Donna: So, you want us to go to counseling?
Eric: Mom, where do you even come up with this stuff?
Kitty: It wasn't my idea. Steven was thoughtful enough to suggest it.
Hyde: You're welcome.

Eric: Okay, you guys, this church counseling idea is really crappy.
Hyde: Would you listen to the language on this kid? What he needs is church, and lots of it.

Donna: Well, come on, Eric. We'll learn stuff about each other. For instance, what if one day I get a high-paying job in California? Will you move?
Eric: Whoa. Why can't I get the high-paying job?
Donna: Okay, what if you get a high-paying job? Will I move?
Eric: No, who am I kidding? I'm not getting a high-paying job.

Kelso: [enters] All right, civilians. Hide your stashes. Officer-in-training Kelso's back from the Academy.
Hyde: I've got to be honest, man. Every day you come home with all your fingers, I die a little inside.
Jackie: Michael, you got another D on a test? Is this your fourth D in a row?
Kelso: Yeah. It's just on the penal code stuff. "Criminals have a right to an attorney." "Criminals are innocent until proven guilty." Just crazy liberal gibberish.

Fez: [giggles]
Hyde: What are you laughing at?
Fez: He said "penal code."
Jackie: Fez, it doesn't mean that. It's from the word "penalty." Penal.
Fez: [giggles]
Hyde: You're like a four-year-old. It's a legal term. "Penal." [Fez giggles] It's kind of funny.

Pastor Dan: I'm sorry, Donna. Okay, look, instead of talking about what worries you about marriage, let's talk about what excites you about marriage.
Donna: Oh. Okay, well... Hmm. That's weird. I can't really think of anything.
Eric: You can't think of anything?
Donna: Well, hang on. Give me a second. Nope. Nothing.
Pastor Dan: Well, one thing young newlyweds usually get excited about, and that's having sexual relations for the first time. I'm sure you're both looking forward to that.
Donna: Oh... Yeah, that's...
Pastor Dan: Unless, of course, you've already had sex. Premarital sex.
Eric: [chuckles] What?
Donna: Huh? Pre-what-ital-who?
Eric: I mean, come on, look at me. Do I look like some guy who's had sex? I mean... Ugh! Right?

Red: [to Kitty] $5? For Pete's sakes, God doesn't drive a Cadillac.

Kitty: Oh, look, it's Eric and Donna. Did everyone know they're virgins? I think I want to be a virgin, too. Hey, everyone, I'm a virgin! [laughs] Well, I said it, so it must be true.

Eric: Okay, I know this seems really bad, but I got a really simple way to fix this. Just start going to a different church. Hey, how about that one where they sing more and let you marry, like, six people?

Brooke: So I can't believe the Police Academy caught fire. What happened?
Kelso: Huge mystery. Like, what part of the cow is the hot dog?
Hyde: Maybe Kelso's just too traumatized to remember. I think he needs help filling in the blanks, like... "The fire was started with a 'blank' gun "by a 'blanking' idiot named 'blank'-O."
Kelso: Hey, Brooke, could you wait outside for a minute? Mrs. Forman has this rule that there's only... One, two, three, four... Five people in the kitchen at one time.
Brooke: Well, there are five people here.
Kelso: That's why you need to leave.
Brooke: But you said no more than five.
Kelso: Right.
Brooke: But I'm number five.
Kelso: Exactly.
Brooke: So I'll just wait outside, then?
Kelso: Attagirl.