323. Canadian Road Trip
Aired May 8, 2001
Eric and the guys take a trip across the border to buy beer. Meanwhile, Jackie is "discovered" at the mall, and Red wins a VCR at work.
Quote from Kelso
Eric: Kelso, you're not going.
Kelso: What? Why not?
Hyde: Because this is a risky mission. You tend to screw these things up.
Kelso: Yo, that is a damnable lie!
Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door and you lit it in the car on the way over?
Kelso: Yeah. I wanted to see it all flame-y.
Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it.
Kelso: Eric, it was on fire!
Quote from Leo
Leo: Hey, dudes.
Hyde: Leo, man, what are you doin' here?
Leo: Sitting. What are you doin' here?
Hyde: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Leo: Canada? Cool. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.
Eric: Oh, conscientious objector, huh?
Leo: No. I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man. But I don't want nothing to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.
Quote from Fez
Fez: Oh, no. I think I lost my green card.
Eric: Damn, Fez. Where's the last place you had it?
Fez: If I knew that, I would have it now, you son of a bitch.
Kelso: All right, Fez. Take it easy.
Fez: No. You take it easy. They're gonna throw me in Canadian jail. Have you seen Midnight Express? Well, it's like that, but with hockey sticks.
Quote from Red
Kitty: Oh. "A videocassette recorder." What's videocassette, and why do we need to record it?
Red: It records TV. You know how we don't get to see Johnny Carson?
Kitty: Well, he's on so gosh-darn late. Who can stay up past 10:30?
Red: No one, but now we can record Johnny while we sleep and then watch it the next day.
Red: And you know how you wanted to watch the rerun of Roots?
Red: Well, we can tape it, and then you can watch it over and over.
Kitty: Well, I think just watching it tonight should do the trick.
Red: Well, we will watch it tonight, after we tape it.
Kitty: But we don't stay up to watch Carson. Why would we stay up to watch this?
Red: Because it's conven- Oh, you just don't understand technology. [storms out]
Kitty: No. But I sure know how to tell time.
Quote from Leo
Leo: Oh, sure. Drinking looks like fun. And all the cool kids do it. But it leads you down a sad, lonely, confused path, man. You know why they call it beer?
Eric: No. Why?
Leo: I'm just curious, man.
Quote from Kitty
Kitty: Red, it's starting. It's starting.
Red: And press "record" and done! [sighs] We are now recording. Two hours from now, we'll be watching Roots.
Kitty: Well, I just- I just don't see why we can't watch it now like normal people.
Red: Kitty, we have a Betamax. We're better than normal people. So, what do you wanna do for the next two hours?
Kitty: Watch Roots.
[Red's chuckle turns to a groan as Kitty picks up the remote control]
Kitty: Fine. I'm gonna go make some instant pudding and you can't eat it for two hours.
Quote from Red
Red: And... time! [sighs] Let's watch Roots.
Kitty: Oh, Red, I'm sleepy. Can we watch it in the morning?
Red: In the morning? But I just taped it.
Kitty: Well, I know, but I thought the whole point was we can watch it whenever we want.
Red: But I just taped it.
Kitty: Fine. Let's watch it now.
Red: Great. Now, I just punch "play," and, voilà, Roots. [no audio]
Kitty: Where's Roots, Red?
Red: Oh, that's right. I forgot to rewind the tape. The tape.
Kitty: This tape? How do they get the movie onto the tape when it's way the heck over here, Red?
Red: It's- It's complicated.
Kitty: Good night, Red. [exits]
Red: Damn! I should've got the microwave.
Quote from Eric
Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.
Fez: Now, is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger, and as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Eric: Okay. Shh. Fez, if my dad finds out that we're going to Canada, uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So keep it down.
Kelso: All right! Canada! Woo-hoo! Beer! [air horn blows]
Quote from Kelso
Eric: Okay. Let's get going.
Leo: Oh, don't tell me Crap Shoes is coming.
Kelso: The bag was on fire!
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Donna, Glamourella Modeling Agency got the pictures I sent in. They want me to audition. My dream is finally coming true.
Donna: I thought your dream was to be the world's first flying lady scientist.
Jackie: No. No, Donna. That was a dream I had, not my dream.
Donna: You're a weird little girl.
Jackie: Yeah. If I become a model, I wouldn't have to work or study or think ever again.
Donna: That's great. I mean, what's thought done for anyone anyway?
Jackie: Nothing. But modeling has made people rich and famous.