Kitty: Come on, Red. Bob really wants us to meet his new lady friend.
Red: Now, think about it, Kitty. She likes Bob. I have a hard time believing this woman even exists. We're gonna get over there, Bob's gonna be sitting in a rocker with a lady's wig on. "You look lovely tonight, Bob." "So do you, Bob."
Kitty: You've been working on that all day, haven't you?
Red: Yeah.

Kelso: Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Kelso: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response because I can't think of one. But when I do, a good day to you.
Kelso: All right, Fez.
Fez: I said kiss my ass.

Fez: Um, guys, I don't understand. What does "consummate" mean?
Hyde: It means to have sex.
Fez: Really? Now I have two words for that.
Donna: Eric, you just wrote this to hurt me.
Eric: What? I did not! And, hey, so did you.
Donna: Look, when I wrote my story, I just sat down, and that's what came out. I didn't, like, plan it or anything. And besides- No, you know what? I don't have to explain myself to you. [exits]
Fez: Okay, I'd like someone to explain it to me.
Hyde: Uh, well, that's easy, Fez. See, Donna, as an artist wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.
Fez: Oh, Eric, I think you just consummated yourself. [laughs] See what I did there? Looks easy, but it's not.

Eric: Okay, okay. This school obviously needs to hear the Eric Forman version of things, a.k.a. the truth. So I'm gonna write my own story. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I'm throwing down the gauntlet, baby.
Donna: Really? Okay, smarty, what's a gauntlet?
Eric: A gauntlet? What's a gauntlet? [snickers] What's a gauntlet? I don't know, but it's down, lady.

Hyde: Well, if it isn't Playboy reading, panty-loving, cat-killing Derek.
Eric: I know. How could Donna write this?
Fez: Why are you upset? It's this Derek guy who really gets the shaft.
Eric: Fez, I am Derek.
Fez: Everything always has to be about you.
Hyde: Fez, man, think about it. Eric killed Donna's cat. Derek killed Wanda's cat. Donna found panties in Eric's Vista Cruiser. Wanda found a chastity belt in Derek's Vista Carriage.

[title: "Ye Olde '70s Show"]
[title: "Bleak English moor: A long time ago..."; fantasy:]
Eric: Oh, Wanda.
Donna: Oh, Derek.
Eric: Oh, Wanda.
Donna: Yes, Derek?
Eric: You're not just my next-door neighbor. You're also the love of my life.
Donna: Derek, I, too, have strong feelings of love for you, but I have to give back this promise ball and chain. I must leave Point Upon the Place and explore the world with my trusty cat named Sir Bonkers.
Eric: No. I'll never let you go. [thunderclap]
Donna: You can't make me stay.
Eric: Oh, no? What if I told you that I've run over the cat named Sir Bonkers and the cat named Sir Bonkers is no more? Now submit and be my wife! [thunderclap]
Donna: Derek, once you were a kind, peaceful man, but love has made you wicked.
Eric: Oh, I am wicked. And until you agree to be my wife, I will scour the earth in search of cats named "Sir Bonkers" and I will kill them all! Or at very least, spray them with water which everyone knows they hate. [thunderclap] [maniacal laugh]
[reality:]
Eric: I can't believe Donna would publish this in the school paper.
Fez: I know. This could be in Reader's Digest. It's that good.
Eric: Oh, this is the worst short story by an ex-girlfriend in a school newspaper ever.

Kelso: Hey, you guys, you know what goes really good with a bad short story? Pinball!
Eric: No. I hate pinball.
Kelso: Hate it or love it?
Eric: Hate it.
Kelso: Or love it? Come on, guys. I'm gonna buy a $50 stake in this machine, so let's play so I can make some money.
Hyde: Where'd you get $50?
Kelso: From Jackie. Hey. Oh, hey, Jackie. Can I borrow $50?
Jackie: For what?
Kelso: To buy a dress for you.

Fez: Wait a minute. Eric, Derek. Panties, chastity belt. Dead cat, dead cat. Oh-ho-ho! I still got nothing.

Bob: Red, Kitty, I'd like you to meet a very special lady, Joanne.
Kitty: Well, Joanne, it is so nice to meet you. Right, Red?
Red: We can't stay long.
Joanne: Ah, Red. Bob warned me you can be a pain in the ass. [Kitty laughs] [Bob chuckles] Well, I'll tell you what. We'll just have dinner and if it turns out you don't like me, we'll never invite you over again.
Red: Really? I like you already. Well, let's get this barbecue started. Bob, grab that meat.
Joanne: Oh, I got it, Red. Why don't you fellas make a salad?
Red: [laughs] Salad. Oh, you're serious. No, see, Bob and I do the grilling.
Joanne: Not this time. Kitty, you wanna give me a hand?
Kitty: Well, I'd love to.
Red: Oh, I don't think- But, Kitty, you might... set your lovely hair on fire.
Kitty: Well, it can't be that hard. You do it.

Red: Bob, what the hell's going on here?
Bob: Look, Red, I really like this woman so please, for today, just shut it.
Red: Shut it? Good God, Bob! Is she teaching you to stand up for yourself?
Bob: Yes.
Red: Well, cut it out!
Bob: I want to have a nice time. Come on. I'll give you first dibs on the aprons. You want the fake tuxedo or the fake hairy chest?
Red: Oh, damn it. Give me the tuxedo.
Bob: Whoo-hoo! Hairy chest is Joanne's favorite. [chuckles]
Red: [to himself] It's probably 'cause she's got one.