Boy, this chicken's delish. What a chef.
Kitty: [laughs] You really know your way around a grill, Joanne.
Red: Mine's dry.
Kitty: No, it isn't. It's tender and delicious. Maybe if I chewed it with some water.
Joanne: Well, there's the hose. [Bob and Joanne go inside]
Red: I don't like her anymore.
Kitty: Well, I do.
Red: Kitty, I'm chopping vegetables, Bob's telling me to shut it, you're over there grilling with Susan B. damn Anthony.
Kitty: Well, fine, Red. If it bothers you we can invite them over, and you can do the grilling. But for now, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just shut it.
Red: If one more person tells me to shut it-
Kitty: What? You might actually shut it?
Quote from Fez
Kelso: All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First National Bank of Pinball. [unlocks safe] Oh, man. No one's playing.
Fez: Well, I would've played, but my frogs and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.
Quote from Kelso
Kelso: All right. I know what the problem is here. This thing has been here for so long that people have forgotten about it. I just need to advertise. So, Jackie, put on a bikini and stand in front of the machine.
Jackie: Michael, I am not wearing a bikini in here. It would cause a riot.
Kelso: Okay, what if I just put up flyers with a picture of you in a bikini?
Jackie: Yeah, okay. I mean, it'll still draw a crowd, but at least they'll remain orderly.
Kelso: Okay, so I just need some Magic Markers and a picture of you in a bikini.
Fez: Oh. I have one. Keep it. I have plenty.
Quote from Hyde
Eric: So, guys, check out my story. I passed out a bunch of copies at lunch today.
Hyde: Oh, Forman, this kind of thing always blows up in your face. Don't ever stop doing it.
Quote from Eric
Donna: What the hell is this?
Eric: Oh, you- You didn't like my story?
Donna: Oh, yeah, I loved it. Especially this part.
[fantasy:]
Eric: Wanda, I have performed every task thou hath asketh of me. Please, can we finally consummate our love?I beseech you.
Donna: Well, I said I would. So I won't.
Eric: But I beseeched you.
Donna: Okay, let's consummate.
Eric: Really?
Donna: No.
Eric: Please. I beseech you.
Donna: Okay.
Eric: Really? No. Now rub my enormous feet.
Quote from Red
Joanne: I'd love to make a salad.
Red: Great.
Joanne: As soon as Red admits he's not asking me to make a salad, he's trying to put me in my place.
Red: You are woman. I hear you roar.
Joanne: I can't believe you're so threatened by something as trivial as me grilling chicken.
Red: It's not trivial. Men grill. It's been that way since the first caveman bonked a woolly mammoth on the head and threw it on the barbecue. And his cave wife made the salad.
Bob: I smell something burning.
Red: Oh, darn!
[cut to Red serving a plate of completely charred steaks:]
Red: Well, if you didn't want it well done, you should've said something.
Quote from Fez
Kelso: What the hell! Where's my pinball machine?
Fez: Oh, where, indeed? [chuckles] Oh, I remember. I convinced the owner that pinball was out, and Space Invaders was in.
Kelso: Fez, why would you stab me in the back like that?
Fez: Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and chickens comment had nothing to do with it.
Kelso: Well, why then?